How to Make Your Own “Conference Phrases”

So you’re on a late afternoon conference call, and some guy is presenting a slide deck surrounding the upcoming launch of Product X.  Not only is the PowerPoint deck loaded with all sorts of uppity, businessy words, but the guy is confidently spewing all sorts of phrases that sound impressive, but upon closer inspection, are totally ludicrous and irrelevant.  However, everyone else seems to think he’s making sense, and is regurgitating all sorts of other equally lame phrases right back. 

Now, these aren’t your normal, everyday metaphors and cliches that you’d use in casual conversation with friends (well, without getting laughed at) – these are Conference Phrases, and are an integral part of the work vernacular.

So you’re probably wondering how the heck people come up with these borderline nutcase phrases – is there some sort of training that you missed?  Is there a formal guidebook explaining how you should talk in the office?  Well, no.  But that’s why I’m here – to show you how you, too, can have your own arsenal of meaningless phrases to use in your next meeting.

Let’s get started:

In my extensive experience that I’ve gained by attending way too many meetings per week, I’ve noticed that many Conference Phrases follow similar formats.

Format #1:

We’ve got to (verb) this (noun) to the (noun).

This standard metaphor format is typically used when indicating urgency – i.e., getting a project done asap, quickly gathering materials for the announcement, etc.  Note that the more grand and unrelated the metaphor, the more you impress your coworkers.

Example:

We’ve got to ride this horse to the finish on this announcement.

We’ve got to drive this golf cart to the tee and get the project done.

We’ve got to bring our appetites to the dinner party and make the most of this product.

We’ve got to take this shuttle to Mars and really pull out this press release.

Format #2:

We really need to (verb) a (noun).

This other type of metaphor format is typically used by bosses when attempting to energize the team with what they think is a strong , philosophical, intelligent-sounding phrase.

Example:

We really need to drive a cadence.

We really need to pick the fruit.

We really need to eat the leftovers.

We really need to start the next World War.

Format #3:

This is as (adjective) as (noun).

This is a classic simile…work style!  Instead of comparing things that actually make sense, you equate projects and products to grandiose events and things that are kind of a stretch.

Example:

This product is as huge as the Grand Canyon.

This announcement is as crucial as world peace.

This project is as important as the Queen of England.

This release is as hot as your mom.

Hopefully these tips will really help you pull out the big guns on your next conference call, impress the boss, and win you the awe and admiration of your colleagues.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Upliftment (n.) – A BS word that strangely reminds me of the existing word uplifting.  Hmm perhaps they have the same definition?

Example – The upliftment of the purchase order will help us secure budget funds going into Q3.

What’s your job title?

So, in my experience with Corporate America, I’ve noticed that people have a lot of interesting job titles.  Some are confusing, some aren’t really true, and some just plain ol’ don’t make sense.  And, in case you were wondering, yes, this makes it very difficult to know what the people down the hall actually do for their careers. 

Experts in the field theorize that the reason for all of these BS titles is that Corporate America wants to confuse outsiders into taking it seriously, and wants to give its employees a false sense of ego inflation by doling out titles that sound impressive. 

In my experience, I’ve noticed that people’s BS titles typically fall into one of three categories, which I’ve outlined here for education purposes:

Um, could you explain what that means?

This is one of the most common buckets that BS job titles fall into.  Almost every day, either in e-mail signatures or in the company directory, I come across career titles that are basically meaningless to anyone outside the company. 

I won’t mention anyone’s actual title here, but it seem that some corporate titles are just a big bundle of ambiguity, like, “Initiatives Director,”  “Key Innovations Specialist,”  “Dynamic-Driven Consultant,” and “Manager of Directives.”  What does that actually mean?  Titles like this are so vague and convoluted that it’s almost always impossible to tell what the person does for a living. 

Note that you can make up your own BS, yet impressive-sounding job title simply by stringing a bunch of your fave corporate words together. 

How many vice presidents do we need?

This comprises yet another category of confusing job titles.  When I first started my job with Big Business, I was a bit perplexed.  It seemed that there were approximately 251 vice presidents for each area of the business.  This led me to think, “Why do we need that many?”  “Isn’t there usually only one?”  I mean, there aren’t multiple vice presidents of the United States.  There wasn’t more than one class vice president in school. 

