When Work Attacks

It’s 3 o’clock on what seems to be an average work day.  You’ve checked off most of the items on your to-do list, and you’re just kind of hanging out, swiveling in your office chair, checking e-mail, drinking the remainder of your post-lunch coffee. 

All is calm, when suddenly, you swear you can hear the Psycho music faintly playing in your mind.  Or maybe it’s the Jaws theme.  It gets louder and louder, and more and more ominous, when suddenly your computer makes the cute little ding noise, indicating that you’ve just received an e-mail.  Somewhat scared, you anxiously click to open the message – in the 30 seconds it takes you to read the e-mail, your work day plummets from “pretty okay” to “flippin’ terrible.”  What just happened?  You were attacked by Work.

So here are a few stories that detail when I’ve been victimized by Work – take a read so you can be fully prepared the next time your Work bites you in the butt:

Nightmare in Approval Process Land Part I:

So about a month or two ago, I had the honor of doing internal launch communications for the New Big Product Announcement.  Now, despite the fact that I’m a newsletter editor (editor = one that proofreads and edits), everything I dare send out has to be reviewed by about 10 people.  Seriously.  As you can imagine, the more people you involve with something, the more annoying things get.  People make comments for the sake of making comments, others nitpick over the slightest things, and other people don’t even read it, and just say “it looks good, send it.”

So, after sending the Big Launch Communication to like, a dozen people to review and edit, I finally received the okay from Major Executive Dude to send this thing out.  So, I send it out.  About an hour later, I receive this chain of e-mails in my inbox marked as urgent.  What could possibly have gone wrong?  Well, despite the fact that a million people supposedly reviewed this thing, someone who received the e-mail noticed that the wrong preposition was used in the product naming (for real), sent it his boss, who sent to her boss, who sent to someone else, who sent to my boss, who got PO’ed at me.  Why do we have review processes if no one actually reviews the important stuff, but just picks insignificant things to complain about?  Good question – I’m still trying to find the answer.

Misadventures in Branding Guidelines:

So every other week, I send out a newsletter from Important Sales Leader.  I write stuff under her name, and she makes comments / signs off on it.  Okay, sounds fine.  So what happened was, when she made her comments to my work, she wanted to be specific, and added in a bunch of product names that the Sales Peeps could read about.

So I send the thing out, and get an e-mail from a former Director Guy of mine.  He says, “These aren’t the correct product names, we need to use the right names.”

So work was again biting me, but I seriously LOL’ed at this response – since the sales leader had added that info, that meant she didn’t even know the correct names of her own products…the sales leader!  Oh man, wow.  Just wow.

Nightmare in Approval Process Land II:

Yeah, so this happened to me again…in the same week as Part I.  Obviously I was having a wonderful week, ha.  This time around, some other Big Launch Comm was supposed to be sent out under the General Manager’s name.  Note that because his name is on it does not mean that he writes it – it means I write it and he says, “Okay, looks like something I would have written even though I don’t write things.”  Of course, I was told about this thing at the last minute, leaving me pretty much no time to get the needed approvals from the totem pole of management.  However, one of my Big Boss Ladies said that, “The GM approved, we’re good to send out.”  So, because this woman is three levels above me, and after checking with Team Leader Lady, I send this thing out.  Come to find out, GM Dude never approved it.  Somehow, this is my fault.  Everyone knew what happened, Big Boss Lady took the blame, but somehow, my team still felt like making me the scapegoat.  See, that’s what I get for listening to people who are supposedly my superiors.

Nightmare in Approval Process Land III:

See a theme here?  This Evil Work bit me in the backside just a few days ago.  Big Sales Communication was going to be posted online, and needed approval from GM Dude.  It was decided on a team call, attended by many a boss of mine, that I would write the content, and that Official Executive Comms Guy would get the needed approval.  Okay, makes sense.  Come to find out, Exec Comms Guy posted the story without ever getting the approval.  So, naturally, even though my team knew what was going on, it was my somehow my fault.  Exec Comms Guy said he would take the fall, but naturally, people got all peeved off at me because he didn’t do his job.  The moral of the story is:  Assume everything you do is wrong, and that if you do your job correctly, someone will get mad at you.

