When Work Attacks

It’s 3 o’clock on what seems to be an average work day.  You’ve checked off most of the items on your to-do list, and you’re just kind of hanging out, swiveling in your office chair, checking e-mail, drinking the remainder of your post-lunch coffee. 

All is calm, when suddenly, you swear you can hear the Psycho music faintly playing in your mind.  Or maybe it’s the Jaws theme.  It gets louder and louder, and more and more ominous, when suddenly your computer makes the cute little ding noise, indicating that you’ve just received an e-mail.  Somewhat scared, you anxiously click to open the message – in the 30 seconds it takes you to read the e-mail, your work day plummets from “pretty okay” to “flippin’ terrible.”  What just happened?  You were attacked by Work.

So here are a few stories that detail when I’ve been victimized by Work – take a read so you can be fully prepared the next time your Work bites you in the butt:

Nightmare in Approval Process Land Part I:

So about a month or two ago, I had the honor of doing internal launch communications for the New Big Product Announcement.  Now, despite the fact that I’m a newsletter editor (editor = one that proofreads and edits), everything I dare send out has to be reviewed by about 10 people.  Seriously.  As you can imagine, the more people you involve with something, the more annoying things get.  People make comments for the sake of making comments, others nitpick over the slightest things, and other people don’t even read it, and just say “it looks good, send it.”

So, after sending the Big Launch Communication to like, a dozen people to review and edit, I finally received the okay from Major Executive Dude to send this thing out.  So, I send it out.  About an hour later, I receive this chain of e-mails in my inbox marked as urgent.  What could possibly have gone wrong?  Well, despite the fact that a million people supposedly reviewed this thing, someone who received the e-mail noticed that the wrong preposition was used in the product naming (for real), sent it his boss, who sent to her boss, who sent to someone else, who sent to my boss, who got PO’ed at me.  Why do we have review processes if no one actually reviews the important stuff, but just picks insignificant things to complain about?  Good question – I’m still trying to find the answer.

Misadventures in Branding Guidelines:

So every other week, I send out a newsletter from Important Sales Leader.  I write stuff under her name, and she makes comments / signs off on it.  Okay, sounds fine.  So what happened was, when she made her comments to my work, she wanted to be specific, and added in a bunch of product names that the Sales Peeps could read about.

So I send the thing out, and get an e-mail from a former Director Guy of mine.  He says, “These aren’t the correct product names, we need to use the right names.”

So work was again biting me, but I seriously LOL’ed at this response – since the sales leader had added that info, that meant she didn’t even know the correct names of her own products…the sales leader!  Oh man, wow.  Just wow.

Nightmare in Approval Process Land II:

Yeah, so this happened to me again…in the same week as Part I.  Obviously I was having a wonderful week, ha.  This time around, some other Big Launch Comm was supposed to be sent out under the General Manager’s name.  Note that because his name is on it does not mean that he writes it – it means I write it and he says, “Okay, looks like something I would have written even though I don’t write things.”  Of course, I was told about this thing at the last minute, leaving me pretty much no time to get the needed approvals from the totem pole of management.  However, one of my Big Boss Ladies said that, “The GM approved, we’re good to send out.”  So, because this woman is three levels above me, and after checking with Team Leader Lady, I send this thing out.  Come to find out, GM Dude never approved it.  Somehow, this is my fault.  Everyone knew what happened, Big Boss Lady took the blame, but somehow, my team still felt like making me the scapegoat.  See, that’s what I get for listening to people who are supposedly my superiors.

Nightmare in Approval Process Land III:

See a theme here?  This Evil Work bit me in the backside just a few days ago.  Big Sales Communication was going to be posted online, and needed approval from GM Dude.  It was decided on a team call, attended by many a boss of mine, that I would write the content, and that Official Executive Comms Guy would get the needed approval.  Okay, makes sense.  Come to find out, Exec Comms Guy posted the story without ever getting the approval.  So, naturally, even though my team knew what was going on, it was my somehow my fault.  Exec Comms Guy said he would take the fall, but naturally, people got all peeved off at me because he didn’t do his job.  The moral of the story is:  Assume everything you do is wrong, and that if you do your job correctly, someone will get mad at you.

What Time Is It?:

So the corporate peeps all got together last year and decided that we need to cut down on the number of internal newsletters sent out, make them all the same “look and feel,” and send them out at designated hours.  They figured that it would be best to send things out before 8:30 a.m., and after 5:30 p.m., so as not to send people a glut of newsletters during prime work hours.  Got it.

Okay, so I send out Generic Technical Newsletter after 5:30 p.m. Eastern Time.  However, my boss is in the Central Time Zone.  So, 5:30 in NY is 4:30 in the Midwest, and therefore my 5:30 is not in the designated Sending Time in the Midwest.  Naturally, people get mad at me because there are time zones.  Because I have control over the Earth’s rotation.  Yeahhh, next time you implement some guideline like that, keep in mind that the company is global.

