When Work Attacks

It’s 3 o’clock on what seems to be an average work day.  You’ve checked off most of the items on your to-do list, and you’re just kind of hanging out, swiveling in your office chair, checking e-mail, drinking the remainder of your post-lunch coffee. 

All is calm, when suddenly, you swear you can hear the Psycho music faintly playing in your mind.  Or maybe it’s the Jaws theme.  It gets louder and louder, and more and more ominous, when suddenly your computer makes the cute little ding noise, indicating that you’ve just received an e-mail.  Somewhat scared, you anxiously click to open the message – in the 30 seconds it takes you to read the e-mail, your work day plummets from “pretty okay” to “flippin’ terrible.”  What just happened?  You were attacked by Work.

So here are a few stories that detail when I’ve been victimized by Work – take a read so you can be fully prepared the next time your Work bites you in the butt:

Nightmare in Approval Process Land Part I:

So about a month or two ago, I had the honor of doing internal launch communications for the New Big Product Announcement.  Now, despite the fact that I’m a newsletter editor (editor = one that proofreads and edits), everything I dare send out has to be reviewed by about 10 people.  Seriously.  As you can imagine, the more people you involve with something, the more annoying things get.  People make comments for the sake of making comments, others nitpick over the slightest things, and other people don’t even read it, and just say “it looks good, send it.”

So, after sending the Big Launch Communication to like, a dozen people to review and edit, I finally received the okay from Major Executive Dude to send this thing out.  So, I send it out.  About an hour later, I receive this chain of e-mails in my inbox marked as urgent.  What could possibly have gone wrong?  Well, despite the fact that a million people supposedly reviewed this thing, someone who received the e-mail noticed that the wrong preposition was used in the product naming (for real), sent it his boss, who sent to her boss, who sent to someone else, who sent to my boss, who got PO’ed at me.  Why do we have review processes if no one actually reviews the important stuff, but just picks insignificant things to complain about?  Good question – I’m still trying to find the answer.

Misadventures in Branding Guidelines:

So every other week, I send out a newsletter from Important Sales Leader.  I write stuff under her name, and she makes comments / signs off on it.  Okay, sounds fine.  So what happened was, when she made her comments to my work, she wanted to be specific, and added in a bunch of product names that the Sales Peeps could read about.

So I send the thing out, and get an e-mail from a former Director Guy of mine.  He says, “These aren’t the correct product names, we need to use the right names.”

So work was again biting me, but I seriously LOL’ed at this response – since the sales leader had added that info, that meant she didn’t even know the correct names of her own products…the sales leader!  Oh man, wow.  Just wow.

Nightmare in Approval Process Land II:

Yeah, so this happened to me again…in the same week as Part I.  Obviously I was having a wonderful week, ha.  This time around, some other Big Launch Comm was supposed to be sent out under the General Manager’s name.  Note that because his name is on it does not mean that he writes it – it means I write it and he says, “Okay, looks like something I would have written even though I don’t write things.”  Of course, I was told about this thing at the last minute, leaving me pretty much no time to get the needed approvals from the totem pole of management.  However, one of my Big Boss Ladies said that, “The GM approved, we’re good to send out.”  So, because this woman is three levels above me, and after checking with Team Leader Lady, I send this thing out.  Come to find out, GM Dude never approved it.  Somehow, this is my fault.  Everyone knew what happened, Big Boss Lady took the blame, but somehow, my team still felt like making me the scapegoat.  See, that’s what I get for listening to people who are supposedly my superiors.

Nightmare in Approval Process Land III:

See a theme here?  This Evil Work bit me in the backside just a few days ago.  Big Sales Communication was going to be posted online, and needed approval from GM Dude.  It was decided on a team call, attended by many a boss of mine, that I would write the content, and that Official Executive Comms Guy would get the needed approval.  Okay, makes sense.  Come to find out, Exec Comms Guy posted the story without ever getting the approval.  So, naturally, even though my team knew what was going on, it was my somehow my fault.  Exec Comms Guy said he would take the fall, but naturally, people got all peeved off at me because he didn’t do his job.  The moral of the story is:  Assume everything you do is wrong, and that if you do your job correctly, someone will get mad at you.

