Types of Bosses

So, in my four years and some odd months in Corporate America, I’ve had seven bosses.  I just mentally recounted in my head, and yup, that’s right – seven.  Seems like too many for that amount of time, huh?  Out of those managers, I’ve had a couple that I’ve liked and that *gasp* actually encouraged my career, a few that were tolerable, and one belittling jerk.  Being in the corporate environment and having had the chance to study these boss creatures from inside their own little world, I’ve broken down boss taxonomy into a number of categories:

• The Overly Career-Oriented Boss with No Life:  This type of boss has made what should be a career into a life, and has blurred the lines between work and home so much that the two have become one.  This person lives for work – they’re up and at ’em early in the morning, and write emails late into the night.  This is the type of person who will consistently send you a memo at 11:00 p.m., making you wonder when you come in the following morning, “Did this person actually expect me to read this last night?”  Probably not – it’s just that this person has work-induced insomnia, meaning, that he or she wakes up in the middle of the night with job-related ideas and absolutely must let you know about them.  This might bring you to think, “Does my boss have a life?”  Well, the answer to that question is most likely, and quite frankly, “No.”  In my experience, these types of people are typically middle-aged individuals who are single or divorced, and either have adult children that have long since moved out, or never had kids in the first place.  This type of boss also tends to have multiple fluffy dogs or cats, and will have many pictures of the pets around the office, possibly dressed up in holiday attire.  This manager is most likely a well-meaning person who cares about employees, but who can be a bit much with the constant 4 a.m. emails.  The encouraging, good bosses that I’ve had in my tenure at Big Corporate Company have been of this variety.
• The Power-Hungry:  This manager breed is a more evolved version of the overly career-oriented one (or maybe I mean a more devolved version?).  They often have most or all of the characteristics of the Overly Career-Oriented type, but with an added level of greed and a little less of a conscience.  This person doesn’t just live for work, but lives to be the absolute best at work (note that this is probably futile, since you’re most likely not going to be the richest or the most powerful person in the company, and all of this devotion to material goods is just going to leave you without a family or social life), which isn’t a bad trait to have, but can be bad when it totally consumes you.  The Power-Hungry Boss will also send you emails at all hours of the day, and will sometimes come across as insulting.  Your boss will rarely say “thank you,” will always insist that he or she is correct, will project his or her stress onto you, and will like to point out the tiny little errors (or errors that he or she invented) in your work. An interesting fact about these people is that, ironically, they are usually not even good at what they do.   Their emails will have countless typos; a middle-schooler could see that they have no grasp of the English language.  This is especially ironic when they work in communications.  However, annoying though these people are, they’re not out to get you so much as they’re just being self-centered and thinking of all the glory to be had.
• The Outright Jerk:  Only one boss that I’ve had fits into this category.  She’s middle-aged, has never been married (surprise – maybe it’s because she’s mean and makes Medusa seem comely), has no kids, doesn’t even have a little barky dog, lives alone, and works so much that she’s lucky to get a shower or talk to someone other than the guy delivering her takeout Chinese food.  Knowing all this about her personal life, I honestly feel very sorry for her.  She’s let work possess her life so much that she is actually out to get you, and will let you know it.  I know this because I was the brunt of her aggression.  She’d leap over the line from assertive to aggressive, never let me know I’m doing a good job, didn’t offer any sort of constructive feedback, and never encouraged career growth whatsoever.  She told me that my work was, “not at all what she expected,” but never told me what she expected in the first place.  She very tactlessly let me know that I either had to leave her team, or she was going to give me a bad performance review because I, “have shown no improvement.”  Funny, ‘cuz up until that point, she hadn’t indicated that I needed to improve on anything, and gave me no specifics.  She likes to cause anxiety, feeds on putting others down, and would probably answer to the name “She-Devil.”  If you encounter this type of boss (which I hope you do not), my advice is to try to get out as quickly and as unscathed as possible.

I have to be honest – I’ve yet to have a boss that has the whole career-life thing in balance.  In every case, I’ve seen the scales shifted very much toward work.  Come on, I mean, the marketing communications department will not cease to exist if you don’t check your email in the wee hours of the morning.  The company will keep making money if you finish up your work at 5 p.m. and put in a reasonable amount of overtime.  It’s good to be devoted to your job, but it’s better to be even more devoted to your family, and to your self.  ‘Nuff said.

Corporate Phrase of the Week:

Preempt value:  One of the “corrections” to my writing that I received from a Power-Hungry Boss.  I seriously don’t know what that would even mean.  Is it like how football games preempt regularly scheduled programming?  Why would you want to preempt value – wouldn’t you want value now?

Example:  Big Faceless Company will announce new solutions that will preempt value for clients.

What’s my job, again?

Okay, so I haven’t blogged in a while.  But have no fear – Corporate America is still quite annoying, and I’m back with plenty of fodder for more blog posts.

