How to Make Your Own “Conference Phrases”

So you’re on a late afternoon conference call, and some guy is presenting a slide deck surrounding the upcoming launch of Product X.  Not only is the PowerPoint deck loaded with all sorts of uppity, businessy words, but the guy is confidently spewing all sorts of phrases that sound impressive, but upon closer inspection, are totally ludicrous and irrelevant.  However, everyone else seems to think he’s making sense, and is regurgitating all sorts of other equally lame phrases right back. 

Now, these aren’t your normal, everyday metaphors and cliches that you’d use in casual conversation with friends (well, without getting laughed at) – these are Conference Phrases, and are an integral part of the work vernacular.

So you’re probably wondering how the heck people come up with these borderline nutcase phrases – is there some sort of training that you missed?  Is there a formal guidebook explaining how you should talk in the office?  Well, no.  But that’s why I’m here – to show you how you, too, can have your own arsenal of meaningless phrases to use in your next meeting.

Let’s get started:

In my extensive experience that I’ve gained by attending way too many meetings per week, I’ve noticed that many Conference Phrases follow similar formats.

Format #1:

We’ve got to (verb) this (noun) to the (noun).

This standard metaphor format is typically used when indicating urgency – i.e., getting a project done asap, quickly gathering materials for the announcement, etc.  Note that the more grand and unrelated the metaphor, the more you impress your coworkers.

Example:

We’ve got to ride this horse to the finish on this announcement.

We’ve got to drive this golf cart to the tee and get the project done.

We’ve got to bring our appetites to the dinner party and make the most of this product.

We’ve got to take this shuttle to Mars and really pull out this press release.

Format #2:

We really need to (verb) a (noun).

This other type of metaphor format is typically used by bosses when attempting to energize the team with what they think is a strong , philosophical, intelligent-sounding phrase.

Example:

We really need to drive a cadence.

We really need to pick the fruit.

We really need to eat the leftovers.

We really need to start the next World War.

Format #3:

This is as (adjective) as (noun).

This is a classic simile…work style!  Instead of comparing things that actually make sense, you equate projects and products to grandiose events and things that are kind of a stretch.

Example:

This product is as huge as the Grand Canyon.

This announcement is as crucial as world peace.

This project is as important as the Queen of England.

This release is as hot as your mom.

Hopefully these tips will really help you pull out the big guns on your next conference call, impress the boss, and win you the awe and admiration of your colleagues.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Upliftment (n.) – A BS word that strangely reminds me of the existing word uplifting.  Hmm perhaps they have the same definition?

Example – The upliftment of the purchase order will help us secure budget funds going into Q3.

What’s your job title?

So, in my experience with Corporate America, I’ve noticed that people have a lot of interesting job titles.  Some are confusing, some aren’t really true, and some just plain ol’ don’t make sense.  And, in case you were wondering, yes, this makes it very difficult to know what the people down the hall actually do for their careers. 

Experts in the field theorize that the reason for all of these BS titles is that Corporate America wants to confuse outsiders into taking it seriously, and wants to give its employees a false sense of ego inflation by doling out titles that sound impressive. 

In my experience, I’ve noticed that people’s BS titles typically fall into one of three categories, which I’ve outlined here for education purposes:

Um, could you explain what that means?

This is one of the most common buckets that BS job titles fall into.  Almost every day, either in e-mail signatures or in the company directory, I come across career titles that are basically meaningless to anyone outside the company. 

I won’t mention anyone’s actual title here, but it seem that some corporate titles are just a big bundle of ambiguity, like, “Initiatives Director,”  “Key Innovations Specialist,”  “Dynamic-Driven Consultant,” and “Manager of Directives.”  What does that actually mean?  Titles like this are so vague and convoluted that it’s almost always impossible to tell what the person does for a living. 

Note that you can make up your own BS, yet impressive-sounding job title simply by stringing a bunch of your fave corporate words together. 

How many vice presidents do we need?

This comprises yet another category of confusing job titles.  When I first started my job with Big Business, I was a bit perplexed.  It seemed that there were approximately 251 vice presidents for each area of the business.  This led me to think, “Why do we need that many?”  “Isn’t there usually only one?”  I mean, there aren’t multiple vice presidents of the United States.  There wasn’t more than one class vice president in school. 

This raises many a question in one’s mind.  Why are there so many vice presidents at work?  And if they’re all vice presidents, then who’s the president?  Is the CEO considered the president?  Is it the brand manager?  If something happens to the CEO, do all of the vice presidents assume his or her responsibilities?  And where exactly does the senior vice president come into play?  And why are there multiple SVP’s, too?  Can there be multiple CEO’s?  Can I be CEO?

