Is it 5:00 yet?

It’s 2:00 p.m. on a Tuesday – lunch is an hour behind you, and the end of the day is still 3 hours away.  You’ve just finished up all of your work, your boss is on vacation and your boss’ boss is at Some Company Conference.  Translation:  you’re bored, you’re out of work to do, and no one is around to give you more work to keep you entertained.  Of course, you can’t just leave – it would be awesome if you could, but that would come across as, well, lazy and unprofessional.  And you don’t want to give that impression.  So what do you do for the rest of the day?  How do you give off the illusion that you’re doing work to your colleagues in the surrounding cubicles, without actually doing any?

Here are a few pointers:  (*Disclaimer:  Note that this is only recommended if you have absolutely nothing to do, and have exhausted all other ways to possibly find more work for yourself.  In other words, I’m not condoning being a lazy bum.  Also note that I don’t personally do any of these things, but they’re funny in theory. :-P)

Go on some sort of social networking site:

So you probably have at least one social networking account, be it on Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, etc.  So if your company hasn’t blocked those pages, totally go on one of those sites.  Update your profile, change your picture, maybe play a little Scrabble on that Facebook app you downloaded.  You might be thinking, “What if Nosy Coworker walks by and sees what I’m doing?”  Never fear – you just tell them that you’re researching ways for your company to get involved in the Web 2.0 space.  What if you’re in the middle of playing a game, or taking a quiz on a Facebook or MySpace app?  Then you simply explain that you’re looking into creating a social marketing application for your company.  There’s no way to prove that you’re not doing that…it’s pure genius.

Go to the bathroom:

Okay, so you’re probably thinking that this doesn’t waste too much time.  There’s where you’re wrong – it has loads of time-killing potential.  So you saunter down the rows of offices to the bathroom, go in and just hang for a while.  Maybe pull out your phone and start texting some friends for happy hour plans.  Take out your iPod and listen to a few songs.  This can shave anywhere from 10-20 minutes off your work day.  You might wonder, “Will people get suspicious?”  Maybe if you do that all the time.  But if you take a Long Bathroom Visit about once or twice per week, no one will be the wiser.  And why?  Because no one ever wants to know about the business you were conducting in the bathroom.  Pun intended.

Make a trip to the vending machine:

This is one of the most classic ways to waste time.  Now when you do this, make sure you choose the vending machine that is furthest away from your office, preferably even in another building.  No one will catch on, because you merely state that the vending machine close to you never has the food/soda you like the best, and/or is broken.  So then you get to the vending machine, purposely not having brought enough change, or no bill lower than a $20.  So then you have to go to the change machine – which is near the cafeteria in that other building.  So you go there.  Then you finally get some sort of sustenance – whether or not you’re actually hungry.  This is guaranteed to take up about 15 minutes – not too little time, and not too much to make coworkers wonder.  And to waste even more time, and to be the most popular worker in your row of cubicles – ask everyone around you if they want you to get them a snack, too.

Get one of those tabletop games:

Go to any toy store, and you’re sure to find an assortment of mini tabletop games, including such classics as finger bowling, mini billiards, tiny golf sets, etc.  You should totally pick one of these up for the office.  When your coworkers think you’re wasting time by trying to get a 300 game in finger bowling, just explain to them that you’re merely relieving the stress caused by that 8:30 a.m. budget meeting.  They’ll understand.  Other related options include buying a Zen garden (you know, the little sandbox things with the bonsai trees and the little rake?) or a mini Etch-a-Sketch or something.

Count the tiles on your office ceiling:

This is a last resort, but it gets the job done.  Just lean way back in your chair, put your feet on your desk and look at the ceiling.  Again, when asked what you are doing, say that you are relieving stress.  Works every time.

So hopefully now, you’re a little less bored, and a little bit closer to the golden hour that is 5:00 p.m.  Glad I could be of service.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

Impactful (v.) – I recently heard this one on some long conference call with the obligatory 65 accompanying PowerPoint slides.  When I heard this, I totally didn’t think it was a word.  Thus, I went to Google to confirm.  And, as thought, impactful is not a word, but rather, a made-up word that people use in the corporate setting to sound more intelligent.  Gag.

ex. – Now, let’s discuss the key plays that are most impactful on the business’ bottom line.

What NOT to Put in Your Facebook Profile…

Like millions and millions of people around the world, you probably have at least one profile on a social networking site, such as Facebook, MySpace or LinkedIn.  Or, if you don’t have a profile on one of these sites, you certainly must be familiar with the buzz surrounding Web 2.0 and new media and all that fun stuff.

However, nowadays, our personal spaces on social networking sites are being invaded by work.  For example, you’re probably friends with a lot of your coworkers, or even bosses (I’m friends with three levels of bosses and former bosses on Facebook and LinkedIn…seriously).  You might even be in a few groups that are related to your company or its products.  Let’s face it:  the line between work and personal life is becoming almost nonexistent when it comes to social networking.