So since my last blog post, I’ve been moved around the company (yet again) and have had two – count ’em – TWO new positions.  This means that, in my four-year stint with Big Business, I’ve had a total of five positions with six different managers.  I suppose it keeps things interesting, but at the same time, I don’t gain enough experience in any specific field to get promoted – I just get moved laterally along the bottom.  Story of my career.  So first I was in marketing communications, then I was in customer references, then communications again, then references again, then communications again.  All in four years.  Yeah, really gives you the opportunity to grow.  With any luck, I’ll get moved back to references again before the year is up.  This will likely happen right when I’m getting comfortable in my current job role and forming relationships with my new team members.  I can only hope…

So anyway, in my latest position, I honestly don’t even know what my official job title is, or what I’m responsible for.  If I weren’t getting my bi-weekly paycheck, there would be no confirmation that I’m still employed with the company.  It’s ambiguous to me sometimes.  Maybe I’m kind of like Milton from Office Space, but without a stapler – the company had gotten rid of him ages ago, but a glitch in the payroll system meant he still got a paycheck.  Or, maybe I’ve found some kind of loophole where I get assigned such little work to do that I can live out the American Dream and get paid to do nothing!  Hmmm…

Corporate Word of the Week:

centricity (n) – This is a word that nobody ever uses except at work.  Apparently, you can nounize the word “centric.”  Like how I just verbified the word “noun.”  I guess it’s this like “electricity” or “publicity?”  Maybe, but it’s a tad too corporate for my tastes.

example – The new Big Initiative focuses on customer centricity as a key sales play.

When Work Attacks

It’s 3 o’clock on what seems to be an average work day.  You’ve checked off most of the items on your to-do list, and you’re just kind of hanging out, swiveling in your office chair, checking e-mail, drinking the remainder of your post-lunch coffee. 

All is calm, when suddenly, you swear you can hear the Psycho music faintly playing in your mind.  Or maybe it’s the Jaws theme.  It gets louder and louder, and more and more ominous, when suddenly your computer makes the cute little ding noise, indicating that you’ve just received an e-mail.  Somewhat scared, you anxiously click to open the message – in the 30 seconds it takes you to read the e-mail, your work day plummets from “pretty okay” to “flippin’ terrible.”  What just happened?  You were attacked by Work.

So here are a few stories that detail when I’ve been victimized by Work – take a read so you can be fully prepared the next time your Work bites you in the butt:

Nightmare in Approval Process Land Part I:

So about a month or two ago, I had the honor of doing internal launch communications for the New Big Product Announcement.  Now, despite the fact that I’m a newsletter editor (editor = one that proofreads and edits), everything I dare send out has to be reviewed by about 10 people.  Seriously.  As you can imagine, the more people you involve with something, the more annoying things get.  People make comments for the sake of making comments, others nitpick over the slightest things, and other people don’t even read it, and just say “it looks good, send it.”

So, after sending the Big Launch Communication to like, a dozen people to review and edit, I finally received the okay from Major Executive Dude to send this thing out.  So, I send it out.  About an hour later, I receive this chain of e-mails in my inbox marked as urgent.  What could possibly have gone wrong?  Well, despite the fact that a million people supposedly reviewed this thing, someone who received the e-mail noticed that the wrong preposition was used in the product naming (for real), sent it his boss, who sent to her boss, who sent to someone else, who sent to my boss, who got PO’ed at me.  Why do we have review processes if no one actually reviews the important stuff, but just picks insignificant things to complain about?  Good question – I’m still trying to find the answer.

Misadventures in Branding Guidelines:

So every other week, I send out a newsletter from Important Sales Leader.  I write stuff under her name, and she makes comments / signs off on it.  Okay, sounds fine.  So what happened was, when she made her comments to my work, she wanted to be specific, and added in a bunch of product names that the Sales Peeps could read about.

So I send the thing out, and get an e-mail from a former Director Guy of mine.  He says, “These aren’t the correct product names, we need to use the right names.”

So work was again biting me, but I seriously LOL’ed at this response – since the sales leader had added that info, that meant she didn’t even know the correct names of her own products…the sales leader!  Oh man, wow.  Just wow.

Nightmare in Approval Process Land II:

Yeah, so this happened to me again…in the same week as Part I.  Obviously I was having a wonderful week, ha.  This time around, some other Big Launch Comm was supposed to be sent out under the General Manager’s name.  Note that because his name is on it does not mean that he writes it – it means I write it and he says, “Okay, looks like something I would have written even though I don’t write things.”  Of course, I was told about this thing at the last minute, leaving me pretty much no time to get the needed approvals from the totem pole of management.  However, one of my Big Boss Ladies said that, “The GM approved, we’re good to send out.”  So, because this woman is three levels above me, and after checking with Team Leader Lady, I send this thing out.  Come to find out, GM Dude never approved it.  Somehow, this is my fault.  Everyone knew what happened, Big Boss Lady took the blame, but somehow, my team still felt like making me the scapegoat.  See, that’s what I get for listening to people who are supposedly my superiors.

