When Work Attacks

It’s 3 o’clock on what seems to be an average work day.  You’ve checked off most of the items on your to-do list, and you’re just kind of hanging out, swiveling in your office chair, checking e-mail, drinking the remainder of your post-lunch coffee. 

All is calm, when suddenly, you swear you can hear the Psycho music faintly playing in your mind.  Or maybe it’s the Jaws theme.  It gets louder and louder, and more and more ominous, when suddenly your computer makes the cute little ding noise, indicating that you’ve just received an e-mail.  Somewhat scared, you anxiously click to open the message – in the 30 seconds it takes you to read the e-mail, your work day plummets from “pretty okay” to “flippin’ terrible.”  What just happened?  You were attacked by Work.

So here are a few stories that detail when I’ve been victimized by Work – take a read so you can be fully prepared the next time your Work bites you in the butt:

Nightmare in Approval Process Land Part I:

So about a month or two ago, I had the honor of doing internal launch communications for the New Big Product Announcement.  Now, despite the fact that I’m a newsletter editor (editor = one that proofreads and edits), everything I dare send out has to be reviewed by about 10 people.  Seriously.  As you can imagine, the more people you involve with something, the more annoying things get.  People make comments for the sake of making comments, others nitpick over the slightest things, and other people don’t even read it, and just say “it looks good, send it.”

So, after sending the Big Launch Communication to like, a dozen people to review and edit, I finally received the okay from Major Executive Dude to send this thing out.  So, I send it out.  About an hour later, I receive this chain of e-mails in my inbox marked as urgent.  What could possibly have gone wrong?  Well, despite the fact that a million people supposedly reviewed this thing, someone who received the e-mail noticed that the wrong preposition was used in the product naming (for real), sent it his boss, who sent to her boss, who sent to someone else, who sent to my boss, who got PO’ed at me.  Why do we have review processes if no one actually reviews the important stuff, but just picks insignificant things to complain about?  Good question – I’m still trying to find the answer.

Misadventures in Branding Guidelines:

So every other week, I send out a newsletter from Important Sales Leader.  I write stuff under her name, and she makes comments / signs off on it.  Okay, sounds fine.  So what happened was, when she made her comments to my work, she wanted to be specific, and added in a bunch of product names that the Sales Peeps could read about.

So I send the thing out, and get an e-mail from a former Director Guy of mine.  He says, “These aren’t the correct product names, we need to use the right names.”

So work was again biting me, but I seriously LOL’ed at this response – since the sales leader had added that info, that meant she didn’t even know the correct names of her own products…the sales leader!  Oh man, wow.  Just wow.

Nightmare in Approval Process Land II:

Yeah, so this happened to me again…in the same week as Part I.  Obviously I was having a wonderful week, ha.  This time around, some other Big Launch Comm was supposed to be sent out under the General Manager’s name.  Note that because his name is on it does not mean that he writes it – it means I write it and he says, “Okay, looks like something I would have written even though I don’t write things.”  Of course, I was told about this thing at the last minute, leaving me pretty much no time to get the needed approvals from the totem pole of management.  However, one of my Big Boss Ladies said that, “The GM approved, we’re good to send out.”  So, because this woman is three levels above me, and after checking with Team Leader Lady, I send this thing out.  Come to find out, GM Dude never approved it.  Somehow, this is my fault.  Everyone knew what happened, Big Boss Lady took the blame, but somehow, my team still felt like making me the scapegoat.  See, that’s what I get for listening to people who are supposedly my superiors.

Nightmare in Approval Process Land III:

See a theme here?  This Evil Work bit me in the backside just a few days ago.  Big Sales Communication was going to be posted online, and needed approval from GM Dude.  It was decided on a team call, attended by many a boss of mine, that I would write the content, and that Official Executive Comms Guy would get the needed approval.  Okay, makes sense.  Come to find out, Exec Comms Guy posted the story without ever getting the approval.  So, naturally, even though my team knew what was going on, it was my somehow my fault.  Exec Comms Guy said he would take the fall, but naturally, people got all peeved off at me because he didn’t do his job.  The moral of the story is:  Assume everything you do is wrong, and that if you do your job correctly, someone will get mad at you.

What Time Is It?:

So the corporate peeps all got together last year and decided that we need to cut down on the number of internal newsletters sent out, make them all the same “look and feel,” and send them out at designated hours.  They figured that it would be best to send things out before 8:30 a.m., and after 5:30 p.m., so as not to send people a glut of newsletters during prime work hours.  Got it.

Okay, so I send out Generic Technical Newsletter after 5:30 p.m. Eastern Time.  However, my boss is in the Central Time Zone.  So, 5:30 in NY is 4:30 in the Midwest, and therefore my 5:30 is not in the designated Sending Time in the Midwest.  Naturally, people get mad at me because there are time zones.  Because I have control over the Earth’s rotation.  Yeahhh, next time you implement some guideline like that, keep in mind that the company is global.