What Time Is It?:

So the corporate peeps all got together last year and decided that we need to cut down on the number of internal newsletters sent out, make them all the same “look and feel,” and send them out at designated hours.  They figured that it would be best to send things out before 8:30 a.m., and after 5:30 p.m., so as not to send people a glut of newsletters during prime work hours.  Got it.

Okay, so I send out Generic Technical Newsletter after 5:30 p.m. Eastern Time.  However, my boss is in the Central Time Zone.  So, 5:30 in NY is 4:30 in the Midwest, and therefore my 5:30 is not in the designated Sending Time in the Midwest.  Naturally, people get mad at me because there are time zones.  Because I have control over the Earth’s rotation.  Yeahhh, next time you implement some guideline like that, keep in mind that the company is global.

Thankfully, Work doesn’t bare its teeth at me that often.  And, after all, what would work be without its little annoyances, inconsistencies, and hypocrisies?  As the joke goes, then it wouldn’t be called “work” –  it would be called “fun.”

Corporate Phrase of the Week:

Buckets of Message – Heard it on a recent conference call, uttered by someone making up phrases to sound all cool and worky.  I’m pretty sure this can be simply stated as “messaging.”

Example – Let’s discuss the correct buckets of message to include in the next corporate sales communication.

How to Make Your Own Marketing Phrases

Ever wonder how Big Business comes up with its marketing campaign names that are just bursting with buzzwords?  You know, the ones that they put at the end of TV commercials and in magazine advertisements that represent the latest corporate trends?  Ever wonder what the heck these phrases mean?

On the surface, these marketing phrases filled with strong action words and many-a-syllable seem very impressive.  However, when you step back and actually think about what these phrases mean, you don’t have a clue.  Well, I’ll let you in on a little inside secret:  it is widely theorized by researchers that these complex phrases mean absolutely nothing.  Top field researchers hypothesize that it’s something Corporate America does to sound intelligent, intimidate customers and competitors alike, and increase bottom line.  It is entirely within the realm of possibility that these phrases could possibly have a point, but Corporate America:  I’m on to you.

So now you might be wondering, “How does Big Business come up with these phrases?”  Well, there are a few widely accepted theories that I’ll share with the general public:

Method #1:

The first step is to get the dictionary of your choice.  Then, join a bunch of suit-clad colleagues in a big, overly air-conditioned grey conference room with lots of refreshments and big cushy leather executive-type chairs.  Then, simply go through the dictionary, point at random words, and string them together into a phrase.

Using this technique, and my trusty Scrabble dictionary, here’s what I came up with:

Randomly Chosen Words:  stable, fixture, organic, verbiage, grasp, linear, piddle, audit

Example Phrases:  Linear Verbiage, Organic Audit, Stable Fixture, Grasping Piddle

See, sounds like your company’s marketing campaign, right?  Maybe soon you’ll be working on advertising for the Organic Audit campaign.

Method #2:

This is a very popular method used by businesses everywhere, and has been widely used ever since the dawn of BS (note that the dawn of BS likely coincided with the birth of Big Business).   Companies often make use of this method on their corporate websites in really big letters on their home page. 

This method helps you make a simple, two-word marketing phrase that is lacking in any semblance of sense.  Just what corporate wants to see.  To make the first word of the phrase, take the comparative or superlative form of  an adjective.  For the second, pick your favorite corporate noun.

Examples:  Best Data, Newest Pipeline, Bigger Efficiencies, Cleaner Agenda

Hey, don’t be surprised if you see on some business site that Generic Company is about to announce its Cleaner Agenda marketing plan.

Method #3:

With this simple, surefire method, you can create a three-word phrase chock full of BS.  For the first word:  pick a coporatey-sounding noun.  The second word:  pick your favorite preposition.  The third word:  pick a businessy verb or noun.

Examples:  Innovation with Initiative,  Power in Action, Dynamics to Drive, Force through Assisting, Enterprise on Search

I could totally see Big Company X launching the Power in Action marketing campaign.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Thanks to one of my colleagues for sending this one over! 🙂

Quippocrite (n.) – This is a newly coined word used to refer to someone who sends an e-mail that is entirely contradictory to the inspirational quote that follows his or her signature.  A synonym for this is insigcere.