Thankfully, Work doesn’t bare its teeth at me that often.  And, after all, what would work be without its little annoyances, inconsistencies, and hypocrisies?  As the joke goes, then it wouldn’t be called “work” –  it would be called “fun.”

Corporate Phrase of the Week:

Buckets of Message – Heard it on a recent conference call, uttered by someone making up phrases to sound all cool and worky.  I’m pretty sure this can be simply stated as “messaging.”

Example – Let’s discuss the correct buckets of message to include in the next corporate sales communication.

How to Make Your Own Marketing Phrases

Ever wonder how Big Business comes up with its marketing campaign names that are just bursting with buzzwords?  You know, the ones that they put at the end of TV commercials and in magazine advertisements that represent the latest corporate trends?  Ever wonder what the heck these phrases mean?

On the surface, these marketing phrases filled with strong action words and many-a-syllable seem very impressive.  However, when you step back and actually think about what these phrases mean, you don’t have a clue.  Well, I’ll let you in on a little inside secret:  it is widely theorized by researchers that these complex phrases mean absolutely nothing.  Top field researchers hypothesize that it’s something Corporate America does to sound intelligent, intimidate customers and competitors alike, and increase bottom line.  It is entirely within the realm of possibility that these phrases could possibly have a point, but Corporate America:  I’m on to you.

So now you might be wondering, “How does Big Business come up with these phrases?”  Well, there are a few widely accepted theories that I’ll share with the general public:

Method #1:

The first step is to get the dictionary of your choice.  Then, join a bunch of suit-clad colleagues in a big, overly air-conditioned grey conference room with lots of refreshments and big cushy leather executive-type chairs.  Then, simply go through the dictionary, point at random words, and string them together into a phrase.

Using this technique, and my trusty Scrabble dictionary, here’s what I came up with:

Randomly Chosen Words:  stable, fixture, organic, verbiage, grasp, linear, piddle, audit

Example Phrases:  Linear Verbiage, Organic Audit, Stable Fixture, Grasping Piddle

See, sounds like your company’s marketing campaign, right?  Maybe soon you’ll be working on advertising for the Organic Audit campaign.

Method #2:

This is a very popular method used by businesses everywhere, and has been widely used ever since the dawn of BS (note that the dawn of BS likely coincided with the birth of Big Business).   Companies often make use of this method on their corporate websites in really big letters on their home page. 

This method helps you make a simple, two-word marketing phrase that is lacking in any semblance of sense.  Just what corporate wants to see.  To make the first word of the phrase, take the comparative or superlative form of  an adjective.  For the second, pick your favorite corporate noun.

Examples:  Best Data, Newest Pipeline, Bigger Efficiencies, Cleaner Agenda

Hey, don’t be surprised if you see on some business site that Generic Company is about to announce its Cleaner Agenda marketing plan.

Method #3:

With this simple, surefire method, you can create a three-word phrase chock full of BS.  For the first word:  pick a coporatey-sounding noun.  The second word:  pick your favorite preposition.  The third word:  pick a businessy verb or noun.

Examples:  Innovation with Initiative,  Power in Action, Dynamics to Drive, Force through Assisting, Enterprise on Search

I could totally see Big Company X launching the Power in Action marketing campaign.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Thanks to one of my colleagues for sending this one over! 🙂

Quippocrite (n.) – This is a newly coined word used to refer to someone who sends an e-mail that is entirely contradictory to the inspirational quote that follows his or her signature.  A synonym for this is insigcere.

Example – You get an e-mail from Ms. Bosswoman where she’s going off on a rant about something inconsequential, and is essentially belittling people.  However, at the bottom of her e-mail, after her signature, you notice an inspirational quote that says something to the effect of “Kindness and respect are the foundations of a good business.”  This person would be a prime example of a quippocrite.

Why am I doing your job?

Ever find yourself doing tasks that you’re pretty sure are not in your job description?  Ever feel like you’re doing someone else’s job for him or her?  Is there some annoying boss, leader or colleague at your company who keeps trying to pawn off work on you?  Does it seem like some people are doing any work at all, because they’re too busy dumping?

Yeah,  it’s all part of the life experience that is your job.  While this type of thing shouldn’t be happening at all, it seems like it occurs at almost every office.  There’s always that one person who likes to dump work on others, and then take the credit for it.  Sometimes, they’re so sneaky about it, you don’t even know when it’s happening.  In situations such as this, refer to this handy guide to get you out of what could be a day devoted to doing some monster project for your team leader while he puts his feet up on his desk and watches videos on YouTube all day.

Are you really busy right now?

