How to Make Your Own Marketing Phrases

Ever wonder how Big Business comes up with its marketing campaign names that are just bursting with buzzwords?  You know, the ones that they put at the end of TV commercials and in magazine advertisements that represent the latest corporate trends?  Ever wonder what the heck these phrases mean?

On the surface, these marketing phrases filled with strong action words and many-a-syllable seem very impressive.  However, when you step back and actually think about what these phrases mean, you don’t have a clue.  Well, I’ll let you in on a little inside secret:  it is widely theorized by researchers that these complex phrases mean absolutely nothing.  Top field researchers hypothesize that it’s something Corporate America does to sound intelligent, intimidate customers and competitors alike, and increase bottom line.  It is entirely within the realm of possibility that these phrases could possibly have a point, but Corporate America:  I’m on to you.

So now you might be wondering, “How does Big Business come up with these phrases?”  Well, there are a few widely accepted theories that I’ll share with the general public:

Method #1:

The first step is to get the dictionary of your choice.  Then, join a bunch of suit-clad colleagues in a big, overly air-conditioned grey conference room with lots of refreshments and big cushy leather executive-type chairs.  Then, simply go through the dictionary, point at random words, and string them together into a phrase.

Using this technique, and my trusty Scrabble dictionary, here’s what I came up with:

Randomly Chosen Words:  stable, fixture, organic, verbiage, grasp, linear, piddle, audit

Example Phrases:  Linear Verbiage, Organic Audit, Stable Fixture, Grasping Piddle

See, sounds like your company’s marketing campaign, right?  Maybe soon you’ll be working on advertising for the Organic Audit campaign.

Method #2:

This is a very popular method used by businesses everywhere, and has been widely used ever since the dawn of BS (note that the dawn of BS likely coincided with the birth of Big Business).   Companies often make use of this method on their corporate websites in really big letters on their home page. 

This method helps you make a simple, two-word marketing phrase that is lacking in any semblance of sense.  Just what corporate wants to see.  To make the first word of the phrase, take the comparative or superlative form of  an adjective.  For the second, pick your favorite corporate noun.

Examples:  Best Data, Newest Pipeline, Bigger Efficiencies, Cleaner Agenda

Hey, don’t be surprised if you see on some business site that Generic Company is about to announce its Cleaner Agenda marketing plan.

Method #3:

With this simple, surefire method, you can create a three-word phrase chock full of BS.  For the first word:  pick a coporatey-sounding noun.  The second word:  pick your favorite preposition.  The third word:  pick a businessy verb or noun.

Examples:  Innovation with Initiative,  Power in Action, Dynamics to Drive, Force through Assisting, Enterprise on Search

I could totally see Big Company X launching the Power in Action marketing campaign.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Thanks to one of my colleagues for sending this one over! 🙂

Quippocrite (n.) – This is a newly coined word used to refer to someone who sends an e-mail that is entirely contradictory to the inspirational quote that follows his or her signature.  A synonym for this is insigcere.

Example – You get an e-mail from Ms. Bosswoman where she’s going off on a rant about something inconsequential, and is essentially belittling people.  However, at the bottom of her e-mail, after her signature, you notice an inspirational quote that says something to the effect of “Kindness and respect are the foundations of a good business.”  This person would be a prime example of a quippocrite.

Why am I doing your job?

Ever find yourself doing tasks that you’re pretty sure are not in your job description?  Ever feel like you’re doing someone else’s job for him or her?  Is there some annoying boss, leader or colleague at your company who keeps trying to pawn off work on you?  Does it seem like some people are doing any work at all, because they’re too busy dumping?

Yeah,  it’s all part of the life experience that is your job.  While this type of thing shouldn’t be happening at all, it seems like it occurs at almost every office.  There’s always that one person who likes to dump work on others, and then take the credit for it.  Sometimes, they’re so sneaky about it, you don’t even know when it’s happening.  In situations such as this, refer to this handy guide to get you out of what could be a day devoted to doing some monster project for your team leader while he puts his feet up on his desk and watches videos on YouTube all day.