Confusing, man.

But you’re not really a manager…

Here’s another confusing category of job titles.  I noticed when I first started in Corporate America that everybody has “manager” in his or her job description.  So, naturally, I assumed that these people were all manager-level employees, like my boss…aka, my manager.  So, come to find out, these people are managers only in the sense that they technically “manage” their own work , in that they complete it sometimes (and yes, in case you were wondering, I have the word “manager” in my job title :-P).

So does that mean I can call myself an executive because I “execute” my work projects?  Or am I a director because I can “direct” myself to work?

Hmm…

Corporate Word of the Week:

Choiceful (adj.) – This word appeared in a recent e-mail that I received about using the correct words in the branding of a new product release.  I believe the sentence was something like, “We need to be choiceful with our wording surrounding this launch.”  Um, I have news for you:  You need to be choiceful with your wording because choiceful isn’t a word.  Ha.

How to Make Your Own Marketing Phrases

Ever wonder how Big Business comes up with its marketing campaign names that are just bursting with buzzwords?  You know, the ones that they put at the end of TV commercials and in magazine advertisements that represent the latest corporate trends?  Ever wonder what the heck these phrases mean?

On the surface, these marketing phrases filled with strong action words and many-a-syllable seem very impressive.  However, when you step back and actually think about what these phrases mean, you don’t have a clue.  Well, I’ll let you in on a little inside secret:  it is widely theorized by researchers that these complex phrases mean absolutely nothing.  Top field researchers hypothesize that it’s something Corporate America does to sound intelligent, intimidate customers and competitors alike, and increase bottom line.  It is entirely within the realm of possibility that these phrases could possibly have a point, but Corporate America:  I’m on to you.

So now you might be wondering, “How does Big Business come up with these phrases?”  Well, there are a few widely accepted theories that I’ll share with the general public:

Method #1:

The first step is to get the dictionary of your choice.  Then, join a bunch of suit-clad colleagues in a big, overly air-conditioned grey conference room with lots of refreshments and big cushy leather executive-type chairs.  Then, simply go through the dictionary, point at random words, and string them together into a phrase.

Using this technique, and my trusty Scrabble dictionary, here’s what I came up with:

Randomly Chosen Words:  stable, fixture, organic, verbiage, grasp, linear, piddle, audit

Example Phrases:  Linear Verbiage, Organic Audit, Stable Fixture, Grasping Piddle

See, sounds like your company’s marketing campaign, right?  Maybe soon you’ll be working on advertising for the Organic Audit campaign.

Method #2:

This is a very popular method used by businesses everywhere, and has been widely used ever since the dawn of BS (note that the dawn of BS likely coincided with the birth of Big Business).   Companies often make use of this method on their corporate websites in really big letters on their home page. 

This method helps you make a simple, two-word marketing phrase that is lacking in any semblance of sense.  Just what corporate wants to see.  To make the first word of the phrase, take the comparative or superlative form of  an adjective.  For the second, pick your favorite corporate noun.

Examples:  Best Data, Newest Pipeline, Bigger Efficiencies, Cleaner Agenda

Hey, don’t be surprised if you see on some business site that Generic Company is about to announce its Cleaner Agenda marketing plan.

Method #3:

With this simple, surefire method, you can create a three-word phrase chock full of BS.  For the first word:  pick a coporatey-sounding noun.  The second word:  pick your favorite preposition.  The third word:  pick a businessy verb or noun.

Examples:  Innovation with Initiative,  Power in Action, Dynamics to Drive, Force through Assisting, Enterprise on Search

I could totally see Big Company X launching the Power in Action marketing campaign.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Thanks to one of my colleagues for sending this one over! 🙂

Quippocrite (n.) – This is a newly coined word used to refer to someone who sends an e-mail that is entirely contradictory to the inspirational quote that follows his or her signature.  A synonym for this is insigcere.

Example – You get an e-mail from Ms. Bosswoman where she’s going off on a rant about something inconsequential, and is essentially belittling people.  However, at the bottom of her e-mail, after her signature, you notice an inspirational quote that says something to the effect of “Kindness and respect are the foundations of a good business.”  This person would be a prime example of a quippocrite.

My Status on Status Reporting

So amidst all of the tasks that I complete over the course of a workweek in Corporate America, I have to say that there is one thing that can at times be the bane of my existence:  status reporting.  Status reports can come in a variety of forms, and can sometimes be so well-disguised, that you aren’t even conscious of the fact that you’re reporting the status of anything.  They are often next to pointless, and are only thrust upon you so that you can report numbers to your boss who will then, in turn, show them to her boss, and so on and so forth.  Corporate researchers are still unable to find an actual purpose to this baffling practice.