This question begins the downward spiral.  Your colleague from down the hall pops her head in and asks what you’re up to.  Never say, “Not much,” or “Nothing” or “I’m not too busy at the moment.”  NEVER.  You’re always busy and don’t think you’ll have a free moment all week.  Even when you’re really not.  The second you indicate that you have even a second ‘s break in your workday, the Pawner will latch on and suck out all of your free time.  You’ll notice that the instant you say “Naw, not too much is happening right now,” the Pawner’s eyes will light up with a sort of twisted glee.  Visions of going on Facebook and long lunches go through their heads, as they prepare to dump piles and piles of work on you…

Could you do me a favor?

A classic move.  The Pawner will seemingly innocently pop her head through your office door and say, “Boy, I’m so swamped today.  Could you help me with something?”  Don’t be a martyr and say, “Sure,” or “What is it?”  You simply can’t let yourself get sucked into this vortex of utter annoyance.  Your response should be, “Oh, I know!  Mr. Bossdude is really loading it on this week!  I’m totally busy too, with my own workload!  My apologies that I can’t help out.”  Even if the only thing you have to do until lunch time is send one e-mail and twiddle your thumbs, you’re busy, got it?  About 99 percent of the time, the Pawner is crying wolf, and actually isn’t maxed out with work…so you have no reason to feel lazy or bad.  Now, the Pawner might also throw in, “If you help me out with this, I’ll definitely have to repay you when you’re bogged down.”  Note:  This will never happen.  Every time you go to the Pawner with the favor, she will say, “Oh, I’m really busy and can’t help today – maybe tomorrow.”

But you’re so good at this!

This is another common excuse used by the Pawner.  When the Pawner strikes with this tactic, he will use some form of flattery, such as “You’re really good at PowerPoint,” or “You’re so much better at this than I am,” to butter you up.  You’re thinking, “Wow, I’m glad people notice what I’m doing around here to contribute.”  But the Pawner is thinking, “Yay, someone to do my work!”  So, your response to this tactic should be, “But I think you’re really talented with this, too,” or “Well, this experience will really help you to gain proficiency.”  And just keep insisting on those points.  Ha, stumps ’em.

I think that’s part of your job, right?

Sometimes, the Pawner likes to play dumb.  The Pawner knows that the huge budget spreadsheet is not part of your job, but pretends not to know that.  If you ever hear someone utter this phrase in regard to offloading work, know that you’re dealing with a Pawner.  When someone says this to you, you simply respond, “No it’s not in my job description.”  Or, “I’m pretty sure that’s part of what you do – maybe you should check with the manager to be sure.”  The second you involve a higher authority in your retort, the Pawner will retreat back to his office in defeat.

The bosses really like to see this sort of thing!

So sometimes, the Pawner mosey on over to your cubicle with grunt work artfully disguised as an “opportunity.”  Always be wary of this wolf in sheep’s clothing.  The Pawner will say, “I have a really high-visibility project for you.  This will really make you look good to the boss!”  So your first thought should be, “If this project is so great and will impress the boss so much, why aren’t you doing it?”  Good question.  Sometimes people are actually nice and give you opportunities, but not a Pawner-type.  If the Pawner drops on by and says this to you, just reply, “Oh, well, you really deserve this opportunity, you’re such an asset to the company.”  Ha, in your face, Pawner.

Ending note:  Be ever vigilant and work defensively – you never know when a Pawner attack will occur!

Corporate Phrase of the Week:

“I feel like I’m giving birth to a new team” – I heard this on some organizational announcement call.  The new manager was just announced as handling both marketing and communications people, thus forming a new team.  Okay, fine.  But then, the new manager said, “I feel like I’m giving birth to a new team.”  Uhhh gross.  That’s really not the kind of visual you want on a conference call – you know, your manager in labor and all.  Especially if it’s a guy… 😛

Is it 5:00 yet?

It’s 2:00 p.m. on a Tuesday – lunch is an hour behind you, and the end of the day is still 3 hours away.  You’ve just finished up all of your work, your boss is on vacation and your boss’ boss is at Some Company Conference.  Translation:  you’re bored, you’re out of work to do, and no one is around to give you more work to keep you entertained.  Of course, you can’t just leave – it would be awesome if you could, but that would come across as, well, lazy and unprofessional.  And you don’t want to give that impression.  So what do you do for the rest of the day?  How do you give off the illusion that you’re doing work to your colleagues in the surrounding cubicles, without actually doing any?

Here are a few pointers:  (*Disclaimer:  Note that this is only recommended if you have absolutely nothing to do, and have exhausted all other ways to possibly find more work for yourself.  In other words, I’m not condoning being a lazy bum.  Also note that I don’t personally do any of these things, but they’re funny in theory. :-P)

Go on some sort of social networking site:

So you probably have at least one social networking account, be it on Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, etc.  So if your company hasn’t blocked those pages, totally go on one of those sites.  Update your profile, change your picture, maybe play a little Scrabble on that Facebook app you downloaded.  You might be thinking, “What if Nosy Coworker walks by and sees what I’m doing?”  Never fear – you just tell them that you’re researching ways for your company to get involved in the Web 2.0 space.  What if you’re in the middle of playing a game, or taking a quiz on a Facebook or MySpace app?  Then you simply explain that you’re looking into creating a social marketing application for your company.  There’s no way to prove that you’re not doing that…it’s pure genius.