Example – You get an e-mail from Ms. Bosswoman where she’s going off on a rant about something inconsequential, and is essentially belittling people.  However, at the bottom of her e-mail, after her signature, you notice an inspirational quote that says something to the effect of “Kindness and respect are the foundations of a good business.”  This person would be a prime example of a quippocrite.

Why am I doing your job?

Ever find yourself doing tasks that you’re pretty sure are not in your job description?  Ever feel like you’re doing someone else’s job for him or her?  Is there some annoying boss, leader or colleague at your company who keeps trying to pawn off work on you?  Does it seem like some people are doing any work at all, because they’re too busy dumping?

Yeah,  it’s all part of the life experience that is your job.  While this type of thing shouldn’t be happening at all, it seems like it occurs at almost every office.  There’s always that one person who likes to dump work on others, and then take the credit for it.  Sometimes, they’re so sneaky about it, you don’t even know when it’s happening.  In situations such as this, refer to this handy guide to get you out of what could be a day devoted to doing some monster project for your team leader while he puts his feet up on his desk and watches videos on YouTube all day.

Are you really busy right now?

This question begins the downward spiral.  Your colleague from down the hall pops her head in and asks what you’re up to.  Never say, “Not much,” or “Nothing” or “I’m not too busy at the moment.”  NEVER.  You’re always busy and don’t think you’ll have a free moment all week.  Even when you’re really not.  The second you indicate that you have even a second ‘s break in your workday, the Pawner will latch on and suck out all of your free time.  You’ll notice that the instant you say “Naw, not too much is happening right now,” the Pawner’s eyes will light up with a sort of twisted glee.  Visions of going on Facebook and long lunches go through their heads, as they prepare to dump piles and piles of work on you…

Could you do me a favor?

A classic move.  The Pawner will seemingly innocently pop her head through your office door and say, “Boy, I’m so swamped today.  Could you help me with something?”  Don’t be a martyr and say, “Sure,” or “What is it?”  You simply can’t let yourself get sucked into this vortex of utter annoyance.  Your response should be, “Oh, I know!  Mr. Bossdude is really loading it on this week!  I’m totally busy too, with my own workload!  My apologies that I can’t help out.”  Even if the only thing you have to do until lunch time is send one e-mail and twiddle your thumbs, you’re busy, got it?  About 99 percent of the time, the Pawner is crying wolf, and actually isn’t maxed out with work…so you have no reason to feel lazy or bad.  Now, the Pawner might also throw in, “If you help me out with this, I’ll definitely have to repay you when you’re bogged down.”  Note:  This will never happen.  Every time you go to the Pawner with the favor, she will say, “Oh, I’m really busy and can’t help today – maybe tomorrow.”

But you’re so good at this!

This is another common excuse used by the Pawner.  When the Pawner strikes with this tactic, he will use some form of flattery, such as “You’re really good at PowerPoint,” or “You’re so much better at this than I am,” to butter you up.  You’re thinking, “Wow, I’m glad people notice what I’m doing around here to contribute.”  But the Pawner is thinking, “Yay, someone to do my work!”  So, your response to this tactic should be, “But I think you’re really talented with this, too,” or “Well, this experience will really help you to gain proficiency.”  And just keep insisting on those points.  Ha, stumps ’em.

I think that’s part of your job, right?

Sometimes, the Pawner likes to play dumb.  The Pawner knows that the huge budget spreadsheet is not part of your job, but pretends not to know that.  If you ever hear someone utter this phrase in regard to offloading work, know that you’re dealing with a Pawner.  When someone says this to you, you simply respond, “No it’s not in my job description.”  Or, “I’m pretty sure that’s part of what you do – maybe you should check with the manager to be sure.”  The second you involve a higher authority in your retort, the Pawner will retreat back to his office in defeat.

The bosses really like to see this sort of thing!