Thankfully, Work doesn’t bare its teeth at me that often.  And, after all, what would work be without its little annoyances, inconsistencies, and hypocrisies?  As the joke goes, then it wouldn’t be called “work” –  it would be called “fun.”

Corporate Phrase of the Week:

Buckets of Message – Heard it on a recent conference call, uttered by someone making up phrases to sound all cool and worky.  I’m pretty sure this can be simply stated as “messaging.”

Example – Let’s discuss the correct buckets of message to include in the next corporate sales communication.

How to Make Your Own “Conference Phrases”

So you’re on a late afternoon conference call, and some guy is presenting a slide deck surrounding the upcoming launch of Product X.  Not only is the PowerPoint deck loaded with all sorts of uppity, businessy words, but the guy is confidently spewing all sorts of phrases that sound impressive, but upon closer inspection, are totally ludicrous and irrelevant.  However, everyone else seems to think he’s making sense, and is regurgitating all sorts of other equally lame phrases right back. 

Now, these aren’t your normal, everyday metaphors and cliches that you’d use in casual conversation with friends (well, without getting laughed at) – these are Conference Phrases, and are an integral part of the work vernacular.

So you’re probably wondering how the heck people come up with these borderline nutcase phrases – is there some sort of training that you missed?  Is there a formal guidebook explaining how you should talk in the office?  Well, no.  But that’s why I’m here – to show you how you, too, can have your own arsenal of meaningless phrases to use in your next meeting.

Let’s get started:

In my extensive experience that I’ve gained by attending way too many meetings per week, I’ve noticed that many Conference Phrases follow similar formats.

Format #1:

We’ve got to (verb) this (noun) to the (noun).

This standard metaphor format is typically used when indicating urgency – i.e., getting a project done asap, quickly gathering materials for the announcement, etc.  Note that the more grand and unrelated the metaphor, the more you impress your coworkers.

Example:

We’ve got to ride this horse to the finish on this announcement.

We’ve got to drive this golf cart to the tee and get the project done.

We’ve got to bring our appetites to the dinner party and make the most of this product.

We’ve got to take this shuttle to Mars and really pull out this press release.

Format #2:

We really need to (verb) a (noun).

This other type of metaphor format is typically used by bosses when attempting to energize the team with what they think is a strong , philosophical, intelligent-sounding phrase.

Example:

We really need to drive a cadence.

We really need to pick the fruit.

We really need to eat the leftovers.

We really need to start the next World War.

Format #3:

This is as (adjective) as (noun).

This is a classic simile…work style!  Instead of comparing things that actually make sense, you equate projects and products to grandiose events and things that are kind of a stretch.

Example:

This product is as huge as the Grand Canyon.

This announcement is as crucial as world peace.

This project is as important as the Queen of England.

This release is as hot as your mom.

Hopefully these tips will really help you pull out the big guns on your next conference call, impress the boss, and win you the awe and admiration of your colleagues.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Upliftment (n.) – A BS word that strangely reminds me of the existing word uplifting.  Hmm perhaps they have the same definition?

Example – The upliftment of the purchase order will help us secure budget funds going into Q3.

The Corporate Word Translator

You’ve learned how to make your own Corporate Words, now, learn how to translate Corporate Speak to plain English!  Ever find yourself in meetings where practically every word that your bosses and coworkers utter is pure fluff?  Ever find youself staring at PowerPoint presentations, trying to make sense of all of the unnecessary flow charts and gibberish?  Well then, read on so you can finally crack the corporate code and know exactly what your colleagues are saying!  After reading this, you’ll be able to wow upper management with your awe-inspiring grasp of job jargon.

A list of common work words & phrases:

Actionable Insight – This seems to pop up a lot in corporate data sheets and white papers.  I guess it means, um, insight into your business?  Something like that?  Or maybe it doesn’t mean anything at all…hmm…

Business Benefits / Business Challenges – When marketing to other companies, corporations tend to specify types of challenges and benefits by using the modifier “business,” for some reason.  This just simply means “challenges” and “benefits.”  It really doesn’t make sense to include the word “business” in these phrases – I think customers realize that they are businesses without others telling them so.  Just a thought.

Core Competencies – This basically means “skills.”  Yup, just skills.

Driving a Cadence – You thought cadences just appeared in music, but not anymore!  Your manager might use this phrase when he or she actually means, “creating a schedule.”  Along those same lines, I’ve noticed that people are adapting non-work-related words to the workplace more and more.  For example, I’ve also heard of the “corporate ecosystem,” and the “pipeline of events,” and “starbursts of key priorities.”  Eww.