Go to the bathroom:

Okay, so you’re probably thinking that this doesn’t waste too much time.  There’s where you’re wrong – it has loads of time-killing potential.  So you saunter down the rows of offices to the bathroom, go in and just hang for a while.  Maybe pull out your phone and start texting some friends for happy hour plans.  Take out your iPod and listen to a few songs.  This can shave anywhere from 10-20 minutes off your work day.  You might wonder, “Will people get suspicious?”  Maybe if you do that all the time.  But if you take a Long Bathroom Visit about once or twice per week, no one will be the wiser.  And why?  Because no one ever wants to know about the business you were conducting in the bathroom.  Pun intended.

Make a trip to the vending machine:

This is one of the most classic ways to waste time.  Now when you do this, make sure you choose the vending machine that is furthest away from your office, preferably even in another building.  No one will catch on, because you merely state that the vending machine close to you never has the food/soda you like the best, and/or is broken.  So then you get to the vending machine, purposely not having brought enough change, or no bill lower than a $20.  So then you have to go to the change machine – which is near the cafeteria in that other building.  So you go there.  Then you finally get some sort of sustenance – whether or not you’re actually hungry.  This is guaranteed to take up about 15 minutes – not too little time, and not too much to make coworkers wonder.  And to waste even more time, and to be the most popular worker in your row of cubicles – ask everyone around you if they want you to get them a snack, too.

Get one of those tabletop games:

Go to any toy store, and you’re sure to find an assortment of mini tabletop games, including such classics as finger bowling, mini billiards, tiny golf sets, etc.  You should totally pick one of these up for the office.  When your coworkers think you’re wasting time by trying to get a 300 game in finger bowling, just explain to them that you’re merely relieving the stress caused by that 8:30 a.m. budget meeting.  They’ll understand.  Other related options include buying a Zen garden (you know, the little sandbox things with the bonsai trees and the little rake?) or a mini Etch-a-Sketch or something.

Count the tiles on your office ceiling:

This is a last resort, but it gets the job done.  Just lean way back in your chair, put your feet on your desk and look at the ceiling.  Again, when asked what you are doing, say that you are relieving stress.  Works every time.

So hopefully now, you’re a little less bored, and a little bit closer to the golden hour that is 5:00 p.m.  Glad I could be of service.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

Impactful (v.) – I recently heard this one on some long conference call with the obligatory 65 accompanying PowerPoint slides.  When I heard this, I totally didn’t think it was a word.  Thus, I went to Google to confirm.  And, as thought, impactful is not a word, but rather, a made-up word that people use in the corporate setting to sound more intelligent.  Gag.

ex. – Now, let’s discuss the key plays that are most impactful on the business’ bottom line.

How to Make Your Own “Corporate Words”

Thanks to my fiance for this idea! 😉

Sometimes (okay, most of the time), when we’re at the office, it’s like we have to speak a different language as to efficiently communicate with bosses and colleagues.  If you’ve ever worked in an office or cubicle in the corporate environment, you know what I’m talking about, and are probably nodding your head and chuckling right about now.  It’s almost like, the second you put on your button down shirt and khakis in the morning, or the instant you slip on those pointy-toed high heels that make that satisfying, important-sounding click-click sound as you walk, you find yourself in an entirely different frame of mind.

At home, or with your friends, you might say, “That sounds great,” or, “What are we doing for lunch?”  But at work, the translation of these common phrases would be, “Why, that appears to be optimal,” or, “What is the official game plan for the designated lunch hour?”

However, sometimes, it seems as if work people get tired of using “dynamic,” “optimal,” “strategy,” “innovative,” “key plays” and “core efficiencies” ad nauseum in every meeting and conference call.  So people start getting creative.  That’s when you start to hear the ever-so-nonexistent words that I feature in my “Corporate Word of the Week” spot.  So how do work people go about making strange-sounding words to make themselves sound smart, and like they know what they’re talking about?  Well, I’m here to let you in on some secrets that will help you spew corporate jargon like no other, and that will make you the star at your next meeting.

Tip #1:

Turn existing nouns into nonexistent verbs.  Ever wonder where words like “incentivize” and “operationalizing” come from?  Do you want to sound really corporate on that next phone call with the boss’ boss?  Well, look no further; these words were spawned by a professional using Corporate Word Generator Tip #1. 

Let’s practice Tip #1 by trying this exercise together.

Step 1:  Write down a few nouns that you use in your everyday work life.  They can be programs you use, things on the corporate website, or nouns you hear on conference calls.  For example, you might write down “PowerPoint,” “reorganization,” “spreadsheet” and “coffee.” 

