What’s your job title?

So, in my experience with Corporate America, I’ve noticed that people have a lot of interesting job titles.  Some are confusing, some aren’t really true, and some just plain ol’ don’t make sense.  And, in case you were wondering, yes, this makes it very difficult to know what the people down the hall actually do for their careers. 

Experts in the field theorize that the reason for all of these BS titles is that Corporate America wants to confuse outsiders into taking it seriously, and wants to give its employees a false sense of ego inflation by doling out titles that sound impressive. 

In my experience, I’ve noticed that people’s BS titles typically fall into one of three categories, which I’ve outlined here for education purposes:

Um, could you explain what that means?

This is one of the most common buckets that BS job titles fall into.  Almost every day, either in e-mail signatures or in the company directory, I come across career titles that are basically meaningless to anyone outside the company. 

I won’t mention anyone’s actual title here, but it seem that some corporate titles are just a big bundle of ambiguity, like, “Initiatives Director,”  “Key Innovations Specialist,”  “Dynamic-Driven Consultant,” and “Manager of Directives.”  What does that actually mean?  Titles like this are so vague and convoluted that it’s almost always impossible to tell what the person does for a living. 

Note that you can make up your own BS, yet impressive-sounding job title simply by stringing a bunch of your fave corporate words together. 

How many vice presidents do we need?

This comprises yet another category of confusing job titles.  When I first started my job with Big Business, I was a bit perplexed.  It seemed that there were approximately 251 vice presidents for each area of the business.  This led me to think, “Why do we need that many?”  “Isn’t there usually only one?”  I mean, there aren’t multiple vice presidents of the United States.  There wasn’t more than one class vice president in school. 

This raises many a question in one’s mind.  Why are there so many vice presidents at work?  And if they’re all vice presidents, then who’s the president?  Is the CEO considered the president?  Is it the brand manager?  If something happens to the CEO, do all of the vice presidents assume his or her responsibilities?  And where exactly does the senior vice president come into play?  And why are there multiple SVP’s, too?  Can there be multiple CEO’s?  Can I be CEO?

Confusing, man.

But you’re not really a manager…

Here’s another confusing category of job titles.  I noticed when I first started in Corporate America that everybody has “manager” in his or her job description.  So, naturally, I assumed that these people were all manager-level employees, like my boss…aka, my manager.  So, come to find out, these people are managers only in the sense that they technically “manage” their own work , in that they complete it sometimes (and yes, in case you were wondering, I have the word “manager” in my job title :-P).

So does that mean I can call myself an executive because I “execute” my work projects?  Or am I a director because I can “direct” myself to work?

Hmm…

Corporate Word of the Week:

Choiceful (adj.) – This word appeared in a recent e-mail that I received about using the correct words in the branding of a new product release.  I believe the sentence was something like, “We need to be choiceful with our wording surrounding this launch.”  Um, I have news for you:  You need to be choiceful with your wording because choiceful isn’t a word.  Ha.

How to Make Your Own Marketing Phrases

Ever wonder how Big Business comes up with its marketing campaign names that are just bursting with buzzwords?  You know, the ones that they put at the end of TV commercials and in magazine advertisements that represent the latest corporate trends?  Ever wonder what the heck these phrases mean?

On the surface, these marketing phrases filled with strong action words and many-a-syllable seem very impressive.  However, when you step back and actually think about what these phrases mean, you don’t have a clue.  Well, I’ll let you in on a little inside secret:  it is widely theorized by researchers that these complex phrases mean absolutely nothing.  Top field researchers hypothesize that it’s something Corporate America does to sound intelligent, intimidate customers and competitors alike, and increase bottom line.  It is entirely within the realm of possibility that these phrases could possibly have a point, but Corporate America:  I’m on to you.

So now you might be wondering, “How does Big Business come up with these phrases?”  Well, there are a few widely accepted theories that I’ll share with the general public:

Method #1:

The first step is to get the dictionary of your choice.  Then, join a bunch of suit-clad colleagues in a big, overly air-conditioned grey conference room with lots of refreshments and big cushy leather executive-type chairs.  Then, simply go through the dictionary, point at random words, and string them together into a phrase.