So sometimes, the Pawner mosey on over to your cubicle with grunt work artfully disguised as an “opportunity.”  Always be wary of this wolf in sheep’s clothing.  The Pawner will say, “I have a really high-visibility project for you.  This will really make you look good to the boss!”  So your first thought should be, “If this project is so great and will impress the boss so much, why aren’t you doing it?”  Good question.  Sometimes people are actually nice and give you opportunities, but not a Pawner-type.  If the Pawner drops on by and says this to you, just reply, “Oh, well, you really deserve this opportunity, you’re such an asset to the company.”  Ha, in your face, Pawner.

Ending note:  Be ever vigilant and work defensively – you never know when a Pawner attack will occur!

Corporate Phrase of the Week:

“I feel like I’m giving birth to a new team” – I heard this on some organizational announcement call.  The new manager was just announced as handling both marketing and communications people, thus forming a new team.  Okay, fine.  But then, the new manager said, “I feel like I’m giving birth to a new team.”  Uhhh gross.  That’s really not the kind of visual you want on a conference call – you know, your manager in labor and all.  Especially if it’s a guy… 😛

My Status on Status Reporting

So amidst all of the tasks that I complete over the course of a workweek in Corporate America, I have to say that there is one thing that can at times be the bane of my existence:  status reporting.  Status reports can come in a variety of forms, and can sometimes be so well-disguised, that you aren’t even conscious of the fact that you’re reporting the status of anything.  They are often next to pointless, and are only thrust upon you so that you can report numbers to your boss who will then, in turn, show them to her boss, and so on and so forth.  Corporate researchers are still unable to find an actual purpose to this baffling practice.

Some types of status reports I’ve encountered in my work experience:

The Status Report Spreadsheet (SRS):

This is one of the more traditional forms of status reporting.  Mr. Bossguy tells you that he wants to see some numbers, letting him know how many new clients your team secured over the past month, versus last month, measured up to the yearly targets set by corporate.  Okay, so it makes sense that this info is good to know.  But the thing is, what should be a matter of plugging in some basic numbers turns into having the absolute exact number with no margin of error, put into this official impractical template designed by some dude in corporate who has never actually used the spreadsheet.  Typically, when you fill out this spreadsheet with your status numbers and send to the boss, he will not even focus on the numbers, but will complain that you used the wrong font size and color.  This, in essence, wastes the time that you could be using to actually do the thing that your boss wants you to report that status of.  This is, universally, regarded as one of the big OMG’s – Office Mysteries that are Great.

The Status Report Conference Call (SRCC):

After you fill out the SRS, you will likely be asked to present these numbers on a Status Report Conference Call (SRCC).  This call will likely last 1-2 hours, and will typically end with a bunch of angry executives complaining about how the yearly targets won’t be met, or how they aren’t “aggressive enough.”  Also, there will be that one nitpicker who complains that your template doesn’t exactly match the almighty corporate reporting guidelines.  After the SRCC, you will be left with more work to do on the status report, which will most likely keep you busy up until the interval when the next status report is due.  At that time, you will have nothing to report since you just spent all of your time reporting the status, rather than having an actual status to report.  Quite the paradox.

The Status of Status (SOS):

This is, perhaps, the most annoying type of status:  the infamous Status of Status, aptly known as the SOS.  Before you submit the status spreadsheet to the boss – the status spreadsheet that you’ve been tweaking and retweaking for about the past 2 weeks – your colleague decides that it would be a good idea to hold a call about the spreadsheet to discuss the numbers that you’re planning to plug in.  This is the dreaded SOS.  Just a thought – if status reporting is so complicated that you need another call to discuss the status of your status reporting, then this just might be a bit counterproductive.  The best is when another colleague wants to talk to you in advance of your call with the other colleague to discuss the report for the boss – this is the status of the status of the status, which is simply known as “stupidity.”

Corporate Word of the Week:

“Hold their feet to the fire” – I think I threw up a little when I heard this phrase uttered by Ms. Loudwoman across the hall.  She was talking to her boss about her colleagues who still needed to submit their work on a project, and said that, “I really need to hold their feet to the fire on this, and get those product launch slides from them.”  Ummm what?  What’s wrong with just saying some other less annoying cliche, like “they need to own up?”  Also, this sounds a bit twisted – like an ancient pagan ritual or something.  Corporations today – where do they get this stuff?