Step 2:  Take these words, and transform them into verbs.  This can be done by simply adding the suffix “-ing” to the end of these nouns.  Now that these words have been corporatized (See?  I just made up a word!), you have “PowerPointing,” “reorganizationing” (optionally, “reorganizationalizing”), “spreadsheeting” and “coffeeing.”

Step 3:  Practice using these words in sentences, so that you will be familiar with them, and ready to use them by the time your next meeting rolls around.   

PowerPointing – I’m busy PowerPointing the presentation for the budget meeting later this afternoon.

Reorganizationing – Since Ms. Bosslady is reorganizationing the team, I’ll be in a new job role next month. 

**Note that you could just say “reorganizing,” but that wouldn’t sound too corporate, now would it?

Spreadsheeting – Using Microsoft Excel, I’m spreadsheeting all of the press opportunities we have to offer our customers.

Coffeeing – If we arrive at the office at 8:30, that will allow for some coffeeing before the big meeting at 9.

Tip #2:

Turn existing nouns and verbs into nonexistent adjectives.  This is how common office words such as “organizationable” and “performant” are born.  Once you’ve mastered Tip #1, you’re ready to take this next challenge.

Let’s practice Corporate Word Generator Tip #2 together.

Step 1:  Think of a few nouns and verbs that you commonly use and overhear at the office.  Some words you use might include, but are not limited to, “brainstorm,” execution,” “synergy” and “innovation.”

Step 2:  Take this list of nouns and verbs, and turn them into adjectives by adding “-ant,”  “-able,” or “-izable.”  Brainstorm becomes “brainstormant.”  Execution becomes “executionable.”  Synergy becomes “synergizable.”  Innovation becomes “innovationalizable.” 

**Note that even if the noun or verb you’re converting already has an adjective version of itself that is, in fact, an acceptable word, you may not use the actual word.  To sound smart and businesslike at meetings, you must use the made-up, corporatized version of that word.

Step 3:  Now you’re ready to use your newly made, corporatized words!  Let’s practice putting them into sentences before your next meeting.

Brainstormant – The meeting proved very brainstormant, since we came up with a lot of new marketing ideas.

Executionable – Mr. Bossdude likes when we come up with highly executionable key plays to sell our products.

Synergizable – If we all put our heads and collective strategies together, we’ll have a corporately synergizable team on our hands. 

Innovationalizable – This new technology is very innovationalizable, and allows for our customers to use it in new and different ways to grow business.

Bearing in mind these two simple tips, you’ll now be able to spew corporate B.S. with the utmost of ease!  In order to get to the highly advanced point of making up these words off the top of your head, I recommend practicing with the Corporate Word Generator Tips at least once or twice per week.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Umm, pretty much all of the ones I just made up in this post.  😛

The Different Types of Work Days: Vol. I

So over the past couple of years, I’ve been taking note of the various types of work days that I encounter.  And, after charting them carefully and making copious mental notes, I’ve developed a way to identify each kind of work day and its defining characteristics.  This is volume I of the Different Types of Work Days Handbook.  Volume I consists of the most annoying types of work days and their frequency in occurring at your workplace.  This section lets you know when you can expect these pain-in-the-butt days so that you can mentally prepare for them.  Or call in sick.

Basically an Average Day (BAD):

BAD’s are pretty standard.  You have a decent amount of work – not too much, not too little.  Maybe you have a conference call or two, but you’re definitely not booked in meetings for the day.  You actually have enough time to eat lunch – and don’t have to work through it.  You can probably even spare 15 minutes to take an afternoon break.  All in all, this makes for a pretty tolerable, uneventful, okay day. 

*Note that BAD’s don’t occur too often – when they do, they are most frequently seen occurring on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Slow, Torturous Day (STD):

STD’s are awful.  You come to the office in the morning, turn on your laptop, and check your e-mail, waiting for a barrage of notes to respond to.  Unfortunately, you have about three e-mails – two that you were cc’ed on but don’t have to respond to, and one telling you how someone wants to be in your professional network on LinkedIn.  10:30 rolls around, and you’ve totally finished all of your work for the day.  You can’t even get a head start on anything because getting a head start requires actually having work to do.  Which you don’t.  You go on non-work-related websites, check some news sites, take your turns on the Facebook Scrabble app, and find yourself wishing that someone would send you an invite to a two-hour meeting.  It’s that bad.  The high point of your day is lunch – when you actually have something to do (i.e., eat).  The rest of the afternoon pretty much consists of you going on Facebook, LinkedIn, and YouTube about 20 times an hour, just to find out that none of your friends has updated at anything, most likely because they actually have work to do at work.

*Note that these days don’t mean you’re lazy, because with STD’s, you legitimately have nothing to do.  STD’s occur once or twice a week, on average.  Tuesday-Thursday are the most likely times for you to have an STD.