Using this technique, and my trusty Scrabble dictionary, here’s what I came up with:

Randomly Chosen Words:  stable, fixture, organic, verbiage, grasp, linear, piddle, audit

Example Phrases:  Linear Verbiage, Organic Audit, Stable Fixture, Grasping Piddle

See, sounds like your company’s marketing campaign, right?  Maybe soon you’ll be working on advertising for the Organic Audit campaign.

Method #2:

This is a very popular method used by businesses everywhere, and has been widely used ever since the dawn of BS (note that the dawn of BS likely coincided with the birth of Big Business).   Companies often make use of this method on their corporate websites in really big letters on their home page. 

This method helps you make a simple, two-word marketing phrase that is lacking in any semblance of sense.  Just what corporate wants to see.  To make the first word of the phrase, take the comparative or superlative form of  an adjective.  For the second, pick your favorite corporate noun.

Examples:  Best Data, Newest Pipeline, Bigger Efficiencies, Cleaner Agenda

Hey, don’t be surprised if you see on some business site that Generic Company is about to announce its Cleaner Agenda marketing plan.

Method #3:

With this simple, surefire method, you can create a three-word phrase chock full of BS.  For the first word:  pick a coporatey-sounding noun.  The second word:  pick your favorite preposition.  The third word:  pick a businessy verb or noun.

Examples:  Innovation with Initiative,  Power in Action, Dynamics to Drive, Force through Assisting, Enterprise on Search

I could totally see Big Company X launching the Power in Action marketing campaign.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Thanks to one of my colleagues for sending this one over! 🙂

Quippocrite (n.) – This is a newly coined word used to refer to someone who sends an e-mail that is entirely contradictory to the inspirational quote that follows his or her signature.  A synonym for this is insigcere.

Example – You get an e-mail from Ms. Bosswoman where she’s going off on a rant about something inconsequential, and is essentially belittling people.  However, at the bottom of her e-mail, after her signature, you notice an inspirational quote that says something to the effect of “Kindness and respect are the foundations of a good business.”  This person would be a prime example of a quippocrite.

How to Get Your Boss to Lay off the Layoffs

We’ve got some seriously trying economic times upon us right now, and it seems that all of Corporate America is  atwitter talking about layoffs and reorganizations of management and all of that fun stuff that translates into you not having a job.  Even here at IBM.  Eek.

You think your job is secure – you’re a great contributor, you’re always on time, and you get your work done quickly and efficiently.  However, one day, your boss makes a trip down to your office and gives you the gut-wrenching news that you’ve been laid off.  In the case of such an event occurring, I give you a number of options for what you can do.  Note that I tend to lay on the sarcasm and dry humor quite thickly… 😉

Blame:

Blame your performance on the project leader, or on one of your coworkers.  Mention that the team leader hasn’t been effective enough, or encouraging enough.  Say that if your coworkers were more productive, then you wouldn’t be in this position.  Get your boss to focus on someone else.  Hopefully he or she will be so busy thinking about all these people responsible for your getting fired, that the boss won’t even remember to fire you.

Rat out Others:

Another option is to suggest other people on your team to be fired instead of you.  You know that Joe on the team called in sick last week when he wasn’t really sick.  Cindy always comes in late, and leaves early.  You’re pretty sure that Jack hasn’t done jack to help boost company sales.  So, why should you get fired when there are at least a dozen more worthy candidates than you?  Suggest these other fireable people to the boss.  Maybe supplement your ideas with a PowerPoint presentation (with many fun pictures and clip-art graphics), and perhaps with a handy color-coded spreadsheet.  This should help your boss to see the error in his/her decision to fire you.