*Dynamic – This word once meant “pertaining to or characterized by energy or effective action,” according to dictionary.com.  Now, however, it’s pretty much lost all meaning.  I’ve seen this word in so many presentations, and heard it on so many conference calls, that this word has been reduced to mere corporate filler.  If you see or hear this word, just pretend that it’s not there:  the odds are, it really offers nothing to the sentence or phrase, and it’s just there because your coworker wants to sound, how shall we say, “dynamic.”

*Here are some other work words that also appear as filler:  innovative, robust, key, core, driving, spearheading, strategic, programmatic, informational

Key Plays – So you just got an e-mail, and attached is a PowerPoint presentation with the new boss’ “key plays.”  Now, what the heck does that mean?  Well, key plays, put very simply, means “goals.”  Saying “key plays” just makes the goals sound more lofty and well-developed.

Strategic Initiatives – This just translates to “strategies.”  Remember how in middle school, you learned to be concise with your writing and speaking?  Well, just bear in mind that when writing or speaking at work, this principle goes out the door.  At work, the more unnecessary words, the better.

Synergy – This word is soooo 1990’s Corporate America, but it still pops up in conversation at least biweekly.  People should really just say, “cooperation.”  Or, “working together.”  Or anything else.  Seriously.

Some tips for speaking / writing for the workplace:

Always make an acronym for something.  Even when it really isn’t applicable.  For example, a phrase such as “have a meeting after lunch” can be made into HML.  “Presenting in a meeting” can be PM.  You get the picture.

Use a lot of unnecessary adjectives.  The filler words mentioned earlier are great for this purpose.

Give really simple things complicated names in order to sound smarter.  “Actionable insight” is a prime example of this practice.  For instance, you can call “learning,” “key intelligence enhancement initiatives.”  “Making a spreadsheet” can be “compiling a centralized, aligned source of table-formatted information for ease of viewing.” 

Corporate Word of the week:

Auditability (n.) – In the spirit of tax season, I’ve decided to feature this word.  This is not actually a word – what this means is “something that can be audited,” or, “something that is likely to be audited.”  Like taxes.  Yay.

Example – The company’s tax returns were not done correctly, and have much auditability.

Is there such thing as an “executive personality?”

So in the course of my career at IBM (short though it might be at this point), I’ve heard personality descriptors such as “type A,” “dynamic,” “driving” and “strong” thrown around quite a bit in the workplace.  Just last week on a conference call, one of my coworkers was being, well, how shall I say…a little less than tactful.  Comments were worded poorly, and this person was bossing people around and, essentially, not having regard for the feelings of others.  The person also didn’t have an actual plan of action for the complaints that were uttered.  Not really what you’d call constructive criticism.  When the conference call was over, another team member said, “Well, it will be interesting to see where he/she goes in a few years, since the executives act like that.”

So, I say unto you:  Whaaaat?!

To me, someone who is in a leadership role shouldn’t be there merely because of his/her personality.  Managerial positions should be (and from what I’ve seen at IBM, I think are) held by those who actually think about other people’s feelings, who have great ideas, who speak up about those ideas and who act on those ideas.  In other words, and to use a cliche, you can’t be all talk and no action. 

And, fortunately, in my experience at IBM, I can honestly say that all of my managers are very caring people who would never belittle me, but rather, treat me like an equal, despite my young age and my position on the corporate totem pole.  I’ve always felt like they value my ideas, and reward and encourage them.  These people are more than a personality – they are actual people with a great deal of concern for their roles, and especially for others.

Why should people be put into boxes labeled according to their personality types?  That strikes me as an unfair thing to do.  It implies that all managers are cold and uncaring (not true!) and that all non-managers don’t speak up enough.  Now, I’m not an aggressive person, and tend not to interrupt people and act bossy.  However, I do try earnestly to be assertive, a good listener and someone who gives her input when it is relevant and helpful to the conversation (basically, I don’t just say something just to make myself sound smart).  I think that I have some good ideas, and that I act on the ones that I have.

But, was this person saying that, because I’m not aggressive, that means that I can’t get to the top?  Have I hit the glass ceiling in my early 20’s?  Am I doomed because I don’t possess a certain personality?  Or, should I compromise who I am, become a mere “personality” and stop caring just so I can climb the tiers of corporate management?

That’s just plain wrong.

I’m going to continue to do the best job that I can in Corporate America, despite other team members applauding the “personality” of my coworker.  I think that I, too, have a place in the corporation, and can make it just as high as anyone else – with or without this fabled personality.  I’m truly hoping that I wasn’t naive to think that I’d be rewarded and promoted for my efforts rather than for my personality type.  But, judging by how supportive my managers act, I think I just might have a chance. 🙂

Corporate Word of the Week:

versioning (v.) – The corporate verb form of “version.”  Often used when one actually means “product branding.”

ex. – We need some customer quotes about this new product.  They’ll really help us with the versioning.