Nightmare in Approval Process Land III:

See a theme here?  This Evil Work bit me in the backside just a few days ago.  Big Sales Communication was going to be posted online, and needed approval from GM Dude.  It was decided on a team call, attended by many a boss of mine, that I would write the content, and that Official Executive Comms Guy would get the needed approval.  Okay, makes sense.  Come to find out, Exec Comms Guy posted the story without ever getting the approval.  So, naturally, even though my team knew what was going on, it was my somehow my fault.  Exec Comms Guy said he would take the fall, but naturally, people got all peeved off at me because he didn’t do his job.  The moral of the story is:  Assume everything you do is wrong, and that if you do your job correctly, someone will get mad at you.

What Time Is It?:

So the corporate peeps all got together last year and decided that we need to cut down on the number of internal newsletters sent out, make them all the same “look and feel,” and send them out at designated hours.  They figured that it would be best to send things out before 8:30 a.m., and after 5:30 p.m., so as not to send people a glut of newsletters during prime work hours.  Got it.

Okay, so I send out Generic Technical Newsletter after 5:30 p.m. Eastern Time.  However, my boss is in the Central Time Zone.  So, 5:30 in NY is 4:30 in the Midwest, and therefore my 5:30 is not in the designated Sending Time in the Midwest.  Naturally, people get mad at me because there are time zones.  Because I have control over the Earth’s rotation.  Yeahhh, next time you implement some guideline like that, keep in mind that the company is global.

Thankfully, Work doesn’t bare its teeth at me that often.  And, after all, what would work be without its little annoyances, inconsistencies, and hypocrisies?  As the joke goes, then it wouldn’t be called “work” –  it would be called “fun.”

Corporate Phrase of the Week:

Buckets of Message – Heard it on a recent conference call, uttered by someone making up phrases to sound all cool and worky.  I’m pretty sure this can be simply stated as “messaging.”

Example – Let’s discuss the correct buckets of message to include in the next corporate sales communication.

How to Make Your Own “Conference Phrases”

So you’re on a late afternoon conference call, and some guy is presenting a slide deck surrounding the upcoming launch of Product X.  Not only is the PowerPoint deck loaded with all sorts of uppity, businessy words, but the guy is confidently spewing all sorts of phrases that sound impressive, but upon closer inspection, are totally ludicrous and irrelevant.  However, everyone else seems to think he’s making sense, and is regurgitating all sorts of other equally lame phrases right back. 

Now, these aren’t your normal, everyday metaphors and cliches that you’d use in casual conversation with friends (well, without getting laughed at) – these are Conference Phrases, and are an integral part of the work vernacular.

So you’re probably wondering how the heck people come up with these borderline nutcase phrases – is there some sort of training that you missed?  Is there a formal guidebook explaining how you should talk in the office?  Well, no.  But that’s why I’m here – to show you how you, too, can have your own arsenal of meaningless phrases to use in your next meeting.

Let’s get started:

In my extensive experience that I’ve gained by attending way too many meetings per week, I’ve noticed that many Conference Phrases follow similar formats.

Format #1:

We’ve got to (verb) this (noun) to the (noun).

This standard metaphor format is typically used when indicating urgency – i.e., getting a project done asap, quickly gathering materials for the announcement, etc.  Note that the more grand and unrelated the metaphor, the more you impress your coworkers.

Example:

We’ve got to ride this horse to the finish on this announcement.

We’ve got to drive this golf cart to the tee and get the project done.

We’ve got to bring our appetites to the dinner party and make the most of this product.

We’ve got to take this shuttle to Mars and really pull out this press release.

Format #2:

We really need to (verb) a (noun).

This other type of metaphor format is typically used by bosses when attempting to energize the team with what they think is a strong , philosophical, intelligent-sounding phrase.

Example:

We really need to drive a cadence.

We really need to pick the fruit.

We really need to eat the leftovers.

We really need to start the next World War.

Format #3:

This is as (adjective) as (noun).

This is a classic simile…work style!  Instead of comparing things that actually make sense, you equate projects and products to grandiose events and things that are kind of a stretch.

Example:

This product is as huge as the Grand Canyon.

This announcement is as crucial as world peace.

This project is as important as the Queen of England.

This release is as hot as your mom.

Hopefully these tips will really help you pull out the big guns on your next conference call, impress the boss, and win you the awe and admiration of your colleagues.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Upliftment (n.) – A BS word that strangely reminds me of the existing word uplifting.  Hmm perhaps they have the same definition?