Playing the Guilt Card:

Your boss is telling you that you’re about to be fired.  You feel helpless, demeaned, useless, and afraid.  but don’t worry:  you still have the guilt card to play!  Tug on the boss’ heartstrings:  ask him if he remembers the time you covered for him when he wasn’t at that budget meeting because he wanted to spend an extra day on vacation in the Bahamas.  Ask her if she remembers that time you made that amazing slide deck for the Q1 marketing plans when she didn’t feel like doing it.  Mention how the company is your life, and how you’d absolutely die if you couldn’t come to the office every day and contribute to Company X’s year-to-year growth.  By the time you’re done, the boss will probably be teary-eyed, and will offer to be laid off instead of you.  Or, your boss will at least send a severance gift basket of sorts.

Throw in Some Personal Info:

Don’t be afraid to throw in some personal problems to build your case.  Mention that you just found out that your son needs braces.  Express your fears that your house will be a victim of foreclosure.  Show your grief that you don’t know how you’ll take care of your old, ailing mother.  Feel free to stretch the truth a bit.  Embellish by throwing in the fact that a family member might have some disease, and by freaking out at the fact that you could soon be living on the streets.  This will help to cement how truly un-fireable you are.

Threaten to Sue:

This option is truly a classic.  When talking with your boss, throw in some frightening, ominous words and phrases like “discrimination,” “favoritism,” and “unequal pay.”  Say that you’re pretty sure that your coworker of the opposite sex has been approached for more important assignments than you’ve been asked to do.  Mention that you’re pretty sure that Bob on the team gets more pay than you for doing the same work with the same experience.  Again, add in some fluff.  Speculate.  Nothing scares Big Business more than the word “lawsuit.”  After all, let’s not forget that suing is the American Way.

Of course, if none of this works, then your final option is to apply for other jobs, try your best to cut back on personal expenses, and to hope for the best.  Hopefully being laid off is a predicament that both you and I won’t be facing personally.  But, if you find yourself in that situation, remember that you have my “expert” help here in this blog post, as well as your own marketable skills and talent.  Moreso the latter.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

performant (adj.) – A business word typically used when one means “high-performance,” or “top-performing.”  Note that this word does not actually exist.

ex. – These software products are the performant technologies for the overarching brand.

Publications: Which Is Better – Online or Print?

Today, it seems as if publications are split between appearing online, and in print.  But which is better?  Should a company embrace both of these options?

Online-only publications seems to work best when there is a short amount of information to read and digest – only a few paragraphs and some links, at most.  Computers are breeding grounds for distractions and almost seem to encourage all of us to develop ADD-like behavior, so less is certainly more in this case.

However, If your company publishes a full-length magazine complete with ads and photos, as a consumer of information, I’d caution against having an online-only version of your publication.  It’s hard to digest text-heavy pieces when reading them on a computer – it strains your eyes, and I often find myself visiting about five other websites while I’m reading.  If it’s feasible and affordable for your company to have an online publication in addition to a print version, then that’s awesome – this will maximize the number of places where readers can access information.  Having the publication both online and in print also works out well when you want to access past issues of a magazine – going through online archives is much easier than sifting through hard copies.

I personally find that full-length magazines with longer articles and a good number of pages are much more enjoyable in print version.  I like flipping through a magazine while sitting on the couch, at work, or on a trip.  One thing I especially like is when companies offer an online supplement to their print publications.  For example, my Martha Stewart Weddings magazine (don’t laugh at me) directs readers to go online for more pictures and ideas for flowers, cakes, favors, etc.  This doesn’t take the place of the print version, but rather, enhances it, and offers readers more info should they want it.  This actually makes me want to go online and see what they’re talking about (and, I actually do just that).

Corporate Word of the Week:

Siloed (adj.) – A fake word that people use to refer to data that isn’t stored in one place, but rather, in many locations.  Note that the word “silo” really can’t be used as anything other than a noun.

ex. – The company’s information was siloed, making it difficult to access.

There’s a social network for THAT?!