Doing A lot of Meaningless Nothing (DAMN):

DAMN’s are the polar opposites of STD’s.  You come into the office expecting to have five e-mails from the night before, and realize that you have 30.  And lucky for you, about 28 of these e-mails have to-do items in them.  Most of your action items outlined in these e-mails are totally pointless and tedious, but still, you have to have all of them done by the end of the day.  You also have four or five meetings that you have to present in.  DAMN’s usually don’t leave you any time for lunch – if you’re lucky, you can eat while you’re sending e-mails, updating spreadsheets, and making slide decks.  The afternoon consists of you frantically trying to finish all of your to-do’s so that you might leave at a reasonable hour.  When you have a DAMN day, you usually don’t leave the office until at least 6:00.

*Note:  You are most likely to find yourself in a DAMN on Monday or Friday.

Conferences:  Obligatory, and Not Fun (CONF):

CONF days are usually hectic, just like a DAMN day.  When you come into work in the morning, you check your calendar, and noticed that you’re booked for the entire day!  Sometimes even double-booked for some slots.  You typically have to present some slides, or at least say something intelligent on every single meeting when a CONF day comes up.  Most likely, these are all calls pertaining to your job role and the teams and projects you work on, thus preventing you from weaseling out of at least one meeting just so you can run to the bathroom, or maybe even *gasp* have lunch.  If you’re really lucky, you have calls with people from different time zones, so your onslaught of conferences starts at 7 a.m. and goes until 6 p.m.

*CONF days usually occur in the Monday-Thursday range.

Stay tuned for Volume 2…

Corporate Word of the Week:

keynoting (v.) – This is actually a word, but it annoys me because you could never use this word outside of a business setting without someone looking at you like you’re a nut.  Why can’t you just say, “giving the keynote speech?”

ex. – The software executive guy is keynoting the Information Initiative Innovations Conference in May.

How to Get Your Boss to Lay off the Layoffs

We’ve got some seriously trying economic times upon us right now, and it seems that all of Corporate America is  atwitter talking about layoffs and reorganizations of management and all of that fun stuff that translates into you not having a job.  Even here at IBM.  Eek.

You think your job is secure – you’re a great contributor, you’re always on time, and you get your work done quickly and efficiently.  However, one day, your boss makes a trip down to your office and gives you the gut-wrenching news that you’ve been laid off.  In the case of such an event occurring, I give you a number of options for what you can do.  Note that I tend to lay on the sarcasm and dry humor quite thickly… 😉

Blame:

Blame your performance on the project leader, or on one of your coworkers.  Mention that the team leader hasn’t been effective enough, or encouraging enough.  Say that if your coworkers were more productive, then you wouldn’t be in this position.  Get your boss to focus on someone else.  Hopefully he or she will be so busy thinking about all these people responsible for your getting fired, that the boss won’t even remember to fire you.

Rat out Others:

Another option is to suggest other people on your team to be fired instead of you.  You know that Joe on the team called in sick last week when he wasn’t really sick.  Cindy always comes in late, and leaves early.  You’re pretty sure that Jack hasn’t done jack to help boost company sales.  So, why should you get fired when there are at least a dozen more worthy candidates than you?  Suggest these other fireable people to the boss.  Maybe supplement your ideas with a PowerPoint presentation (with many fun pictures and clip-art graphics), and perhaps with a handy color-coded spreadsheet.  This should help your boss to see the error in his/her decision to fire you.

Playing the Guilt Card:

Your boss is telling you that you’re about to be fired.  You feel helpless, demeaned, useless, and afraid.  but don’t worry:  you still have the guilt card to play!  Tug on the boss’ heartstrings:  ask him if he remembers the time you covered for him when he wasn’t at that budget meeting because he wanted to spend an extra day on vacation in the Bahamas.  Ask her if she remembers that time you made that amazing slide deck for the Q1 marketing plans when she didn’t feel like doing it.  Mention how the company is your life, and how you’d absolutely die if you couldn’t come to the office every day and contribute to Company X’s year-to-year growth.  By the time you’re done, the boss will probably be teary-eyed, and will offer to be laid off instead of you.  Or, your boss will at least send a severance gift basket of sorts.

Throw in Some Personal Info:

Don’t be afraid to throw in some personal problems to build your case.  Mention that you just found out that your son needs braces.  Express your fears that your house will be a victim of foreclosure.  Show your grief that you don’t know how you’ll take care of your old, ailing mother.  Feel free to stretch the truth a bit.  Embellish by throwing in the fact that a family member might have some disease, and by freaking out at the fact that you could soon be living on the streets.  This will help to cement how truly un-fireable you are.

Threaten to Sue:

This option is truly a classic.  When talking with your boss, throw in some frightening, ominous words and phrases like “discrimination,” “favoritism,” and “unequal pay.”  Say that you’re pretty sure that your coworker of the opposite sex has been approached for more important assignments than you’ve been asked to do.  Mention that you’re pretty sure that Bob on the team gets more pay than you for doing the same work with the same experience.  Again, add in some fluff.  Speculate.  Nothing scares Big Business more than the word “lawsuit.”  After all, let’s not forget that suing is the American Way.