Example – The upliftment of the purchase order will help us secure budget funds going into Q3.

What’s your job title?

So, in my experience with Corporate America, I’ve noticed that people have a lot of interesting job titles.  Some are confusing, some aren’t really true, and some just plain ol’ don’t make sense.  And, in case you were wondering, yes, this makes it very difficult to know what the people down the hall actually do for their careers. 

Experts in the field theorize that the reason for all of these BS titles is that Corporate America wants to confuse outsiders into taking it seriously, and wants to give its employees a false sense of ego inflation by doling out titles that sound impressive. 

In my experience, I’ve noticed that people’s BS titles typically fall into one of three categories, which I’ve outlined here for education purposes:

Um, could you explain what that means?

This is one of the most common buckets that BS job titles fall into.  Almost every day, either in e-mail signatures or in the company directory, I come across career titles that are basically meaningless to anyone outside the company. 

I won’t mention anyone’s actual title here, but it seem that some corporate titles are just a big bundle of ambiguity, like, “Initiatives Director,”  “Key Innovations Specialist,”  “Dynamic-Driven Consultant,” and “Manager of Directives.”  What does that actually mean?  Titles like this are so vague and convoluted that it’s almost always impossible to tell what the person does for a living. 

Note that you can make up your own BS, yet impressive-sounding job title simply by stringing a bunch of your fave corporate words together. 

How many vice presidents do we need?

This comprises yet another category of confusing job titles.  When I first started my job with Big Business, I was a bit perplexed.  It seemed that there were approximately 251 vice presidents for each area of the business.  This led me to think, “Why do we need that many?”  “Isn’t there usually only one?”  I mean, there aren’t multiple vice presidents of the United States.  There wasn’t more than one class vice president in school. 

This raises many a question in one’s mind.  Why are there so many vice presidents at work?  And if they’re all vice presidents, then who’s the president?  Is the CEO considered the president?  Is it the brand manager?  If something happens to the CEO, do all of the vice presidents assume his or her responsibilities?  And where exactly does the senior vice president come into play?  And why are there multiple SVP’s, too?  Can there be multiple CEO’s?  Can I be CEO?

Confusing, man.

But you’re not really a manager…

Here’s another confusing category of job titles.  I noticed when I first started in Corporate America that everybody has “manager” in his or her job description.  So, naturally, I assumed that these people were all manager-level employees, like my boss…aka, my manager.  So, come to find out, these people are managers only in the sense that they technically “manage” their own work , in that they complete it sometimes (and yes, in case you were wondering, I have the word “manager” in my job title :-P).

So does that mean I can call myself an executive because I “execute” my work projects?  Or am I a director because I can “direct” myself to work?

Hmm…

Corporate Word of the Week:

Choiceful (adj.) – This word appeared in a recent e-mail that I received about using the correct words in the branding of a new product release.  I believe the sentence was something like, “We need to be choiceful with our wording surrounding this launch.”  Um, I have news for you:  You need to be choiceful with your wording because choiceful isn’t a word.  Ha.

How to Make Your Own Marketing Phrases

Ever wonder how Big Business comes up with its marketing campaign names that are just bursting with buzzwords?  You know, the ones that they put at the end of TV commercials and in magazine advertisements that represent the latest corporate trends?  Ever wonder what the heck these phrases mean?

On the surface, these marketing phrases filled with strong action words and many-a-syllable seem very impressive.  However, when you step back and actually think about what these phrases mean, you don’t have a clue.  Well, I’ll let you in on a little inside secret:  it is widely theorized by researchers that these complex phrases mean absolutely nothing.  Top field researchers hypothesize that it’s something Corporate America does to sound intelligent, intimidate customers and competitors alike, and increase bottom line.  It is entirely within the realm of possibility that these phrases could possibly have a point, but Corporate America:  I’m on to you.

So now you might be wondering, “How does Big Business come up with these phrases?”  Well, there are a few widely accepted theories that I’ll share with the general public:

Method #1:

The first step is to get the dictionary of your choice.  Then, join a bunch of suit-clad colleagues in a big, overly air-conditioned grey conference room with lots of refreshments and big cushy leather executive-type chairs.  Then, simply go through the dictionary, point at random words, and string them together into a phrase.

Using this technique, and my trusty Scrabble dictionary, here’s what I came up with:

Randomly Chosen Words:  stable, fixture, organic, verbiage, grasp, linear, piddle, audit

Example Phrases:  Linear Verbiage, Organic Audit, Stable Fixture, Grasping Piddle

See, sounds like your company’s marketing campaign, right?  Maybe soon you’ll be working on advertising for the Organic Audit campaign.

Method #2:

This is a very popular method used by businesses everywhere, and has been widely used ever since the dawn of BS (note that the dawn of BS likely coincided with the birth of Big Business).   Companies often make use of this method on their corporate websites in really big letters on their home page. 