In this era of social networks, headed by sites such as Facebook and MySpace, it seems as if there’s a network for, well, everything.  I’ve seen ads for social communities surrounding everything from horses to weddings to wine and beyond.  But this seems like a good way to get your company involved with Web 2.0, right?  Umm, maybe not. 

To me, this raises some questions: 

Do some things really need social networks?  The answer to this is a resounding “no.”  For example, the leader of the social marketing team I’m on mentioned this community for cat litter.  Now seriously, why does cat litter need a social community?!  I definitely don’t think it does.  I mean, is this cat litter that great that people are dying to join the community and participate in discussions about this and watch kitty-litter-related videos?  I think you can answer that.  I would suggest making this group more general – people would definitely join a social community about cats…and maybe the cat litter company could sponsor the site and offer coupons or something.  Think about whether or not your company’s product would benefit from having a social network surrounding it:  Would this draw new customers?  Would this reinforce positive feelings in current consumers?  Would this just be a huge waste of time and money?

Should you just use an existing site such as Facebook or MySpace?  In most cases, I would say “yes, it would make sense to just create a group or a page off of Facebook or MySpace.”  For example, maybe the kitty litter people could’ve just created a Facebook group for free rather than wasting money on creating a page for their own network.  Millions of people are already members of Facebook and MySpace, and might be interested in becoming fans of your product, so this is always a good resource to tap.  The Facebook-MySpace realm is also a good place to test out whether or not it would make sense to create a separate social network site for your company or its product – if you get a ton of people to join your group, then maybe it would make sense to have your own site specifically devoted to this.

Is this market overly saturated?  It sure seems that way.  I think this cat litter site marks the exact point where social networks outside of the mainstream jumped the shark, so to speak.  There’s another reason right there to shy away from making your own social network – with way too much out there, it makes your social network more difficult to search for and find.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Viralize (v.) – A verb meaning “to make viral.”  Note that this is not an actual word and makes it seem like you’re trying too hard to sound smart.

ex. – Let’s use YouTube to try and viralize the new corporate video.

Your company makes what?

So when I heard about an internship opening at IBM, I thought to myself, “But I don’t know anything about computers!”

Yeah, so come to find out, IBM hasn’t made computers for a few years now…they’re big in the database and tech services market (not that I know anything about those areas, either, but that’s beside the point).  And ‘big’ meaning one of the biggest companies in the market.

I know it’s not just me who had this thought – a lot of my friends and coworkers have this incorrect notion, as well.  In fact, just recently, I overheard someone in my office building call IBM “the greatest computer company in the world.”  So yeah, like I said, it’s not just me.

So why do people still think that IBM makes computers?  Well, the company used to…up until 2005.  That’s only three years ago, but then again, that’s three years of people thinking that IBM still makes computers.  I think a large part of it is that people don’t really know what the heck the company makes these days.  People remember the 1990’s commercials for the Aptiva and other such computers, and have thus continued to associate IBM with computers.

So how can a company get away from an incorrect association?  Well, I don’t remember seeing an IBM commercial since the 1990’s, for example.  Granted, you don’t usually see commercials for databases and tech services, and I’m obviously not the target audience for such commercials, but I’m assuming that tech people interested in their businesses’ IT infrastructures watch TV, too.  I’ve seen commercials for SAP tech solutions, so why not for IBM?  And it could be as simple as having a funny commercial or YouTube video that says “No, we don’t make computers.  But we do make IT solutions for your company.”  Or something to that effect, anyway.

Also, maybe IBM and other companies in the same predicament don’t realize that a lot of people don’t know what they make.  I mean, when you’re within the company, you obviously have somewhat of an idea of what your company makes.  Hopefully.  However, this can result in marketing internally, meaning that your advertising and marketing only reaches those within your company and your existing customers, rather than potential new customers.

Corporate Word of the Week:

operationalizing (v.) – A fancy-sounding word that essentially means something to the effect of ‘operating.’

ex. – We need to be better operationalizing this process in order to make customers aware of the product’s features.

Iiiiit’s Friday!