What Time Is It?:

So the corporate peeps all got together last year and decided that we need to cut down on the number of internal newsletters sent out, make them all the same “look and feel,” and send them out at designated hours.  They figured that it would be best to send things out before 8:30 a.m., and after 5:30 p.m., so as not to send people a glut of newsletters during prime work hours.  Got it.

Okay, so I send out Generic Technical Newsletter after 5:30 p.m. Eastern Time.  However, my boss is in the Central Time Zone.  So, 5:30 in NY is 4:30 in the Midwest, and therefore my 5:30 is not in the designated Sending Time in the Midwest.  Naturally, people get mad at me because there are time zones.  Because I have control over the Earth’s rotation.  Yeahhh, next time you implement some guideline like that, keep in mind that the company is global.

Thankfully, Work doesn’t bare its teeth at me that often.  And, after all, what would work be without its little annoyances, inconsistencies, and hypocrisies?  As the joke goes, then it wouldn’t be called “work” –  it would be called “fun.”

Corporate Phrase of the Week:

Buckets of Message – Heard it on a recent conference call, uttered by someone making up phrases to sound all cool and worky.  I’m pretty sure this can be simply stated as “messaging.”

Example – Let’s discuss the correct buckets of message to include in the next corporate sales communication.

How to Make Your Own “Corporate Words”

Thanks to my fiance for this idea! 😉

Sometimes (okay, most of the time), when we’re at the office, it’s like we have to speak a different language as to efficiently communicate with bosses and colleagues.  If you’ve ever worked in an office or cubicle in the corporate environment, you know what I’m talking about, and are probably nodding your head and chuckling right about now.  It’s almost like, the second you put on your button down shirt and khakis in the morning, or the instant you slip on those pointy-toed high heels that make that satisfying, important-sounding click-click sound as you walk, you find yourself in an entirely different frame of mind.

At home, or with your friends, you might say, “That sounds great,” or, “What are we doing for lunch?”  But at work, the translation of these common phrases would be, “Why, that appears to be optimal,” or, “What is the official game plan for the designated lunch hour?”

However, sometimes, it seems as if work people get tired of using “dynamic,” “optimal,” “strategy,” “innovative,” “key plays” and “core efficiencies” ad nauseum in every meeting and conference call.  So people start getting creative.  That’s when you start to hear the ever-so-nonexistent words that I feature in my “Corporate Word of the Week” spot.  So how do work people go about making strange-sounding words to make themselves sound smart, and like they know what they’re talking about?  Well, I’m here to let you in on some secrets that will help you spew corporate jargon like no other, and that will make you the star at your next meeting.

Tip #1:

Turn existing nouns into nonexistent verbs.  Ever wonder where words like “incentivize” and “operationalizing” come from?  Do you want to sound really corporate on that next phone call with the boss’ boss?  Well, look no further; these words were spawned by a professional using Corporate Word Generator Tip #1. 

Let’s practice Tip #1 by trying this exercise together.

Step 1:  Write down a few nouns that you use in your everyday work life.  They can be programs you use, things on the corporate website, or nouns you hear on conference calls.  For example, you might write down “PowerPoint,” “reorganization,” “spreadsheet” and “coffee.” 

Step 2:  Take these words, and transform them into verbs.  This can be done by simply adding the suffix “-ing” to the end of these nouns.  Now that these words have been corporatized (See?  I just made up a word!), you have “PowerPointing,” “reorganizationing” (optionally, “reorganizationalizing”), “spreadsheeting” and “coffeeing.”

Step 3:  Practice using these words in sentences, so that you will be familiar with them, and ready to use them by the time your next meeting rolls around.   