This raises many a question in one’s mind.  Why are there so many vice presidents at work?  And if they’re all vice presidents, then who’s the president?  Is the CEO considered the president?  Is it the brand manager?  If something happens to the CEO, do all of the vice presidents assume his or her responsibilities?  And where exactly does the senior vice president come into play?  And why are there multiple SVP’s, too?  Can there be multiple CEO’s?  Can I be CEO?

Confusing, man.

But you’re not really a manager…

Here’s another confusing category of job titles.  I noticed when I first started in Corporate America that everybody has “manager” in his or her job description.  So, naturally, I assumed that these people were all manager-level employees, like my boss…aka, my manager.  So, come to find out, these people are managers only in the sense that they technically “manage” their own work , in that they complete it sometimes (and yes, in case you were wondering, I have the word “manager” in my job title :-P).

So does that mean I can call myself an executive because I “execute” my work projects?  Or am I a director because I can “direct” myself to work?

Hmm…

Corporate Word of the Week:

Choiceful (adj.) – This word appeared in a recent e-mail that I received about using the correct words in the branding of a new product release.  I believe the sentence was something like, “We need to be choiceful with our wording surrounding this launch.”  Um, I have news for you:  You need to be choiceful with your wording because choiceful isn’t a word.  Ha.

How to Make Your Own Marketing Phrases

Ever wonder how Big Business comes up with its marketing campaign names that are just bursting with buzzwords?  You know, the ones that they put at the end of TV commercials and in magazine advertisements that represent the latest corporate trends?  Ever wonder what the heck these phrases mean?

On the surface, these marketing phrases filled with strong action words and many-a-syllable seem very impressive.  However, when you step back and actually think about what these phrases mean, you don’t have a clue.  Well, I’ll let you in on a little inside secret:  it is widely theorized by researchers that these complex phrases mean absolutely nothing.  Top field researchers hypothesize that it’s something Corporate America does to sound intelligent, intimidate customers and competitors alike, and increase bottom line.  It is entirely within the realm of possibility that these phrases could possibly have a point, but Corporate America:  I’m on to you.

So now you might be wondering, “How does Big Business come up with these phrases?”  Well, there are a few widely accepted theories that I’ll share with the general public:

Method #1:

The first step is to get the dictionary of your choice.  Then, join a bunch of suit-clad colleagues in a big, overly air-conditioned grey conference room with lots of refreshments and big cushy leather executive-type chairs.  Then, simply go through the dictionary, point at random words, and string them together into a phrase.

Using this technique, and my trusty Scrabble dictionary, here’s what I came up with:

Randomly Chosen Words:  stable, fixture, organic, verbiage, grasp, linear, piddle, audit

Example Phrases:  Linear Verbiage, Organic Audit, Stable Fixture, Grasping Piddle

See, sounds like your company’s marketing campaign, right?  Maybe soon you’ll be working on advertising for the Organic Audit campaign.

Method #2:

This is a very popular method used by businesses everywhere, and has been widely used ever since the dawn of BS (note that the dawn of BS likely coincided with the birth of Big Business).   Companies often make use of this method on their corporate websites in really big letters on their home page. 

This method helps you make a simple, two-word marketing phrase that is lacking in any semblance of sense.  Just what corporate wants to see.  To make the first word of the phrase, take the comparative or superlative form of  an adjective.  For the second, pick your favorite corporate noun.

Examples:  Best Data, Newest Pipeline, Bigger Efficiencies, Cleaner Agenda

Hey, don’t be surprised if you see on some business site that Generic Company is about to announce its Cleaner Agenda marketing plan.

Method #3:

With this simple, surefire method, you can create a three-word phrase chock full of BS.  For the first word:  pick a coporatey-sounding noun.  The second word:  pick your favorite preposition.  The third word:  pick a businessy verb or noun.

Examples:  Innovation with Initiative,  Power in Action, Dynamics to Drive, Force through Assisting, Enterprise on Search

I could totally see Big Company X launching the Power in Action marketing campaign.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Thanks to one of my colleagues for sending this one over! 🙂

Quippocrite (n.) – This is a newly coined word used to refer to someone who sends an e-mail that is entirely contradictory to the inspirational quote that follows his or her signature.  A synonym for this is insigcere.