Of course, if none of this works, then your final option is to apply for other jobs, try your best to cut back on personal expenses, and to hope for the best.  Hopefully being laid off is a predicament that both you and I won’t be facing personally.  But, if you find yourself in that situation, remember that you have my “expert” help here in this blog post, as well as your own marketable skills and talent.  Moreso the latter.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

performant (adj.) – A business word typically used when one means “high-performance,” or “top-performing.”  Note that this word does not actually exist.

ex. – These software products are the performant technologies for the overarching brand.

Getting to the Meat of Meetings

Ah, meetings – it seems no work week in Corporate America is quite complete without them.  Admittedly, sometimes I actually like having meetings – they kinda make me feel all important and professional and the such, and they’re a great way to kill time and make the work day go by faster.

However, attending at least one conference call on a daily basis for about the past year-and-a-half has led me to categorize them in a few ways.  Please refer to this as a handy guidebook to help you identify what type of meeting you are stuck in.  Also, make a note that hybrids of these meeting types have also been commonly sighted in the office habitat.

Meeting Type A: 

This kind of meeting is also known as a “Circular Meeting” (CM).  CM’s are characterized by people reiterating the same thing over and over again, and at the end, you realize you’re right back where you started, haven’t accomplished a thing, and need to schedule another meeting to attempt and accomplish the goal that the first meeting was intended to accomplish. 

For example, a typical Circular Meeting might go in such a way: 

Corporate Dude #1:  We need to get more customer testimonials for the product.

Corporate Dude #2:  I’ve found that potential customers like to hear about what other customers enjoy about our products, and I know that others’ experiences optimize their buying potential and embody what they want to hear about our key product areas.  More customer testimonials are just what we need.

Corporate Dude #3:  We really need to drive a cadence here, and need to lay out our roadmap going forward into next quarter.  We want to back up our best-of-breed products with robust, rich, client experiences.  We need to have more customer testimonials.

*Note how each person uses big words and impressive corporate speech to reiterate the same point.  The excessive tangents and fluff might mask the fact that you’re in a Circular Meeting, so beware!

Meeting Type B:

This meeting is also known as a “Stalemate Meeting” (SM).   In this type of conference, there are stubborn, type-A people who have differing opinions on how to accomplish something.  They refuse to budge, argue for the duration of the meeting, and accomplish a bunch of zilch in the end.  This meeting thus ends in a stalemate, and all further discussion has to be postponed until another meeting, where the same scenario occurs again.

Example:

Corporate Dude #1:  We should move all of our internal communications online, so we don’t send out so many e-mails.

Corporate Dude #2:  We should continue to send e-mails, no one will go online to read our communications.

Corporate Dude #1:  No, I think we definitely need to move everything online.  It’s the way of the future, and we definitely can’t just compromise and have both an e-mail and online component, because I’m clearly right about this.

Corporate Dude #2:  No, we need to send e-mails because no one can find anything online.  This is what works, and we totally can’t compromise, since I’m obviously the one who’s correct.

*Note how a simple compromise could effectively meet both parties needs, but no one will ever realize that.

Meeting Type C:

This type of meeting is called a “Meeting about a Meeting” (MaaM).  These conferences are usually held in advance of a meeting with some sort of boss / bigwig.  On these calls, the lower people on the corporate totem pole meet to discuss what they think the boss wants to see / hear at the next meeting.  On these calls, lengthy discussions are had as to what type of PowerPoint presentation the boss would like to see, what types of distracting pictures to include, and how to word things so as to make it seem like the team is doing more than in actuality.

Example:

Corporate Dude #1:  I think we should have a 50-slide PowerPoint for the next meeting with Ms. Bosswoman. 

Corporate Dude #2:  Definitely.  We should use many acronyms, pictures, and multi-syllabic words so that she will be so confused, she can’t possibly ask us questions as to what we’re actually doing.

*Note that these meetings are held in desperate attempts to cover one’s butt.  Also note that a simple e-mail or quick phone call would usually be just as effective as scheduling a Meeting about a Meeting.

Meeting Type D:

This category of meeting is also called a “Deja vu Meeting” (DVM).   At these meetings, you get the feeling that you had the same exact conversation at last week’s meeting.  And at the week before last week’s meeting.  You remember mentioning the same points, and the same ideas.  You realize that none of your ideas have been executed.

Example:

Last week’s meeting:

Corporate Dude #1:  We should include more links on the website.  What do you think?

Corporate Dude #2:  Yes, we need to link to our social networking ventures, our new customer videos, and the new data sheet.

This week’s meeting:

Corporate Dude #1:  I wanted to run the idea by you of having more links on the site.

Corporate Dude #2:  Yes, we need to link to our social networking ventures, our new customer videos, and the new data sheet.

*Note that Corporate Dude #1 really needs to start taking better notes / listening.