Are you really busy right now?

This question begins the downward spiral.  Your colleague from down the hall pops her head in and asks what you’re up to.  Never say, “Not much,” or “Nothing” or “I’m not too busy at the moment.”  NEVER.  You’re always busy and don’t think you’ll have a free moment all week.  Even when you’re really not.  The second you indicate that you have even a second ‘s break in your workday, the Pawner will latch on and suck out all of your free time.  You’ll notice that the instant you say “Naw, not too much is happening right now,” the Pawner’s eyes will light up with a sort of twisted glee.  Visions of going on Facebook and long lunches go through their heads, as they prepare to dump piles and piles of work on you…

Could you do me a favor?

A classic move.  The Pawner will seemingly innocently pop her head through your office door and say, “Boy, I’m so swamped today.  Could you help me with something?”  Don’t be a martyr and say, “Sure,” or “What is it?”  You simply can’t let yourself get sucked into this vortex of utter annoyance.  Your response should be, “Oh, I know!  Mr. Bossdude is really loading it on this week!  I’m totally busy too, with my own workload!  My apologies that I can’t help out.”  Even if the only thing you have to do until lunch time is send one e-mail and twiddle your thumbs, you’re busy, got it?  About 99 percent of the time, the Pawner is crying wolf, and actually isn’t maxed out with work…so you have no reason to feel lazy or bad.  Now, the Pawner might also throw in, “If you help me out with this, I’ll definitely have to repay you when you’re bogged down.”  Note:  This will never happen.  Every time you go to the Pawner with the favor, she will say, “Oh, I’m really busy and can’t help today – maybe tomorrow.”

But you’re so good at this!

This is another common excuse used by the Pawner.  When the Pawner strikes with this tactic, he will use some form of flattery, such as “You’re really good at PowerPoint,” or “You’re so much better at this than I am,” to butter you up.  You’re thinking, “Wow, I’m glad people notice what I’m doing around here to contribute.”  But the Pawner is thinking, “Yay, someone to do my work!”  So, your response to this tactic should be, “But I think you’re really talented with this, too,” or “Well, this experience will really help you to gain proficiency.”  And just keep insisting on those points.  Ha, stumps ’em.

I think that’s part of your job, right?

Sometimes, the Pawner likes to play dumb.  The Pawner knows that the huge budget spreadsheet is not part of your job, but pretends not to know that.  If you ever hear someone utter this phrase in regard to offloading work, know that you’re dealing with a Pawner.  When someone says this to you, you simply respond, “No it’s not in my job description.”  Or, “I’m pretty sure that’s part of what you do – maybe you should check with the manager to be sure.”  The second you involve a higher authority in your retort, the Pawner will retreat back to his office in defeat.

The bosses really like to see this sort of thing!

So sometimes, the Pawner mosey on over to your cubicle with grunt work artfully disguised as an “opportunity.”  Always be wary of this wolf in sheep’s clothing.  The Pawner will say, “I have a really high-visibility project for you.  This will really make you look good to the boss!”  So your first thought should be, “If this project is so great and will impress the boss so much, why aren’t you doing it?”  Good question.  Sometimes people are actually nice and give you opportunities, but not a Pawner-type.  If the Pawner drops on by and says this to you, just reply, “Oh, well, you really deserve this opportunity, you’re such an asset to the company.”  Ha, in your face, Pawner.

Ending note:  Be ever vigilant and work defensively – you never know when a Pawner attack will occur!

Corporate Phrase of the Week:

“I feel like I’m giving birth to a new team” – I heard this on some organizational announcement call.  The new manager was just announced as handling both marketing and communications people, thus forming a new team.  Okay, fine.  But then, the new manager said, “I feel like I’m giving birth to a new team.”  Uhhh gross.  That’s really not the kind of visual you want on a conference call – you know, your manager in labor and all.  Especially if it’s a guy… 😛