So as I’m sitting here in my windowless, climate-controlled office, finishing up my work for the week, and longing to be outside enjoying the beauty of a mid-August day…

I think a nice Friday blog post is in order.

Soooo just for fun…

Ever notice how corporate presentations, press releases, and charts seem to contain endless amounts of fluff?  Has it gotten to the point where every single thing your company releases sounds exactly the same?  Then go to this site and check out the corporate BS generator and get a good laugh!

And along these same lines – if your daily work calendar is dominated by a bunch of conference calls and meetings in which people use a lot of the same corporate words that have long lost all of their meaning, then check out Buzzword Bingo, and play while listening to your next conference call, or when sitting in a meeting pretending to take notes.

Does anyone remember Mad Libs?  If you’re not familiar with them, check Wikipedia for the definition.  I know that personally, I remember many an elementary and middle school weekend spent having sleepovers and giggling while doing Mad Libs and playing Truth or Dare.  Well, as proof of how much work has consumed my life, my fiance and I thought it would be fun to go out and buy a Mad Libs booklet, then fill in all of the blanks with work-related words.  It proved to be pretty hilarious, especially with glasses of wine involved.

Happy Friday!

True or False: Social Networking Is Only for Young People

Just a short time ago, Facebook was only open to college students.  YouTube was dominated by amateur videos shot by the adolescent set, oftentimes featuring lots of drunken antics and falling down.  MySpace had this sleazy, creepy vibe (wait, that’s still true…).  But now, these sites are broadening their horizons, embracing businesses, and those older than college-age.  However, all too many people are still convinced that these sites are for the younger crowd.

False!

This is Web 2.0 – this is the new face of technology (well, until some crazy Web 3.0 technology thing comes along).  This is where the people are – and, if you’re talking business, this is where your audience is.  Social networking sites are among the most highly-trafficked sites out there – and in fact, more than half of Facebook’s 80 million users are out of college.  So if you’re thinking that the social networking space is lost on Big Business, well, you’d be wrong.

For some reason, I’ve noticed that people from other generations are afraid to embrace this new web trend, and are afraid they can’t catch on.  Just so you know, there was a time when even Generation Y wasn’t habitually logging on to Facebook and YouTube – and that was only a few years ago.  I would never describe myself as a tech person (yes, I know I work at IBM), and even I’ve been able to catch on.  Seriously, just go with it.  You might even have some fun while you’re at it.

I guess the main issue with this is that older generations don’t know how to market with Web 2.0.  Well, honestly, it’s not too different from traditional marketing.  You can post news about events and incentives on Facebook, and create a group surrounding your company’s product.  You can post a new video on YouTube to get it more visibility.  And, as always, consumers still like incentives and value relationships.  Social networking just gives us a new space in which to do so. 

Corporate Word of the Week:

incent (v.) – A made-up sales/marketing buzzword erroneously used to act as the verb form of ‘incentive.’  Variations include ‘incented,’ ‘incenting,’ and ‘incentivize.’

ex. – We’ll incent the customers with a free pass to the conference.

Going Viral

Okay, so I’ll admit it:  up until the past year, I never really thought IBM did anything cool.  Big Blue always struck me as, well, Big Blah.

But lately I’ve seen IBM really getting out there and embracing Web 2.0.  One of my favorite things the company did would have to be putting some viral videos on YouTube.  Now, considering that the subject matter of the videos is databases and XML, the videos are actually pretty funny, and somewhat reminiscent of The Office.  If there was ever a way to make storing your data seem totally cool, well, this is it.

Check ’em out:

Part I, Part II, Part III

So I’ve been thinking:  how do you make something ‘go viral?’  How does your video go about becoming the next dramatic chipmunk or numa numa guy?  Honestly, in the case of YouTube and Corporate America, I think it’s equal parts effort and luck. 

Part of it is making sure that people know your video is out there:  cascade it to as many people as possible within the company through e-mails, websites and newsletters and send it to friends outside the company. 