Example – You get an e-mail from Ms. Bosswoman where she’s going off on a rant about something inconsequential, and is essentially belittling people.  However, at the bottom of her e-mail, after her signature, you notice an inspirational quote that says something to the effect of “Kindness and respect are the foundations of a good business.”  This person would be a prime example of a quippocrite.

Is it 5:00 yet?

It’s 2:00 p.m. on a Tuesday – lunch is an hour behind you, and the end of the day is still 3 hours away.  You’ve just finished up all of your work, your boss is on vacation and your boss’ boss is at Some Company Conference.  Translation:  you’re bored, you’re out of work to do, and no one is around to give you more work to keep you entertained.  Of course, you can’t just leave – it would be awesome if you could, but that would come across as, well, lazy and unprofessional.  And you don’t want to give that impression.  So what do you do for the rest of the day?  How do you give off the illusion that you’re doing work to your colleagues in the surrounding cubicles, without actually doing any?

Here are a few pointers:  (*Disclaimer:  Note that this is only recommended if you have absolutely nothing to do, and have exhausted all other ways to possibly find more work for yourself.  In other words, I’m not condoning being a lazy bum.  Also note that I don’t personally do any of these things, but they’re funny in theory. :-P)

Go on some sort of social networking site:

So you probably have at least one social networking account, be it on Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, etc.  So if your company hasn’t blocked those pages, totally go on one of those sites.  Update your profile, change your picture, maybe play a little Scrabble on that Facebook app you downloaded.  You might be thinking, “What if Nosy Coworker walks by and sees what I’m doing?”  Never fear – you just tell them that you’re researching ways for your company to get involved in the Web 2.0 space.  What if you’re in the middle of playing a game, or taking a quiz on a Facebook or MySpace app?  Then you simply explain that you’re looking into creating a social marketing application for your company.  There’s no way to prove that you’re not doing that…it’s pure genius.

Go to the bathroom:

Okay, so you’re probably thinking that this doesn’t waste too much time.  There’s where you’re wrong – it has loads of time-killing potential.  So you saunter down the rows of offices to the bathroom, go in and just hang for a while.  Maybe pull out your phone and start texting some friends for happy hour plans.  Take out your iPod and listen to a few songs.  This can shave anywhere from 10-20 minutes off your work day.  You might wonder, “Will people get suspicious?”  Maybe if you do that all the time.  But if you take a Long Bathroom Visit about once or twice per week, no one will be the wiser.  And why?  Because no one ever wants to know about the business you were conducting in the bathroom.  Pun intended.

Make a trip to the vending machine:

This is one of the most classic ways to waste time.  Now when you do this, make sure you choose the vending machine that is furthest away from your office, preferably even in another building.  No one will catch on, because you merely state that the vending machine close to you never has the food/soda you like the best, and/or is broken.  So then you get to the vending machine, purposely not having brought enough change, or no bill lower than a $20.  So then you have to go to the change machine – which is near the cafeteria in that other building.  So you go there.  Then you finally get some sort of sustenance – whether or not you’re actually hungry.  This is guaranteed to take up about 15 minutes – not too little time, and not too much to make coworkers wonder.  And to waste even more time, and to be the most popular worker in your row of cubicles – ask everyone around you if they want you to get them a snack, too.

Get one of those tabletop games:

Go to any toy store, and you’re sure to find an assortment of mini tabletop games, including such classics as finger bowling, mini billiards, tiny golf sets, etc.  You should totally pick one of these up for the office.  When your coworkers think you’re wasting time by trying to get a 300 game in finger bowling, just explain to them that you’re merely relieving the stress caused by that 8:30 a.m. budget meeting.  They’ll understand.  Other related options include buying a Zen garden (you know, the little sandbox things with the bonsai trees and the little rake?) or a mini Etch-a-Sketch or something.

Count the tiles on your office ceiling:

This is a last resort, but it gets the job done.  Just lean way back in your chair, put your feet on your desk and look at the ceiling.  Again, when asked what you are doing, say that you are relieving stress.  Works every time.