This method helps you make a simple, two-word marketing phrase that is lacking in any semblance of sense.  Just what corporate wants to see.  To make the first word of the phrase, take the comparative or superlative form of  an adjective.  For the second, pick your favorite corporate noun.

Examples:  Best Data, Newest Pipeline, Bigger Efficiencies, Cleaner Agenda

Hey, don’t be surprised if you see on some business site that Generic Company is about to announce its Cleaner Agenda marketing plan.

Method #3:

With this simple, surefire method, you can create a three-word phrase chock full of BS.  For the first word:  pick a coporatey-sounding noun.  The second word:  pick your favorite preposition.  The third word:  pick a businessy verb or noun.

Examples:  Innovation with Initiative,  Power in Action, Dynamics to Drive, Force through Assisting, Enterprise on Search

I could totally see Big Company X launching the Power in Action marketing campaign.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Thanks to one of my colleagues for sending this one over! 🙂

Quippocrite (n.) – This is a newly coined word used to refer to someone who sends an e-mail that is entirely contradictory to the inspirational quote that follows his or her signature.  A synonym for this is insigcere.

Example – You get an e-mail from Ms. Bosswoman where she’s going off on a rant about something inconsequential, and is essentially belittling people.  However, at the bottom of her e-mail, after her signature, you notice an inspirational quote that says something to the effect of “Kindness and respect are the foundations of a good business.”  This person would be a prime example of a quippocrite.

Why am I doing your job?

Ever find yourself doing tasks that you’re pretty sure are not in your job description?  Ever feel like you’re doing someone else’s job for him or her?  Is there some annoying boss, leader or colleague at your company who keeps trying to pawn off work on you?  Does it seem like some people are doing any work at all, because they’re too busy dumping?

Yeah,  it’s all part of the life experience that is your job.  While this type of thing shouldn’t be happening at all, it seems like it occurs at almost every office.  There’s always that one person who likes to dump work on others, and then take the credit for it.  Sometimes, they’re so sneaky about it, you don’t even know when it’s happening.  In situations such as this, refer to this handy guide to get you out of what could be a day devoted to doing some monster project for your team leader while he puts his feet up on his desk and watches videos on YouTube all day.

Are you really busy right now?

This question begins the downward spiral.  Your colleague from down the hall pops her head in and asks what you’re up to.  Never say, “Not much,” or “Nothing” or “I’m not too busy at the moment.”  NEVER.  You’re always busy and don’t think you’ll have a free moment all week.  Even when you’re really not.  The second you indicate that you have even a second ‘s break in your workday, the Pawner will latch on and suck out all of your free time.  You’ll notice that the instant you say “Naw, not too much is happening right now,” the Pawner’s eyes will light up with a sort of twisted glee.  Visions of going on Facebook and long lunches go through their heads, as they prepare to dump piles and piles of work on you…

Could you do me a favor?

A classic move.  The Pawner will seemingly innocently pop her head through your office door and say, “Boy, I’m so swamped today.  Could you help me with something?”  Don’t be a martyr and say, “Sure,” or “What is it?”  You simply can’t let yourself get sucked into this vortex of utter annoyance.  Your response should be, “Oh, I know!  Mr. Bossdude is really loading it on this week!  I’m totally busy too, with my own workload!  My apologies that I can’t help out.”  Even if the only thing you have to do until lunch time is send one e-mail and twiddle your thumbs, you’re busy, got it?  About 99 percent of the time, the Pawner is crying wolf, and actually isn’t maxed out with work…so you have no reason to feel lazy or bad.  Now, the Pawner might also throw in, “If you help me out with this, I’ll definitely have to repay you when you’re bogged down.”  Note:  This will never happen.  Every time you go to the Pawner with the favor, she will say, “Oh, I’m really busy and can’t help today – maybe tomorrow.”

But you’re so good at this!

This is another common excuse used by the Pawner.  When the Pawner strikes with this tactic, he will use some form of flattery, such as “You’re really good at PowerPoint,” or “You’re so much better at this than I am,” to butter you up.  You’re thinking, “Wow, I’m glad people notice what I’m doing around here to contribute.”  But the Pawner is thinking, “Yay, someone to do my work!”  So, your response to this tactic should be, “But I think you’re really talented with this, too,” or “Well, this experience will really help you to gain proficiency.”  And just keep insisting on those points.  Ha, stumps ’em.

I think that’s part of your job, right?

Sometimes, the Pawner likes to play dumb.  The Pawner knows that the huge budget spreadsheet is not part of your job, but pretends not to know that.  If you ever hear someone utter this phrase in regard to offloading work, know that you’re dealing with a Pawner.  When someone says this to you, you simply respond, “No it’s not in my job description.”  Or, “I’m pretty sure that’s part of what you do – maybe you should check with the manager to be sure.”  The second you involve a higher authority in your retort, the Pawner will retreat back to his office in defeat.

