Ah, meetings – it seems no work week in Corporate America is quite complete without them. Admittedly, sometimes I actually like having meetings – they kinda make me feel all important and professional and the such, and they’re a great way to kill time and make the work day go by faster.
However, attending at least one conference call on a daily basis for about the past year-and-a-half has led me to categorize them in a few ways. Please refer to this as a handy guidebook to help you identify what type of meeting you are stuck in. Also, make a note that hybrids of these meeting types have also been commonly sighted in the office habitat.
Meeting Type A:
This kind of meeting is also known as a “Circular Meeting” (CM). CM’s are characterized by people reiterating the same thing over and over again, and at the end, you realize you’re right back where you started, haven’t accomplished a thing, and need to schedule another meeting to attempt and accomplish the goal that the first meeting was intended to accomplish.
For example, a typical Circular Meeting might go in such a way:
Corporate Dude #1: We need to get more customer testimonials for the product.
Corporate Dude #2: I’ve found that potential customers like to hear about what other customers enjoy about our products, and I know that others’ experiences optimize their buying potential and embody what they want to hear about our key product areas. More customer testimonials are just what we need.
Corporate Dude #3: We really need to drive a cadence here, and need to lay out our roadmap going forward into next quarter. We want to back up our best-of-breed products with robust, rich, client experiences. We need to have more customer testimonials.
*Note how each person uses big words and impressive corporate speech to reiterate the same point. The excessive tangents and fluff might mask the fact that you’re in a Circular Meeting, so beware!
Meeting Type B:
This meeting is also known as a “Stalemate Meeting” (SM). In this type of conference, there are stubborn, type-A people who have differing opinions on how to accomplish something. They refuse to budge, argue for the duration of the meeting, and accomplish a bunch of zilch in the end. This meeting thus ends in a stalemate, and all further discussion has to be postponed until another meeting, where the same scenario occurs again.
Example:
Corporate Dude #1: We should move all of our internal communications online, so we don’t send out so many e-mails.
Corporate Dude #2: We should continue to send e-mails, no one will go online to read our communications.
Corporate Dude #1: No, I think we definitely need to move everything online. It’s the way of the future, and we definitely can’t just compromise and have both an e-mail and online component, because I’m clearly right about this.
Corporate Dude #2: No, we need to send e-mails because no one can find anything online. This is what works, and we totally can’t compromise, since I’m obviously the one who’s correct.
*Note how a simple compromise could effectively meet both parties needs, but no one will ever realize that.
Meeting Type C:
This type of meeting is called a “Meeting about a Meeting” (MaaM). These conferences are usually held in advance of a meeting with some sort of boss / bigwig. On these calls, the lower people on the corporate totem pole meet to discuss what they think the boss wants to see / hear at the next meeting. On these calls, lengthy discussions are had as to what type of PowerPoint presentation the boss would like to see, what types of distracting pictures to include, and how to word things so as to make it seem like the team is doing more than in actuality.
Example:
Corporate Dude #1: I think we should have a 50-slide PowerPoint for the next meeting with Ms. Bosswoman.
Corporate Dude #2: Definitely. We should use many acronyms, pictures, and multi-syllabic words so that she will be so confused, she can’t possibly ask us questions as to what we’re actually doing.
*Note that these meetings are held in desperate attempts to cover one’s butt. Also note that a simple e-mail or quick phone call would usually be just as effective as scheduling a Meeting about a Meeting.
Meeting Type D:
This category of meeting is also called a “Deja vu Meeting” (DVM). At these meetings, you get the feeling that you had the same exact conversation at last week’s meeting. And at the week before last week’s meeting. You remember mentioning the same points, and the same ideas. You realize that none of your ideas have been executed.
Example:
Last week’s meeting:
Corporate Dude #1: We should include more links on the website. What do you think?
Corporate Dude #2: Yes, we need to link to our social networking ventures, our new customer videos, and the new data sheet.
This week’s meeting:
Corporate Dude #1: I wanted to run the idea by you of having more links on the site.
Corporate Dude #2: Yes, we need to link to our social networking ventures, our new customer videos, and the new data sheet.
*Note that Corporate Dude #1 really needs to start taking better notes / listening.
Meeting Type E:
These meetings are also called “Blink Meetings” (BM). These types of meetings take approximately one minute, whereupon you realize that you totally could’ve just sent an e-mail. And, you wonder why you just scheduled a half hour for a meeting in which you blinked about twice.
Example:
Corporate Dude #1: Let’s discuss what to write about in the next press release.
Corporate Dude #2: Okay, let me send you an e-mail with the ideas from the press team. E-mail me back with your thoughts.
*Note that Corporate Dude #2 could’ve just sent the e-mail before the meeting.
Meeting Type F:
This is called an “Actual Meeting” (AM). In AM’s, things actually get accomplished. People talk about ideas, come up with a plan of action, and know what needs to be done.
Example:
Well, there is no example, because very few of these meetings exist in nature. Only a handful of cases have been documented.
*Note that these meetings are extremely rare. Once one occurs, you should realize that another likely won’t happen for about six months or so.
At any rate, when you find yourself in any of these meetings, I recommend playing Buzzword Bingo, as captured in this Dilbert comic that my fiance sent me. 🙂
Happy Friday!
Out of the (Big) Blue 