PowerPointing – I’m busy PowerPointing the presentation for the budget meeting later this afternoon.

Reorganizationing – Since Ms. Bosslady is reorganizationing the team, I’ll be in a new job role next month. 

**Note that you could just say “reorganizing,” but that wouldn’t sound too corporate, now would it?

Spreadsheeting – Using Microsoft Excel, I’m spreadsheeting all of the press opportunities we have to offer our customers.

Coffeeing – If we arrive at the office at 8:30, that will allow for some coffeeing before the big meeting at 9.

Tip #2:

Turn existing nouns and verbs into nonexistent adjectives.  This is how common office words such as “organizationable” and “performant” are born.  Once you’ve mastered Tip #1, you’re ready to take this next challenge.

Let’s practice Corporate Word Generator Tip #2 together.

Step 1:  Think of a few nouns and verbs that you commonly use and overhear at the office.  Some words you use might include, but are not limited to, “brainstorm,” execution,” “synergy” and “innovation.”

Step 2:  Take this list of nouns and verbs, and turn them into adjectives by adding “-ant,”  “-able,” or “-izable.”  Brainstorm becomes “brainstormant.”  Execution becomes “executionable.”  Synergy becomes “synergizable.”  Innovation becomes “innovationalizable.” 

**Note that even if the noun or verb you’re converting already has an adjective version of itself that is, in fact, an acceptable word, you may not use the actual word.  To sound smart and businesslike at meetings, you must use the made-up, corporatized version of that word.

Step 3:  Now you’re ready to use your newly made, corporatized words!  Let’s practice putting them into sentences before your next meeting.

Brainstormant – The meeting proved very brainstormant, since we came up with a lot of new marketing ideas.

Executionable – Mr. Bossdude likes when we come up with highly executionable key plays to sell our products.

Synergizable – If we all put our heads and collective strategies together, we’ll have a corporately synergizable team on our hands. 

Innovationalizable – This new technology is very innovationalizable, and allows for our customers to use it in new and different ways to grow business.

Bearing in mind these two simple tips, you’ll now be able to spew corporate B.S. with the utmost of ease!  In order to get to the highly advanced point of making up these words off the top of your head, I recommend practicing with the Corporate Word Generator Tips at least once or twice per week.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Umm, pretty much all of the ones I just made up in this post.  😛

The Layoff Guide: Boss’ Edition

The economy is going all sorts of crazy, which means that more and more businesses are being forced to cut back on costs.  Unfortunately, sometimes “cutting costs” translates to laying off employees.  No one wants to deal with this ghastly business, but hey, it happens. 

So you’re a manager at Big Company X, and you have to lay off one person on the team you manage.  But everyone is good at what they do!  They all do a good job, they all show up on time, and no one really deserves to get the boot more than anyone else.  Whatever do you do?  Here’s what I propose:  make the layoffs fun, and turn it into a game!

Layoff “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”:

This method of laying off employees can also be used to determine how much $ you get for a raise.  So you hold a conference call, or call everyone into the meeting room, letting them know that you’re going to discuss something serious.  But then, you put each of your employees in the “hot seat,” and ask them a series of questions in ascending difficulty, as per the game show, “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”.  You can change the title to “Who Doesn’t Want to Get Laid off?,” though.  You should definitely make the questions all relate to the company so you can assess who is the most loyal employee, and who has done the most company research.  Obviously, the person who gets the least amount of questions correct gets laid off.

When using this game to determine raises, change the scale.  You know that Big Company X isn’t giving anyone a million dollar raise.  Except for maybe Ms. Senior Vice President.  Make the highest questions worth $10,000, and make the lowest worth $1.  How funny would it be if one of your employees got a dollar raise?! 

