How to Make Your Own Marketing Phrases

Ever wonder how Big Business comes up with its marketing campaign names that are just bursting with buzzwords?  You know, the ones that they put at the end of TV commercials and in magazine advertisements that represent the latest corporate trends?  Ever wonder what the heck these phrases mean?

On the surface, these marketing phrases filled with strong action words and many-a-syllable seem very impressive.  However, when you step back and actually think about what these phrases mean, you don’t have a clue.  Well, I’ll let you in on a little inside secret:  it is widely theorized by researchers that these complex phrases mean absolutely nothing.  Top field researchers hypothesize that it’s something Corporate America does to sound intelligent, intimidate customers and competitors alike, and increase bottom line.  It is entirely within the realm of possibility that these phrases could possibly have a point, but Corporate America:  I’m on to you.

So now you might be wondering, “How does Big Business come up with these phrases?”  Well, there are a few widely accepted theories that I’ll share with the general public:

Method #1:

The first step is to get the dictionary of your choice.  Then, join a bunch of suit-clad colleagues in a big, overly air-conditioned grey conference room with lots of refreshments and big cushy leather executive-type chairs.  Then, simply go through the dictionary, point at random words, and string them together into a phrase.

Using this technique, and my trusty Scrabble dictionary, here’s what I came up with:

Randomly Chosen Words:  stable, fixture, organic, verbiage, grasp, linear, piddle, audit

Example Phrases:  Linear Verbiage, Organic Audit, Stable Fixture, Grasping Piddle

See, sounds like your company’s marketing campaign, right?  Maybe soon you’ll be working on advertising for the Organic Audit campaign.

Method #2:

This is a very popular method used by businesses everywhere, and has been widely used ever since the dawn of BS (note that the dawn of BS likely coincided with the birth of Big Business).   Companies often make use of this method on their corporate websites in really big letters on their home page. 

This method helps you make a simple, two-word marketing phrase that is lacking in any semblance of sense.  Just what corporate wants to see.  To make the first word of the phrase, take the comparative or superlative form of  an adjective.  For the second, pick your favorite corporate noun.

Examples:  Best Data, Newest Pipeline, Bigger Efficiencies, Cleaner Agenda

Hey, don’t be surprised if you see on some business site that Generic Company is about to announce its Cleaner Agenda marketing plan.

Method #3:

With this simple, surefire method, you can create a three-word phrase chock full of BS.  For the first word:  pick a coporatey-sounding noun.  The second word:  pick your favorite preposition.  The third word:  pick a businessy verb or noun.

Examples:  Innovation with Initiative,  Power in Action, Dynamics to Drive, Force through Assisting, Enterprise on Search

I could totally see Big Company X launching the Power in Action marketing campaign.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Thanks to one of my colleagues for sending this one over! 🙂

Quippocrite (n.) – This is a newly coined word used to refer to someone who sends an e-mail that is entirely contradictory to the inspirational quote that follows his or her signature.  A synonym for this is insigcere.

Example – You get an e-mail from Ms. Bosswoman where she’s going off on a rant about something inconsequential, and is essentially belittling people.  However, at the bottom of her e-mail, after her signature, you notice an inspirational quote that says something to the effect of “Kindness and respect are the foundations of a good business.”  This person would be a prime example of a quippocrite.