Some types of status reports I’ve encountered in my work experience:

The Status Report Spreadsheet (SRS):

This is one of the more traditional forms of status reporting.  Mr. Bossguy tells you that he wants to see some numbers, letting him know how many new clients your team secured over the past month, versus last month, measured up to the yearly targets set by corporate.  Okay, so it makes sense that this info is good to know.  But the thing is, what should be a matter of plugging in some basic numbers turns into having the absolute exact number with no margin of error, put into this official impractical template designed by some dude in corporate who has never actually used the spreadsheet.  Typically, when you fill out this spreadsheet with your status numbers and send to the boss, he will not even focus on the numbers, but will complain that you used the wrong font size and color.  This, in essence, wastes the time that you could be using to actually do the thing that your boss wants you to report that status of.  This is, universally, regarded as one of the big OMG’s – Office Mysteries that are Great.

The Status Report Conference Call (SRCC):

After you fill out the SRS, you will likely be asked to present these numbers on a Status Report Conference Call (SRCC).  This call will likely last 1-2 hours, and will typically end with a bunch of angry executives complaining about how the yearly targets won’t be met, or how they aren’t “aggressive enough.”  Also, there will be that one nitpicker who complains that your template doesn’t exactly match the almighty corporate reporting guidelines.  After the SRCC, you will be left with more work to do on the status report, which will most likely keep you busy up until the interval when the next status report is due.  At that time, you will have nothing to report since you just spent all of your time reporting the status, rather than having an actual status to report.  Quite the paradox.

The Status of Status (SOS):

This is, perhaps, the most annoying type of status:  the infamous Status of Status, aptly known as the SOS.  Before you submit the status spreadsheet to the boss – the status spreadsheet that you’ve been tweaking and retweaking for about the past 2 weeks – your colleague decides that it would be a good idea to hold a call about the spreadsheet to discuss the numbers that you’re planning to plug in.  This is the dreaded SOS.  Just a thought – if status reporting is so complicated that you need another call to discuss the status of your status reporting, then this just might be a bit counterproductive.  The best is when another colleague wants to talk to you in advance of your call with the other colleague to discuss the report for the boss – this is the status of the status of the status, which is simply known as “stupidity.”

Corporate Word of the Week:

“Hold their feet to the fire” – I think I threw up a little when I heard this phrase uttered by Ms. Loudwoman across the hall.  She was talking to her boss about her colleagues who still needed to submit their work on a project, and said that, “I really need to hold their feet to the fire on this, and get those product launch slides from them.”  Ummm what?  What’s wrong with just saying some other less annoying cliche, like “they need to own up?”  Also, this sounds a bit twisted – like an ancient pagan ritual or something.  Corporations today – where do they get this stuff?

Is it 5:00 yet?

It’s 2:00 p.m. on a Tuesday – lunch is an hour behind you, and the end of the day is still 3 hours away.  You’ve just finished up all of your work, your boss is on vacation and your boss’ boss is at Some Company Conference.  Translation:  you’re bored, you’re out of work to do, and no one is around to give you more work to keep you entertained.  Of course, you can’t just leave – it would be awesome if you could, but that would come across as, well, lazy and unprofessional.  And you don’t want to give that impression.  So what do you do for the rest of the day?  How do you give off the illusion that you’re doing work to your colleagues in the surrounding cubicles, without actually doing any?

Here are a few pointers:  (*Disclaimer:  Note that this is only recommended if you have absolutely nothing to do, and have exhausted all other ways to possibly find more work for yourself.  In other words, I’m not condoning being a lazy bum.  Also note that I don’t personally do any of these things, but they’re funny in theory. :-P)

Go on some sort of social networking site:

So you probably have at least one social networking account, be it on Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, etc.  So if your company hasn’t blocked those pages, totally go on one of those sites.  Update your profile, change your picture, maybe play a little Scrabble on that Facebook app you downloaded.  You might be thinking, “What if Nosy Coworker walks by and sees what I’m doing?”  Never fear – you just tell them that you’re researching ways for your company to get involved in the Web 2.0 space.  What if you’re in the middle of playing a game, or taking a quiz on a Facebook or MySpace app?  Then you simply explain that you’re looking into creating a social marketing application for your company.  There’s no way to prove that you’re not doing that…it’s pure genius.