Layoff “Jeopardy!”:

Use company-related questions for this, just as in the above-mentioned “Millionaire:  Layoff Edition. ”  Follow the general rules for this game show, using the traditional “you-give-the-answer-as-the-clue,-the-employee-has-to-word-the-response-as-a-question-format.”  Potential “Jeopardy!” categories could include:  “The  Boss’ Favorite Foods,”  “Name That Conference,”  “People Who Come in Late,” and “Whose Conference Call Number Is This?”  You can even add a twist to it:  Anyone who finishes in the negative numbers has to pay the company that much money, and get laid off.  Anyone who finishes in the positive numbers gets that money as a bonus.  Makes it more fun, huh?

Layoff “Monopoly”:

Make one of those personalized Monopoly boards to increase the excitement of this.  For example, I’d have “Monopoly:  IBM Edition.”  All of the properties around the board would be companies IBM has acquired / would like to acquire.  Houses and Hotels would become Labs and Office Buildings.  Board game pieces would include:  Dude in a Suit, Laptop, Briefcase, Data Sheet, and Cup of Coffee.

Follow your typical Monopoly rules for this, giving people “paychecks” whenever they pass Go, and sending them to jail (for some white collar crime).  This is a great game to use to decide layoffs, because it will tell you who the best performers are – who closes the most deals, who can make the company the most money, and who is the most shrewd businessperson.

Layoff “Scrabble”:

So you play a usual game of Scrabble, except there’s a catch:  you can only spell business-related words!  Acceptable words would include:  dynamic, data, info, incent, client, commute, coffee, lunch, meeting, etc.  When an employee doesn’t have a business word to put down, they have to put down something and then attempt to explain its relation to the land of Corporate America.  For instance, if someone spells “bull” – the person could say it refers to a bull market, and the bull people say at meetings.  This would allow them to remain in the game.  If the person spells something unrelated to work and can’t justify any relation, lay ’em off.

Layoff “American Idol:”

Have people “audition” for you, and make up songs about the company.  You, and a panel of other bosses, will then judge the contestants based on originality and creativity.  This method is both entertaining, and effective.  You can even use the company songs that people make up in advertising campaigns!  Sweet deal, huh?

Layoff “Survivor:”

Instead of sending people to a deserted island, you lock them in the conference room with limited coffee and donuts.  As the boss, you periodically go into the room and hold challenges for the employees.  These could include making a communications or marketing plan, or who can write a whitepaper the fastest, for example.  You then see who everybody wants to “vote off.”  This person then gets laid off.  This is a great way to do things because it encourages teamwork and healthy competition. 

Layoff “Sorry!”:

This one’s just plain funny.  Come on, how appropriate is this?  Whoever loses gets laid off, and you say “Sorry!”  Enough said.

And, when you’re done with layoffs, how to do the reorganization:

I’d like to thank my fiance for this idea. 😉

Rather than having meeting after meeting after meeting to decide the new reporting structure and everybody’s spot on the totem pole, just throw things into a hat.  Get two hats:  one for the slips of paper with job roles written on them, the other for the papers with salaries on them.  It just makes life that much easier, and avoids the stress that is induced from too many hours in meetings and the nausea you can get from looking at too many PowerPoints and hierarchal charts of managers and direct reports.  So you call Ted’s name, and pull a paper out of the Job Role Hat:  He’s going to be the CEO.  You then pull a slip of paper out of the Salary Hat:  He’s going to get the pay of the intern.  Next up is Sally.  She’s going to report to herself as manager, and will get entry-level pay.  See how fun this can make things?

Corporate Word/Phrase of the Week:

“…the most marketing-weary universe on the planet” – I heard this on some marketing webcast this past week.  The person was saying something like, “Older generations are the most-marketing-weary universe on the planet when it comes to social media.”  Looks like someone forgot his basic cosmology.  Universe = larger than a planet, therefore, the universe cannot be contained on a planet.  Nice try at a metaphor, bud.