So hopefully now, you’re a little less bored, and a little bit closer to the golden hour that is 5:00 p.m.  Glad I could be of service.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

Impactful (v.) – I recently heard this one on some long conference call with the obligatory 65 accompanying PowerPoint slides.  When I heard this, I totally didn’t think it was a word.  Thus, I went to Google to confirm.  And, as thought, impactful is not a word, but rather, a made-up word that people use in the corporate setting to sound more intelligent.  Gag.

ex. – Now, let’s discuss the key plays that are most impactful on the business’ bottom line.

The Different Types of Work Days: Vol. II

As promised, here is the anxiously awaited volume II of the Different Types of Work Days Handbook.  You’ll notice that, in this installment, in addition to the more annoying types of work days that we all encounter, there are a couple of enjoyable days thrown in, as well.  It’s shocking that enjoyable work days exist, I know.  Almost seems like sort of a paradox…

Hardly Anything, then Lots to Finish (HALF):

HALF days are so titled because they are split between a morning of absolutely nothing to do, and an afternoon of “oh-crap-how-am-I-going-to-get-this-done-before-the-day-is-over?”  What, did you think it was called a half day because you actually get to leave early?  Ha.  On a HALF day, you come in at 9 and realize that no work has materialized since leaving at 5 the previous day.  A common HALF day goes as follows:  you sit at your desk, you eat your granola bar, you have five cups of coffee, you organize your e-mail into folders and sub-folders and sub-sub-folders, you sit, you rearrange your desk, you sit, you go to the bathroom (twice, due to all the coffee), you sit, you make your rounds of the other cubicles and bother your coworkers who actually have work to do, you sit, and then finally, after three hours that just passed in the time of about five hours, it’s noon.  You eat your lunch slowly, and prepare yourself for an STD (Slow, Toturous Day, as defined in vol. I).  However, once the clock strikes 2, a workplace phenomenon occurs:  your inbox is suddenly inundated with a barrage of e-mails coming in at lightning speed, and, at least a dozen of the received e-mails have to-do items, coming from upper management, due by the end of the day.  Your heart races from the previously chugged five cups of coffee, and suddenly, you switch into DAMN mode (Doing A lot of Meaningless Nothing, also outlined in vol. I), typing e-mails at never-before-charted speeds, making a 50-slide PowerPoint deck in under 20 minutes, and writing a five-page article in a half hour.  By the end of the day, you’ve crashed from your caffeine high, and make the evening commute in a daze.

*Note:  HALF days are known to creep up on you at any point during the week.  Be prepared!

Endless Work, then Waiting and Waiting and Waiting… (EWWWW):

EWWWW’s are pretty similar to HALF days.  However, the key difference is that an EWWWW starts with a ton of work, and ends with a ton of nothing, rather than vice versa.  On a typical EWWWW, you have about five unfinished assignments that you just couldn’t finish the day before, and that need to be completed for that big budget meeting with the boss times three (your boss’ boss’ boss’) at 1 p.m.  So you work and work and work, surviving on the fumes of coffee wafting in from the neighboring offices…since you didn’t have enough time to get your own cup because you’ve been working non-stop since you came in early at 8 a.m.  After you put the finishing touches on your 500 line budget spreadsheet at 12:58 and send it off for the 1 p.m. meeting, you breathe a gargantuan sigh of relief.  You can eat lunch, and start to relax.  However, the second you finish the last bite of your turkey on wheat – thus marking the end of lunch – time does something curious and unexplained:  it slooooooows down (many o’s = slows down a lot).  Now, during this post-lunch slump, the only e-mails you’re receiving are those annoying marketing newsletters from all those sites you bookmarked to impress your boss.  And even those are coming in at the snail-fast speed of about one every hour-and-a-half.  And that’s when you realize it:  you’re day has been put into slow motion until your computer clock reads 5:00 p.m., and there’s nothing you can say but EWWW.