Go to the bathroom:

Okay, so you’re probably thinking that this doesn’t waste too much time.  There’s where you’re wrong – it has loads of time-killing potential.  So you saunter down the rows of offices to the bathroom, go in and just hang for a while.  Maybe pull out your phone and start texting some friends for happy hour plans.  Take out your iPod and listen to a few songs.  This can shave anywhere from 10-20 minutes off your work day.  You might wonder, “Will people get suspicious?”  Maybe if you do that all the time.  But if you take a Long Bathroom Visit about once or twice per week, no one will be the wiser.  And why?  Because no one ever wants to know about the business you were conducting in the bathroom.  Pun intended.

Make a trip to the vending machine:

This is one of the most classic ways to waste time.  Now when you do this, make sure you choose the vending machine that is furthest away from your office, preferably even in another building.  No one will catch on, because you merely state that the vending machine close to you never has the food/soda you like the best, and/or is broken.  So then you get to the vending machine, purposely not having brought enough change, or no bill lower than a $20.  So then you have to go to the change machine – which is near the cafeteria in that other building.  So you go there.  Then you finally get some sort of sustenance – whether or not you’re actually hungry.  This is guaranteed to take up about 15 minutes – not too little time, and not too much to make coworkers wonder.  And to waste even more time, and to be the most popular worker in your row of cubicles – ask everyone around you if they want you to get them a snack, too.

Get one of those tabletop games:

Go to any toy store, and you’re sure to find an assortment of mini tabletop games, including such classics as finger bowling, mini billiards, tiny golf sets, etc.  You should totally pick one of these up for the office.  When your coworkers think you’re wasting time by trying to get a 300 game in finger bowling, just explain to them that you’re merely relieving the stress caused by that 8:30 a.m. budget meeting.  They’ll understand.  Other related options include buying a Zen garden (you know, the little sandbox things with the bonsai trees and the little rake?) or a mini Etch-a-Sketch or something.

Count the tiles on your office ceiling:

This is a last resort, but it gets the job done.  Just lean way back in your chair, put your feet on your desk and look at the ceiling.  Again, when asked what you are doing, say that you are relieving stress.  Works every time.

So hopefully now, you’re a little less bored, and a little bit closer to the golden hour that is 5:00 p.m.  Glad I could be of service.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

Impactful (v.) – I recently heard this one on some long conference call with the obligatory 65 accompanying PowerPoint slides.  When I heard this, I totally didn’t think it was a word.  Thus, I went to Google to confirm.  And, as thought, impactful is not a word, but rather, a made-up word that people use in the corporate setting to sound more intelligent.  Gag.

ex. – Now, let’s discuss the key plays that are most impactful on the business’ bottom line.

The Corporate Word Translator

You’ve learned how to make your own Corporate Words, now, learn how to translate Corporate Speak to plain English!  Ever find yourself in meetings where practically every word that your bosses and coworkers utter is pure fluff?  Ever find youself staring at PowerPoint presentations, trying to make sense of all of the unnecessary flow charts and gibberish?  Well then, read on so you can finally crack the corporate code and know exactly what your colleagues are saying!  After reading this, you’ll be able to wow upper management with your awe-inspiring grasp of job jargon.

A list of common work words & phrases:

Actionable Insight – This seems to pop up a lot in corporate data sheets and white papers.  I guess it means, um, insight into your business?  Something like that?  Or maybe it doesn’t mean anything at all…hmm…

Business Benefits / Business Challenges – When marketing to other companies, corporations tend to specify types of challenges and benefits by using the modifier “business,” for some reason.  This just simply means “challenges” and “benefits.”  It really doesn’t make sense to include the word “business” in these phrases – I think customers realize that they are businesses without others telling them so.  Just a thought.

Core Competencies – This basically means “skills.”  Yup, just skills.

Driving a Cadence – You thought cadences just appeared in music, but not anymore!  Your manager might use this phrase when he or she actually means, “creating a schedule.”  Along those same lines, I’ve noticed that people are adapting non-work-related words to the workplace more and more.  For example, I’ve also heard of the “corporate ecosystem,” and the “pipeline of events,” and “starbursts of key priorities.”  Eww.

*Dynamic – This word once meant “pertaining to or characterized by energy or effective action,” according to dictionary.com.  Now, however, it’s pretty much lost all meaning.  I’ve seen this word in so many presentations, and heard it on so many conference calls, that this word has been reduced to mere corporate filler.  If you see or hear this word, just pretend that it’s not there:  the odds are, it really offers nothing to the sentence or phrase, and it’s just there because your coworker wants to sound, how shall we say, “dynamic.”