The Different Types of Work Days: Vol. I

So over the past couple of years, I’ve been taking note of the various types of work days that I encounter.  And, after charting them carefully and making copious mental notes, I’ve developed a way to identify each kind of work day and its defining characteristics.  This is volume I of the Different Types of Work Days Handbook.  Volume I consists of the most annoying types of work days and their frequency in occurring at your workplace.  This section lets you know when you can expect these pain-in-the-butt days so that you can mentally prepare for them.  Or call in sick.

Basically an Average Day (BAD):

BAD’s are pretty standard.  You have a decent amount of work – not too much, not too little.  Maybe you have a conference call or two, but you’re definitely not booked in meetings for the day.  You actually have enough time to eat lunch – and don’t have to work through it.  You can probably even spare 15 minutes to take an afternoon break.  All in all, this makes for a pretty tolerable, uneventful, okay day. 

*Note that BAD’s don’t occur too often – when they do, they are most frequently seen occurring on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Slow, Torturous Day (STD):

STD’s are awful.  You come to the office in the morning, turn on your laptop, and check your e-mail, waiting for a barrage of notes to respond to.  Unfortunately, you have about three e-mails – two that you were cc’ed on but don’t have to respond to, and one telling you how someone wants to be in your professional network on LinkedIn.  10:30 rolls around, and you’ve totally finished all of your work for the day.  You can’t even get a head start on anything because getting a head start requires actually having work to do.  Which you don’t.  You go on non-work-related websites, check some news sites, take your turns on the Facebook Scrabble app, and find yourself wishing that someone would send you an invite to a two-hour meeting.  It’s that bad.  The high point of your day is lunch – when you actually have something to do (i.e., eat).  The rest of the afternoon pretty much consists of you going on Facebook, LinkedIn, and YouTube about 20 times an hour, just to find out that none of your friends has updated at anything, most likely because they actually have work to do at work.

*Note that these days don’t mean you’re lazy, because with STD’s, you legitimately have nothing to do.  STD’s occur once or twice a week, on average.  Tuesday-Thursday are the most likely times for you to have an STD.

Doing A lot of Meaningless Nothing (DAMN):

DAMN’s are the polar opposites of STD’s.  You come into the office expecting to have five e-mails from the night before, and realize that you have 30.  And lucky for you, about 28 of these e-mails have to-do items in them.  Most of your action items outlined in these e-mails are totally pointless and tedious, but still, you have to have all of them done by the end of the day.  You also have four or five meetings that you have to present in.  DAMN’s usually don’t leave you any time for lunch – if you’re lucky, you can eat while you’re sending e-mails, updating spreadsheets, and making slide decks.  The afternoon consists of you frantically trying to finish all of your to-do’s so that you might leave at a reasonable hour.  When you have a DAMN day, you usually don’t leave the office until at least 6:00.

*Note:  You are most likely to find yourself in a DAMN on Monday or Friday.

Conferences:  Obligatory, and Not Fun (CONF):

CONF days are usually hectic, just like a DAMN day.  When you come into work in the morning, you check your calendar, and noticed that you’re booked for the entire day!  Sometimes even double-booked for some slots.  You typically have to present some slides, or at least say something intelligent on every single meeting when a CONF day comes up.  Most likely, these are all calls pertaining to your job role and the teams and projects you work on, thus preventing you from weaseling out of at least one meeting just so you can run to the bathroom, or maybe even *gasp* have lunch.  If you’re really lucky, you have calls with people from different time zones, so your onslaught of conferences starts at 7 a.m. and goes until 6 p.m.

*CONF days usually occur in the Monday-Thursday range.

Stay tuned for Volume 2…

Corporate Word of the Week:

keynoting (v.) – This is actually a word, but it annoys me because you could never use this word outside of a business setting without someone looking at you like you’re a nut.  Why can’t you just say, “giving the keynote speech?”

ex. – The software executive guy is keynoting the Information Initiative Innovations Conference in May.