Is it 5:00 yet?

It’s 2:00 p.m. on a Tuesday – lunch is an hour behind you, and the end of the day is still 3 hours away.  You’ve just finished up all of your work, your boss is on vacation and your boss’ boss is at Some Company Conference.  Translation:  you’re bored, you’re out of work to do, and no one is around to give you more work to keep you entertained.  Of course, you can’t just leave – it would be awesome if you could, but that would come across as, well, lazy and unprofessional.  And you don’t want to give that impression.  So what do you do for the rest of the day?  How do you give off the illusion that you’re doing work to your colleagues in the surrounding cubicles, without actually doing any?

Here are a few pointers:  (*Disclaimer:  Note that this is only recommended if you have absolutely nothing to do, and have exhausted all other ways to possibly find more work for yourself.  In other words, I’m not condoning being a lazy bum.  Also note that I don’t personally do any of these things, but they’re funny in theory. :-P)

Go on some sort of social networking site:

So you probably have at least one social networking account, be it on Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, etc.  So if your company hasn’t blocked those pages, totally go on one of those sites.  Update your profile, change your picture, maybe play a little Scrabble on that Facebook app you downloaded.  You might be thinking, “What if Nosy Coworker walks by and sees what I’m doing?”  Never fear – you just tell them that you’re researching ways for your company to get involved in the Web 2.0 space.  What if you’re in the middle of playing a game, or taking a quiz on a Facebook or MySpace app?  Then you simply explain that you’re looking into creating a social marketing application for your company.  There’s no way to prove that you’re not doing that…it’s pure genius.

Go to the bathroom:

Okay, so you’re probably thinking that this doesn’t waste too much time.  There’s where you’re wrong – it has loads of time-killing potential.  So you saunter down the rows of offices to the bathroom, go in and just hang for a while.  Maybe pull out your phone and start texting some friends for happy hour plans.  Take out your iPod and listen to a few songs.  This can shave anywhere from 10-20 minutes off your work day.  You might wonder, “Will people get suspicious?”  Maybe if you do that all the time.  But if you take a Long Bathroom Visit about once or twice per week, no one will be the wiser.  And why?  Because no one ever wants to know about the business you were conducting in the bathroom.  Pun intended.

Make a trip to the vending machine:

This is one of the most classic ways to waste time.  Now when you do this, make sure you choose the vending machine that is furthest away from your office, preferably even in another building.  No one will catch on, because you merely state that the vending machine close to you never has the food/soda you like the best, and/or is broken.  So then you get to the vending machine, purposely not having brought enough change, or no bill lower than a $20.  So then you have to go to the change machine – which is near the cafeteria in that other building.  So you go there.  Then you finally get some sort of sustenance – whether or not you’re actually hungry.  This is guaranteed to take up about 15 minutes – not too little time, and not too much to make coworkers wonder.  And to waste even more time, and to be the most popular worker in your row of cubicles – ask everyone around you if they want you to get them a snack, too.

Get one of those tabletop games:

Go to any toy store, and you’re sure to find an assortment of mini tabletop games, including such classics as finger bowling, mini billiards, tiny golf sets, etc.  You should totally pick one of these up for the office.  When your coworkers think you’re wasting time by trying to get a 300 game in finger bowling, just explain to them that you’re merely relieving the stress caused by that 8:30 a.m. budget meeting.  They’ll understand.  Other related options include buying a Zen garden (you know, the little sandbox things with the bonsai trees and the little rake?) or a mini Etch-a-Sketch or something.

Count the tiles on your office ceiling:

This is a last resort, but it gets the job done.  Just lean way back in your chair, put your feet on your desk and look at the ceiling.  Again, when asked what you are doing, say that you are relieving stress.  Works every time.

So hopefully now, you’re a little less bored, and a little bit closer to the golden hour that is 5:00 p.m.  Glad I could be of service.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

Impactful (v.) – I recently heard this one on some long conference call with the obligatory 65 accompanying PowerPoint slides.  When I heard this, I totally didn’t think it was a word.  Thus, I went to Google to confirm.  And, as thought, impactful is not a word, but rather, a made-up word that people use in the corporate setting to sound more intelligent.  Gag.

ex. – Now, let’s discuss the key plays that are most impactful on the business’ bottom line.