The bosses really like to see this sort of thing!

So sometimes, the Pawner mosey on over to your cubicle with grunt work artfully disguised as an “opportunity.”  Always be wary of this wolf in sheep’s clothing.  The Pawner will say, “I have a really high-visibility project for you.  This will really make you look good to the boss!”  So your first thought should be, “If this project is so great and will impress the boss so much, why aren’t you doing it?”  Good question.  Sometimes people are actually nice and give you opportunities, but not a Pawner-type.  If the Pawner drops on by and says this to you, just reply, “Oh, well, you really deserve this opportunity, you’re such an asset to the company.”  Ha, in your face, Pawner.

Ending note:  Be ever vigilant and work defensively – you never know when a Pawner attack will occur!

Corporate Phrase of the Week:

“I feel like I’m giving birth to a new team” – I heard this on some organizational announcement call.  The new manager was just announced as handling both marketing and communications people, thus forming a new team.  Okay, fine.  But then, the new manager said, “I feel like I’m giving birth to a new team.”  Uhhh gross.  That’s really not the kind of visual you want on a conference call – you know, your manager in labor and all.  Especially if it’s a guy… 😛

My Status on Status Reporting

So amidst all of the tasks that I complete over the course of a workweek in Corporate America, I have to say that there is one thing that can at times be the bane of my existence:  status reporting.  Status reports can come in a variety of forms, and can sometimes be so well-disguised, that you aren’t even conscious of the fact that you’re reporting the status of anything.  They are often next to pointless, and are only thrust upon you so that you can report numbers to your boss who will then, in turn, show them to her boss, and so on and so forth.  Corporate researchers are still unable to find an actual purpose to this baffling practice.

Some types of status reports I’ve encountered in my work experience:

The Status Report Spreadsheet (SRS):

This is one of the more traditional forms of status reporting.  Mr. Bossguy tells you that he wants to see some numbers, letting him know how many new clients your team secured over the past month, versus last month, measured up to the yearly targets set by corporate.  Okay, so it makes sense that this info is good to know.  But the thing is, what should be a matter of plugging in some basic numbers turns into having the absolute exact number with no margin of error, put into this official impractical template designed by some dude in corporate who has never actually used the spreadsheet.  Typically, when you fill out this spreadsheet with your status numbers and send to the boss, he will not even focus on the numbers, but will complain that you used the wrong font size and color.  This, in essence, wastes the time that you could be using to actually do the thing that your boss wants you to report that status of.  This is, universally, regarded as one of the big OMG’s – Office Mysteries that are Great.

The Status Report Conference Call (SRCC):

After you fill out the SRS, you will likely be asked to present these numbers on a Status Report Conference Call (SRCC).  This call will likely last 1-2 hours, and will typically end with a bunch of angry executives complaining about how the yearly targets won’t be met, or how they aren’t “aggressive enough.”  Also, there will be that one nitpicker who complains that your template doesn’t exactly match the almighty corporate reporting guidelines.  After the SRCC, you will be left with more work to do on the status report, which will most likely keep you busy up until the interval when the next status report is due.  At that time, you will have nothing to report since you just spent all of your time reporting the status, rather than having an actual status to report.  Quite the paradox.

The Status of Status (SOS):

This is, perhaps, the most annoying type of status:  the infamous Status of Status, aptly known as the SOS.  Before you submit the status spreadsheet to the boss – the status spreadsheet that you’ve been tweaking and retweaking for about the past 2 weeks – your colleague decides that it would be a good idea to hold a call about the spreadsheet to discuss the numbers that you’re planning to plug in.  This is the dreaded SOS.  Just a thought – if status reporting is so complicated that you need another call to discuss the status of your status reporting, then this just might be a bit counterproductive.  The best is when another colleague wants to talk to you in advance of your call with the other colleague to discuss the report for the boss – this is the status of the status of the status, which is simply known as “stupidity.”

Corporate Word of the Week:

“Hold their feet to the fire” – I think I threw up a little when I heard this phrase uttered by Ms. Loudwoman across the hall.  She was talking to her boss about her colleagues who still needed to submit their work on a project, and said that, “I really need to hold their feet to the fire on this, and get those product launch slides from them.”  Ummm what?  What’s wrong with just saying some other less annoying cliche, like “they need to own up?”  Also, this sounds a bit twisted – like an ancient pagan ritual or something.  Corporations today – where do they get this stuff?

Is it 5:00 yet?