*Note:  EWWW’s occur in about the same timeframe as HALF days.  Meaning, always be on the lookout for an EWWW coming your way…

Long Lunch Day:

I promised you that there are actually some fun work days in existence.  This day pretty much speaks for itself:  you come to the office, and realize that it’s the boss’ birthday (of course, she’s turning 30…again), or that a coworker is retiring.  Thus, such events can only mean one thing:  double L (Long Lunch)!  This changes the dynamic of your whole day – you were originally going to mosey down to the cafeteria during the designated lunch period of 12-12:30, but now everything is different, all thanks to Ms. Bosslady’s birthday (it’s a given that she goes by “Ms.”), or to That Guy Who’s Retiring.  At 11 o’clock, everyone leaves to go to that quaint Italian restaurant that’s about 20 minutes away.  There are about 15 people from the office at lunch, so naturally, it takes quite a while for everyone to order and eat.  It’s 1 o’clock, and you gleefully realize that you’ve been at lunch for 2 hours.  And the best part?  It’s all on the Corporate Card.

*Note:  Double L’s typically happen on the closest Friday to the important occasion.  If the birthday is on a Wednesday, you go to LL that Friday.  If the person announces retirement on a Thursday, you go to LL the next day.  You get the picture.

“Fridays:”

Notice the quotes around “Friday.”  That’s because a Friday doesn’t always have to happen on a Friday.  Let me explain – Fridays are typically characterized by a lax schedule, a longer-than-usual lunch, a fast-moving day, and leaving early.  But this doesn’t always have to happen at the end of the work week!  Occasionally, there are those rare moments when it’s Tuesday, the day goes by faster than it typically does, and you finish all of your work by 4:30!  Or, sometimes, there are those days when you’re pretty much done, and the boss has to leave at 4 for an appointment, thus leaving no authority figure to monitor whether or not you’re actually working.  I mean, if you’re pretty much done, and it’s basically the end of the day, and he’s never going to find out…

*Note:  Yes, “Fridays” usually do happen on Friday.  However, about once or twice per month, they come into rotation on another day of the week.

Vacation Days (VD):

This is a VD that you want to have!  Obviously, these are the best of all days.  Why?  Because you’re not working and you’re getting paid.  Enough said.

*Note:  VD’s usually happen around the holidays, during the summer, or around the time of spring break.  Hahaha, take that out of context. 😛

Your company makes what?

So when I heard about an internship opening at IBM, I thought to myself, “But I don’t know anything about computers!”

Yeah, so come to find out, IBM hasn’t made computers for a few years now…they’re big in the database and tech services market (not that I know anything about those areas, either, but that’s beside the point).  And ‘big’ meaning one of the biggest companies in the market.

I know it’s not just me who had this thought – a lot of my friends and coworkers have this incorrect notion, as well.  In fact, just recently, I overheard someone in my office building call IBM “the greatest computer company in the world.”  So yeah, like I said, it’s not just me.

So why do people still think that IBM makes computers?  Well, the company used to…up until 2005.  That’s only three years ago, but then again, that’s three years of people thinking that IBM still makes computers.  I think a large part of it is that people don’t really know what the heck the company makes these days.  People remember the 1990’s commercials for the Aptiva and other such computers, and have thus continued to associate IBM with computers.

So how can a company get away from an incorrect association?  Well, I don’t remember seeing an IBM commercial since the 1990’s, for example.  Granted, you don’t usually see commercials for databases and tech services, and I’m obviously not the target audience for such commercials, but I’m assuming that tech people interested in their businesses’ IT infrastructures watch TV, too.  I’ve seen commercials for SAP tech solutions, so why not for IBM?  And it could be as simple as having a funny commercial or YouTube video that says “No, we don’t make computers.  But we do make IT solutions for your company.”  Or something to that effect, anyway.

Also, maybe IBM and other companies in the same predicament don’t realize that a lot of people don’t know what they make.  I mean, when you’re within the company, you obviously have somewhat of an idea of what your company makes.  Hopefully.  However, this can result in marketing internally, meaning that your advertising and marketing only reaches those within your company and your existing customers, rather than potential new customers.

Corporate Word of the Week:

operationalizing (v.) – A fancy-sounding word that essentially means something to the effect of ‘operating.’

ex. – We need to be better operationalizing this process in order to make customers aware of the product’s features.