What NOT to Put in Your Facebook Profile…

Like millions and millions of people around the world, you probably have at least one profile on a social networking site, such as Facebook, MySpace or LinkedIn.  Or, if you don’t have a profile on one of these sites, you certainly must be familiar with the buzz surrounding Web 2.0 and new media and all that fun stuff.

However, nowadays, our personal spaces on social networking sites are being invaded by work.  For example, you’re probably friends with a lot of your coworkers, or even bosses (I’m friends with three levels of bosses and former bosses on Facebook and LinkedIn…seriously).  You might even be in a few groups that are related to your company or its products.  Let’s face it:  the line between work and personal life is becoming almost nonexistent when it comes to social networking.

That being said…be sure not to make any of these mistakes in your profile.  If you do…then wow.

Rule #1:  Don’t Put Shady Things in Your Interests / Activities:

Can’t tell you how many times I’ve come across violations of this rule while religiously checking out my “friends’ ” profiles (I use quotes because we all know that approximately 75% of our so-called friends on Facebook and MySpace are casual acquaintances or people we haven’t even met).  There are always a few people who aren’t the brightest bulbs – or who think they’re really cool – and put really loser-esque things in their interests and activities.  Look at your list of friends – I’ll bet you that at least a dozen of them have “sex” in their activities or interests.  To paraphrase Rose on the Golden Girls “It was always my understanding that people who talk about it all the time don’t do it very often.”  And do you really want your boss reading that you’re a nympho?  Or that weird guy who sits in the cubicle next to you who sent you that friend request last week?  Ewww.  I 100% guarantee that no one wants to know if you’re doing that.  I also 100% guarantee that you won’t be doing that more often if you put it in your Facebook / MySpace interests.  And, I also 100% guarantee that it’s pretty much a given that you would enjoy such an activity.  Duh.  And if you put it in your profile just to be funny, news flash – it’s not.

There are probably still others on your list of friends who have “smoking boles,” “toking,” “getting high” or some other pot-related phrase in their interests.  This is also not recommended for coming across as a professional to your employer…for obvious reasons.  If you do that, that’s great for you.  I don’t think the rest of Facebook really cares.  Unless you’re looking for smoking buddies or a supplier or something?  I don’t know.  This is also probably not funny to your boss, who might be checking out your profile.  Putting this in your interests might cause colleagues to raise their eyebrows every time your eyes are bloodshot, and when you go out to your car during breaktime…

And finally, this one is probably in about 75% of college students’ / recent graduates’ profiles:  getting drunk.  Yes, I went to college and I’m well aware of what happens when class is over…or even while it’s in session.  I know it’s fun to go out and have drinks, and to party on weekends.  But if you’re an intern and are under 21, I’d leave it out of the profile.  Please note that the presence of this in your profile does NOT make you cool.  The ladies aren’t going to see this in there and throw themselves all over you.  Nope.  Anyway, since you’re in college, it’s pretty much implied that you could be drinking.  Do you really need to proclaim it to the world? 

By the way, I’d also recommend not joining fan pages / groups for these interests.  I noticed the sex fan page, for example.  Ummm yeahhh, I pretty much think that everybody on Facebook is an implied fan.

Rule #2:  Don’t Put Shady Pix Online

Seems obvious enough, and goes hand-in-hand with rule #1.  Too many people break this one, too.  I can’t tell you how many times I go online, and see that someone has posted some drinking album called “GeTTinG HaMMerED” or something to that effect (note the annoying use of alternating capital with lowercase letters that is likely in the name of the album).  These albums usually contain picture after picture of a bunch of co-eds hanging out at some generic, run-of-the-mill bar, which is probably sticky and smells like a mix of alcohol, too much cologne and sweat.  Okay, whatever, we all go out and hit up the bar once in a while.  But herein lies the issue:  when people have pix of them in bar doing such unprofessional things as licking people / objects, making lewd hand gestures, touching some guy’s butt or lifting up one’s shirt.  Yeahhhh.  I never really understood why people think that posting pictures of themselves looking like losers is cool.