It’s 2:00 p.m. on a Tuesday – lunch is an hour behind you, and the end of the day is still 3 hours away.  You’ve just finished up all of your work, your boss is on vacation and your boss’ boss is at Some Company Conference.  Translation:  you’re bored, you’re out of work to do, and no one is around to give you more work to keep you entertained.  Of course, you can’t just leave – it would be awesome if you could, but that would come across as, well, lazy and unprofessional.  And you don’t want to give that impression.  So what do you do for the rest of the day?  How do you give off the illusion that you’re doing work to your colleagues in the surrounding cubicles, without actually doing any?

Here are a few pointers:  (*Disclaimer:  Note that this is only recommended if you have absolutely nothing to do, and have exhausted all other ways to possibly find more work for yourself.  In other words, I’m not condoning being a lazy bum.  Also note that I don’t personally do any of these things, but they’re funny in theory. :-P)

Go on some sort of social networking site:

So you probably have at least one social networking account, be it on Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, etc.  So if your company hasn’t blocked those pages, totally go on one of those sites.  Update your profile, change your picture, maybe play a little Scrabble on that Facebook app you downloaded.  You might be thinking, “What if Nosy Coworker walks by and sees what I’m doing?”  Never fear – you just tell them that you’re researching ways for your company to get involved in the Web 2.0 space.  What if you’re in the middle of playing a game, or taking a quiz on a Facebook or MySpace app?  Then you simply explain that you’re looking into creating a social marketing application for your company.  There’s no way to prove that you’re not doing that…it’s pure genius.

Go to the bathroom:

Okay, so you’re probably thinking that this doesn’t waste too much time.  There’s where you’re wrong – it has loads of time-killing potential.  So you saunter down the rows of offices to the bathroom, go in and just hang for a while.  Maybe pull out your phone and start texting some friends for happy hour plans.  Take out your iPod and listen to a few songs.  This can shave anywhere from 10-20 minutes off your work day.  You might wonder, “Will people get suspicious?”  Maybe if you do that all the time.  But if you take a Long Bathroom Visit about once or twice per week, no one will be the wiser.  And why?  Because no one ever wants to know about the business you were conducting in the bathroom.  Pun intended.

Make a trip to the vending machine:

This is one of the most classic ways to waste time.  Now when you do this, make sure you choose the vending machine that is furthest away from your office, preferably even in another building.  No one will catch on, because you merely state that the vending machine close to you never has the food/soda you like the best, and/or is broken.  So then you get to the vending machine, purposely not having brought enough change, or no bill lower than a $20.  So then you have to go to the change machine – which is near the cafeteria in that other building.  So you go there.  Then you finally get some sort of sustenance – whether or not you’re actually hungry.  This is guaranteed to take up about 15 minutes – not too little time, and not too much to make coworkers wonder.  And to waste even more time, and to be the most popular worker in your row of cubicles – ask everyone around you if they want you to get them a snack, too.

Get one of those tabletop games:

Go to any toy store, and you’re sure to find an assortment of mini tabletop games, including such classics as finger bowling, mini billiards, tiny golf sets, etc.  You should totally pick one of these up for the office.  When your coworkers think you’re wasting time by trying to get a 300 game in finger bowling, just explain to them that you’re merely relieving the stress caused by that 8:30 a.m. budget meeting.  They’ll understand.  Other related options include buying a Zen garden (you know, the little sandbox things with the bonsai trees and the little rake?) or a mini Etch-a-Sketch or something.

Count the tiles on your office ceiling:

This is a last resort, but it gets the job done.  Just lean way back in your chair, put your feet on your desk and look at the ceiling.  Again, when asked what you are doing, say that you are relieving stress.  Works every time.

So hopefully now, you’re a little less bored, and a little bit closer to the golden hour that is 5:00 p.m.  Glad I could be of service.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

Impactful (v.) – I recently heard this one on some long conference call with the obligatory 65 accompanying PowerPoint slides.  When I heard this, I totally didn’t think it was a word.  Thus, I went to Google to confirm.  And, as thought, impactful is not a word, but rather, a made-up word that people use in the corporate setting to sound more intelligent.  Gag.

ex. – Now, let’s discuss the key plays that are most impactful on the business’ bottom line.

What NOT to Put in Your Facebook Profile…

Like millions and millions of people around the world, you probably have at least one profile on a social networking site, such as Facebook, MySpace or LinkedIn.  Or, if you don’t have a profile on one of these sites, you certainly must be familiar with the buzz surrounding Web 2.0 and new media and all that fun stuff.

However, nowadays, our personal spaces on social networking sites are being invaded by work.  For example, you’re probably friends with a lot of your coworkers, or even bosses (I’m friends with three levels of bosses and former bosses on Facebook and LinkedIn…seriously).  You might even be in a few groups that are related to your company or its products.  Let’s face it:  the line between work and personal life is becoming almost nonexistent when it comes to social networking.

That being said…be sure not to make any of these mistakes in your profile.  If you do…then wow.