That being said…be sure not to make any of these mistakes in your profile.  If you do…then wow.

Rule #1:  Don’t Put Shady Things in Your Interests / Activities:

Can’t tell you how many times I’ve come across violations of this rule while religiously checking out my “friends’ ” profiles (I use quotes because we all know that approximately 75% of our so-called friends on Facebook and MySpace are casual acquaintances or people we haven’t even met).  There are always a few people who aren’t the brightest bulbs – or who think they’re really cool – and put really loser-esque things in their interests and activities.  Look at your list of friends – I’ll bet you that at least a dozen of them have “sex” in their activities or interests.  To paraphrase Rose on the Golden Girls “It was always my understanding that people who talk about it all the time don’t do it very often.”  And do you really want your boss reading that you’re a nympho?  Or that weird guy who sits in the cubicle next to you who sent you that friend request last week?  Ewww.  I 100% guarantee that no one wants to know if you’re doing that.  I also 100% guarantee that you won’t be doing that more often if you put it in your Facebook / MySpace interests.  And, I also 100% guarantee that it’s pretty much a given that you would enjoy such an activity.  Duh.  And if you put it in your profile just to be funny, news flash – it’s not.

There are probably still others on your list of friends who have “smoking boles,” “toking,” “getting high” or some other pot-related phrase in their interests.  This is also not recommended for coming across as a professional to your employer…for obvious reasons.  If you do that, that’s great for you.  I don’t think the rest of Facebook really cares.  Unless you’re looking for smoking buddies or a supplier or something?  I don’t know.  This is also probably not funny to your boss, who might be checking out your profile.  Putting this in your interests might cause colleagues to raise their eyebrows every time your eyes are bloodshot, and when you go out to your car during breaktime…

And finally, this one is probably in about 75% of college students’ / recent graduates’ profiles:  getting drunk.  Yes, I went to college and I’m well aware of what happens when class is over…or even while it’s in session.  I know it’s fun to go out and have drinks, and to party on weekends.  But if you’re an intern and are under 21, I’d leave it out of the profile.  Please note that the presence of this in your profile does NOT make you cool.  The ladies aren’t going to see this in there and throw themselves all over you.  Nope.  Anyway, since you’re in college, it’s pretty much implied that you could be drinking.  Do you really need to proclaim it to the world? 

By the way, I’d also recommend not joining fan pages / groups for these interests.  I noticed the sex fan page, for example.  Ummm yeahhh, I pretty much think that everybody on Facebook is an implied fan.

Rule #2:  Don’t Put Shady Pix Online

Seems obvious enough, and goes hand-in-hand with rule #1.  Too many people break this one, too.  I can’t tell you how many times I go online, and see that someone has posted some drinking album called “GeTTinG HaMMerED” or something to that effect (note the annoying use of alternating capital with lowercase letters that is likely in the name of the album).  These albums usually contain picture after picture of a bunch of co-eds hanging out at some generic, run-of-the-mill bar, which is probably sticky and smells like a mix of alcohol, too much cologne and sweat.  Okay, whatever, we all go out and hit up the bar once in a while.  But herein lies the issue:  when people have pix of them in bar doing such unprofessional things as licking people / objects, making lewd hand gestures, touching some guy’s butt or lifting up one’s shirt.  Yeahhhh.  I never really understood why people think that posting pictures of themselves looking like losers is cool.

Rule #3:  Don’t Put Stupid Things in Your Status

So it’s a really gorgeous Friday – the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and God knows you don’t want to wake up and go to work.  So, you call in “sick,” and play the big kid version of hooky.  Okay, we all need a personal day once in a while, as to avoid going insane because of too much work.  Understood.  However, the dumb part of this comes when people put this in their status messages, or post this on friends’ walls.  It’s probably not a good idea to feature “skipping out of work for the day” as your status message, especially when you’re friends with people from your office, and/or boss.  It is also not good to post on a friend’s wall that “we should grab drinks because I’m cutting work today.”  Also, bear in mind that you should not post any pictures from your “sick day” excursion.  Just a thought.

You might be thinking, “It’s my personal life, I can do what I want, work shouldn’t be checking up on me.”  And I’d agree with you – this is probably true.  But since employers have been known to check your social networking profile, I’d be smart about this, folks.  Also take note that the opposite principle holds true:  you don’t have to overly kiss corporate butt and put “workin’ for the man,” “going to the office” and “working on weekends” in your interests.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

“The messaging ball is bouncing” – Overheard on one of the many conference calls that take up approximately 30% of my work week.  This is a perfect example of a work metaphor going too far…and becoming convoluted in meaning.  Corporate messaging is not a ball.  And where exactly is it bouncing to?  You know when you’re doing karaoke, and the little ball bounces over the words?  Is that like this fabled messaging ball?  Or is the messaging ball more like playing hot potato, and you keep throwing it someone else so you don’t have to work on it?  Hmm…