Meeting Type E:

These meetings are also called “Blink Meetings” (BM).  These types of meetings take approximately one minute, whereupon you realize that you totally could’ve just sent an e-mail.  And, you wonder why you just scheduled a half hour for a meeting in which you blinked about twice.

Example:

Corporate Dude #1:  Let’s discuss what to write about in the next press release.

Corporate Dude #2:  Okay, let me send you an e-mail with the ideas from the press team.  E-mail me back with your thoughts.

*Note that Corporate Dude #2 could’ve just sent the e-mail before the meeting.

Meeting Type F:

This is called an “Actual Meeting” (AM).  In AM’s, things actually get accomplished.  People talk about ideas, come up with a plan of action, and know what needs to be done.

Example:

Well, there is no example, because very few of these meetings exist in nature.  Only a handful of cases have been documented.

*Note that these meetings are extremely rare.  Once one occurs, you should realize that another likely won’t happen for about six months or so.

At any rate, when you find yourself in any of these meetings, I recommend playing Buzzword Bingo, as captured in this Dilbert comic that my fiance sent me. 🙂

Happy Friday!

Publications: Which Is Better – Online or Print?

Today, it seems as if publications are split between appearing online, and in print.  But which is better?  Should a company embrace both of these options?

Online-only publications seems to work best when there is a short amount of information to read and digest – only a few paragraphs and some links, at most.  Computers are breeding grounds for distractions and almost seem to encourage all of us to develop ADD-like behavior, so less is certainly more in this case.

However, If your company publishes a full-length magazine complete with ads and photos, as a consumer of information, I’d caution against having an online-only version of your publication.  It’s hard to digest text-heavy pieces when reading them on a computer – it strains your eyes, and I often find myself visiting about five other websites while I’m reading.  If it’s feasible and affordable for your company to have an online publication in addition to a print version, then that’s awesome – this will maximize the number of places where readers can access information.  Having the publication both online and in print also works out well when you want to access past issues of a magazine – going through online archives is much easier than sifting through hard copies.

I personally find that full-length magazines with longer articles and a good number of pages are much more enjoyable in print version.  I like flipping through a magazine while sitting on the couch, at work, or on a trip.  One thing I especially like is when companies offer an online supplement to their print publications.  For example, my Martha Stewart Weddings magazine (don’t laugh at me) directs readers to go online for more pictures and ideas for flowers, cakes, favors, etc.  This doesn’t take the place of the print version, but rather, enhances it, and offers readers more info should they want it.  This actually makes me want to go online and see what they’re talking about (and, I actually do just that).

Corporate Word of the Week:

Siloed (adj.) – A fake word that people use to refer to data that isn’t stored in one place, but rather, in many locations.  Note that the word “silo” really can’t be used as anything other than a noun.

ex. – The company’s information was siloed, making it difficult to access.

There’s a social network for THAT?!

In this era of social networks, headed by sites such as Facebook and MySpace, it seems as if there’s a network for, well, everything.  I’ve seen ads for social communities surrounding everything from horses to weddings to wine and beyond.  But this seems like a good way to get your company involved with Web 2.0, right?  Umm, maybe not. 

To me, this raises some questions: 

Do some things really need social networks?  The answer to this is a resounding “no.”  For example, the leader of the social marketing team I’m on mentioned this community for cat litter.  Now seriously, why does cat litter need a social community?!  I definitely don’t think it does.  I mean, is this cat litter that great that people are dying to join the community and participate in discussions about this and watch kitty-litter-related videos?  I think you can answer that.  I would suggest making this group more general – people would definitely join a social community about cats…and maybe the cat litter company could sponsor the site and offer coupons or something.  Think about whether or not your company’s product would benefit from having a social network surrounding it:  Would this draw new customers?  Would this reinforce positive feelings in current consumers?  Would this just be a huge waste of time and money?

Should you just use an existing site such as Facebook or MySpace?  In most cases, I would say “yes, it would make sense to just create a group or a page off of Facebook or MySpace.”  For example, maybe the kitty litter people could’ve just created a Facebook group for free rather than wasting money on creating a page for their own network.  Millions of people are already members of Facebook and MySpace, and might be interested in becoming fans of your product, so this is always a good resource to tap.  The Facebook-MySpace realm is also a good place to test out whether or not it would make sense to create a separate social network site for your company or its product – if you get a ton of people to join your group, then maybe it would make sense to have your own site specifically devoted to this.

Is this market overly saturated?  It sure seems that way.  I think this cat litter site marks the exact point where social networks outside of the mainstream jumped the shark, so to speak.  There’s another reason right there to shy away from making your own social network – with way too much out there, it makes your social network more difficult to search for and find.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Viralize (v.) – A verb meaning “to make viral.”  Note that this is not an actual word and makes it seem like you’re trying too hard to sound smart.

ex. – Let’s use YouTube to try and viralize the new corporate video.