*Here are some other work words that also appear as filler:  innovative, robust, key, core, driving, spearheading, strategic, programmatic, informational

Key Plays – So you just got an e-mail, and attached is a PowerPoint presentation with the new boss’ “key plays.”  Now, what the heck does that mean?  Well, key plays, put very simply, means “goals.”  Saying “key plays” just makes the goals sound more lofty and well-developed.

Strategic Initiatives – This just translates to “strategies.”  Remember how in middle school, you learned to be concise with your writing and speaking?  Well, just bear in mind that when writing or speaking at work, this principle goes out the door.  At work, the more unnecessary words, the better.

Synergy – This word is soooo 1990’s Corporate America, but it still pops up in conversation at least biweekly.  People should really just say, “cooperation.”  Or, “working together.”  Or anything else.  Seriously.

Some tips for speaking / writing for the workplace:

Always make an acronym for something.  Even when it really isn’t applicable.  For example, a phrase such as “have a meeting after lunch” can be made into HML.  “Presenting in a meeting” can be PM.  You get the picture.

Use a lot of unnecessary adjectives.  The filler words mentioned earlier are great for this purpose.

Give really simple things complicated names in order to sound smarter.  “Actionable insight” is a prime example of this practice.  For instance, you can call “learning,” “key intelligence enhancement initiatives.”  “Making a spreadsheet” can be “compiling a centralized, aligned source of table-formatted information for ease of viewing.” 

Corporate Word of the week:

Auditability (n.) – In the spirit of tax season, I’ve decided to feature this word.  This is not actually a word – what this means is “something that can be audited,” or, “something that is likely to be audited.”  Like taxes.  Yay.

Example – The company’s tax returns were not done correctly, and have much auditability.

The age-old question: career, family, or both?

So granted, I’m only 23 and have just entered the work force, and don’t have kids or anything (ha), but I still find myself struggling with a huge decision that I know is looming in the not-so-distant future:  career, family, or both?

Is this decision a polarized one, or can one find a fulfilling mix of both?  I’m hoping that the latter is true.  Today’s family sees much more equality in gender roles with who takes care of the kiddies, and who goes out and makes the money (thankfully).  But, nevertheless, it’s still a big issue for both parents to take into account.

Note that I definitely don’t knock what anyone else chooses to do – that’s his/her own decision.  This just represents the thoughts I’m wrestling with…

To me, the thought of both parents holding down full-time day jobs, and then going home to young children at night seems quite daunting.  And, do I really want to have children be in daycare all day, while the parents are at work?  Maybe both parents can work part time?  Or, one works part time, the other works full time?  Something like that?

Some anecdotes I’ve heard:

1.  One day, over the summer, I overheard someone at work talking on the phone about his/her children (who were at daycare)…and didn’t know what day they started school!  This person really had no idea.  Do I really want this to be me in x number of years?  Do I want to be so immersed in my career that I have no clue when my kids are going back to school? Hmm…

2.  Another time, just recently, I was chatting with someone at the office who just had a baby 6 months ago.  This person said (and I quote), “Now with the baby, it’s like, it’s 6 o’clock and I have to get going early to get home!”  No joke, this was a serious statement.  If 6 p.m. is leaving early, I don’t want to know what leaving late is…

Okay, so granted, I don’t know the full story about these people or how it is in their homes, but it really makes me question if you can be a workaholic and a parent, and have neither sphere of life suffer.  Also, I know that IBM is really flexible when it comes to the work / home balance, so aren’t people taking advantage of that?

Now, on the opposite end of the spectrum, I (or my soon-to-be-husband) could stay at home with the kids all day.  But then, what do you do when the kids go to school, you have nothing to do with yourself all day, and you have no career to fall back on?

I don’t think I want that, either.

Is it possible to work part-time, so that you can have the best of both?  You still have the job to be self-fulfilled, yet you’re not so pressed for time that you can’t devote yourself to your family.  I know that IBM has job share that means two people can work part time and split the work of a full-time job, and that people can take advantage of working at home.  But would working part-time translate to lack of career devotion to an employer?  Would working at home blur the line between work and family?  Would both parents working constantly hurt my familial relationships, and psychologically mess my kids up and make them become detached or something?  Will they become closer to babysitters and nannies rather than their own parents?

Lots to consider.  But at least I can put off making this difficult decision for a decent number of years yet… 🙂

Corporate Word of the Week:

Byliner (n.)– A non-existent term that is erroneously used when one really means “byline article.”

ex. – We should write a byliner under the executive’s name surrounding the new service we’re offering.