Also, add as many relevant tags as possible and pray that people find it that way. 

Corporations with money to spend might also want to consider advertising on relevant websites and other media.

Also, this may seem obvious, but it’s a great idea to make your video relate to your audience.  For example, an IBM talking head video probably won’t get too many hits on YouTube.  However, making an IBM video that’s a spoof of a TV show (such as The Office) would do better since people would find it more interesting / relevant.

Other shows that would be cool to spoof for corporate videos: 

American Idol – have a panel of three judges comparing your product and your competitor’s a la this TV show

Project Runway – similar idea to the preceding one

Survivor – see which company’s product ‘survives’ and comes out on top

The Apprentice – your product gets ‘hired’ and the competitor’s gets ‘fired’

Corporate Word of the Week:

efforting (v.) – The verb form of the noun ‘effort.’  Often used to make one’s self sound more intelligent.

ex. – We’re efforting a solution using our company’s top products.

Why do so many corporate social networking attempts fail?

In today’s age of Web 2.0, it seems as if every business in existence has a Facebook Fan Page, a YouTube Channel, and a slew of devoted Twitterers.  So – if companies ranging from mom-and-pop stores right up to Big Business each have a social media presence – what makes a company stand out?  What makes people join and follow these networks?  What keeps users coming back?

Now, as someone who visits social media sites daily (okay, so daily is quite the understatement…it’s more like I go on Facebook every half hour without even being conscious of doing it), and as a user who is a product of the Web 2.0 era, I would like to offer some insight.  Why should you listen to me?  Because I represent today’s consumer and know what people in my age bracket like, because, as it so happens, I’m part of my age bracket.

Some musings:

It seems as if one of the biggest problems is generating an audience to join and use these sites.  For example, if a business has a Facebook page, the business cannot assume that people are out on Facebook just dying to be fans of the company/product so badly that they search for it and join and then invite 10,000 friends – same goes for any other social media endeavor.  Social media marketing and advertising works just like regular marketing and advertising.  GET THE WORD OUT.  Tell colleagues and customers.  Engage bloggers and Twitterers.  Advertise.  Put links anywhere and everywhere.  Publicize in every applicable newsletter and website, both internal and external.  Chances are you’re Facebook ‘friends’ with some of your colleagues (and maybe even customers) on Facebook.  Post a link in your status message so it shows up in the Facebook news feed and in the ‘recently updated status’ tab – trust me, people DO click on this stuff.

Look into advertising on Facebook.  Facebook now allows you to create a targeted ad that you can make specific to people’s genders, age groups, interests, marital status, etc.  If you’re trying to reach single tech guys, for example, you can target them.

Hype your company’s social networking groups when speaking with teen-to-college-age audiences.  I know that IBM, for example, is involved with the younger crowd – thus, when giving presentations, it’s a great idea to mention Facebook groups, YouTube channels, etc.  Having been in college but a year ago, I would have been interested if a business directed me to their social networking projects.  I’d think, “hey cool, maybe company X is relevant to me and my generation, and tuned to what I want as a future employee/consumer.”

Offer an incentive for people to join your company’s network / group – it doesn’t have to be big – encourage people to take a survey, and give them a $5 iTunes or Starbucks giftcard or something.  Have a small contest for the best photo or video, and give away an iPod.  People love free stuff, but make them do something in order to get it.  Another thing to keep in mind is that people will get turned off if you make them do too much to get the free thing.  So the key is to try and find somewhere in between giving people something for merely joining your group, and making them fill out 10 pages of questions.

Keep the community going!  Don’t just create a group and then stop there – make sure the network has dynamic content, and update the material often.  Keep discussions going, and engage the community as much as possible.

And now for some shameless self promotion:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/IBM-DB2/10442975871

http://www.facebook.com/pages/IBM-Informix-Dynamic-Server-IDS/23461144288

http://www.facebook.com/pages/IBM-InfoSphere-Warehouse/17628877758

http://www.youtube.com/user/IBMer5985