Rule #1:  Don’t Put Shady Things in Your Interests / Activities:

Can’t tell you how many times I’ve come across violations of this rule while religiously checking out my “friends’ ” profiles (I use quotes because we all know that approximately 75% of our so-called friends on Facebook and MySpace are casual acquaintances or people we haven’t even met).  There are always a few people who aren’t the brightest bulbs – or who think they’re really cool – and put really loser-esque things in their interests and activities.  Look at your list of friends – I’ll bet you that at least a dozen of them have “sex” in their activities or interests.  To paraphrase Rose on the Golden Girls “It was always my understanding that people who talk about it all the time don’t do it very often.”  And do you really want your boss reading that you’re a nympho?  Or that weird guy who sits in the cubicle next to you who sent you that friend request last week?  Ewww.  I 100% guarantee that no one wants to know if you’re doing that.  I also 100% guarantee that you won’t be doing that more often if you put it in your Facebook / MySpace interests.  And, I also 100% guarantee that it’s pretty much a given that you would enjoy such an activity.  Duh.  And if you put it in your profile just to be funny, news flash – it’s not.

There are probably still others on your list of friends who have “smoking boles,” “toking,” “getting high” or some other pot-related phrase in their interests.  This is also not recommended for coming across as a professional to your employer…for obvious reasons.  If you do that, that’s great for you.  I don’t think the rest of Facebook really cares.  Unless you’re looking for smoking buddies or a supplier or something?  I don’t know.  This is also probably not funny to your boss, who might be checking out your profile.  Putting this in your interests might cause colleagues to raise their eyebrows every time your eyes are bloodshot, and when you go out to your car during breaktime…

And finally, this one is probably in about 75% of college students’ / recent graduates’ profiles:  getting drunk.  Yes, I went to college and I’m well aware of what happens when class is over…or even while it’s in session.  I know it’s fun to go out and have drinks, and to party on weekends.  But if you’re an intern and are under 21, I’d leave it out of the profile.  Please note that the presence of this in your profile does NOT make you cool.  The ladies aren’t going to see this in there and throw themselves all over you.  Nope.  Anyway, since you’re in college, it’s pretty much implied that you could be drinking.  Do you really need to proclaim it to the world? 

By the way, I’d also recommend not joining fan pages / groups for these interests.  I noticed the sex fan page, for example.  Ummm yeahhh, I pretty much think that everybody on Facebook is an implied fan.

Rule #2:  Don’t Put Shady Pix Online

Seems obvious enough, and goes hand-in-hand with rule #1.  Too many people break this one, too.  I can’t tell you how many times I go online, and see that someone has posted some drinking album called “GeTTinG HaMMerED” or something to that effect (note the annoying use of alternating capital with lowercase letters that is likely in the name of the album).  These albums usually contain picture after picture of a bunch of co-eds hanging out at some generic, run-of-the-mill bar, which is probably sticky and smells like a mix of alcohol, too much cologne and sweat.  Okay, whatever, we all go out and hit up the bar once in a while.  But herein lies the issue:  when people have pix of them in bar doing such unprofessional things as licking people / objects, making lewd hand gestures, touching some guy’s butt or lifting up one’s shirt.  Yeahhhh.  I never really understood why people think that posting pictures of themselves looking like losers is cool.

Rule #3:  Don’t Put Stupid Things in Your Status

So it’s a really gorgeous Friday – the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and God knows you don’t want to wake up and go to work.  So, you call in “sick,” and play the big kid version of hooky.  Okay, we all need a personal day once in a while, as to avoid going insane because of too much work.  Understood.  However, the dumb part of this comes when people put this in their status messages, or post this on friends’ walls.  It’s probably not a good idea to feature “skipping out of work for the day” as your status message, especially when you’re friends with people from your office, and/or boss.  It is also not good to post on a friend’s wall that “we should grab drinks because I’m cutting work today.”  Also, bear in mind that you should not post any pictures from your “sick day” excursion.  Just a thought.

You might be thinking, “It’s my personal life, I can do what I want, work shouldn’t be checking up on me.”  And I’d agree with you – this is probably true.  But since employers have been known to check your social networking profile, I’d be smart about this, folks.  Also take note that the opposite principle holds true:  you don’t have to overly kiss corporate butt and put “workin’ for the man,” “going to the office” and “working on weekends” in your interests.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

“The messaging ball is bouncing” – Overheard on one of the many conference calls that take up approximately 30% of my work week.  This is a perfect example of a work metaphor going too far…and becoming convoluted in meaning.  Corporate messaging is not a ball.  And where exactly is it bouncing to?  You know when you’re doing karaoke, and the little ball bounces over the words?  Is that like this fabled messaging ball?  Or is the messaging ball more like playing hot potato, and you keep throwing it someone else so you don’t have to work on it?  Hmm…