Rule #3:  Don’t Put Stupid Things in Your Status

So it’s a really gorgeous Friday – the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and God knows you don’t want to wake up and go to work.  So, you call in “sick,” and play the big kid version of hooky.  Okay, we all need a personal day once in a while, as to avoid going insane because of too much work.  Understood.  However, the dumb part of this comes when people put this in their status messages, or post this on friends’ walls.  It’s probably not a good idea to feature “skipping out of work for the day” as your status message, especially when you’re friends with people from your office, and/or boss.  It is also not good to post on a friend’s wall that “we should grab drinks because I’m cutting work today.”  Also, bear in mind that you should not post any pictures from your “sick day” excursion.  Just a thought.

You might be thinking, “It’s my personal life, I can do what I want, work shouldn’t be checking up on me.”  And I’d agree with you – this is probably true.  But since employers have been known to check your social networking profile, I’d be smart about this, folks.  Also take note that the opposite principle holds true:  you don’t have to overly kiss corporate butt and put “workin’ for the man,” “going to the office” and “working on weekends” in your interests.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

“The messaging ball is bouncing” – Overheard on one of the many conference calls that take up approximately 30% of my work week.  This is a perfect example of a work metaphor going too far…and becoming convoluted in meaning.  Corporate messaging is not a ball.  And where exactly is it bouncing to?  You know when you’re doing karaoke, and the little ball bounces over the words?  Is that like this fabled messaging ball?  Or is the messaging ball more like playing hot potato, and you keep throwing it someone else so you don’t have to work on it?  Hmm…

The Corporate Word Translator

You’ve learned how to make your own Corporate Words, now, learn how to translate Corporate Speak to plain English!  Ever find yourself in meetings where practically every word that your bosses and coworkers utter is pure fluff?  Ever find youself staring at PowerPoint presentations, trying to make sense of all of the unnecessary flow charts and gibberish?  Well then, read on so you can finally crack the corporate code and know exactly what your colleagues are saying!  After reading this, you’ll be able to wow upper management with your awe-inspiring grasp of job jargon.

A list of common work words & phrases:

Actionable Insight – This seems to pop up a lot in corporate data sheets and white papers.  I guess it means, um, insight into your business?  Something like that?  Or maybe it doesn’t mean anything at all…hmm…

Business Benefits / Business Challenges – When marketing to other companies, corporations tend to specify types of challenges and benefits by using the modifier “business,” for some reason.  This just simply means “challenges” and “benefits.”  It really doesn’t make sense to include the word “business” in these phrases – I think customers realize that they are businesses without others telling them so.  Just a thought.

Core Competencies – This basically means “skills.”  Yup, just skills.

Driving a Cadence – You thought cadences just appeared in music, but not anymore!  Your manager might use this phrase when he or she actually means, “creating a schedule.”  Along those same lines, I’ve noticed that people are adapting non-work-related words to the workplace more and more.  For example, I’ve also heard of the “corporate ecosystem,” and the “pipeline of events,” and “starbursts of key priorities.”  Eww.

*Dynamic – This word once meant “pertaining to or characterized by energy or effective action,” according to dictionary.com.  Now, however, it’s pretty much lost all meaning.  I’ve seen this word in so many presentations, and heard it on so many conference calls, that this word has been reduced to mere corporate filler.  If you see or hear this word, just pretend that it’s not there:  the odds are, it really offers nothing to the sentence or phrase, and it’s just there because your coworker wants to sound, how shall we say, “dynamic.”

*Here are some other work words that also appear as filler:  innovative, robust, key, core, driving, spearheading, strategic, programmatic, informational

Key Plays – So you just got an e-mail, and attached is a PowerPoint presentation with the new boss’ “key plays.”  Now, what the heck does that mean?  Well, key plays, put very simply, means “goals.”  Saying “key plays” just makes the goals sound more lofty and well-developed.

Strategic Initiatives – This just translates to “strategies.”  Remember how in middle school, you learned to be concise with your writing and speaking?  Well, just bear in mind that when writing or speaking at work, this principle goes out the door.  At work, the more unnecessary words, the better.

Synergy – This word is soooo 1990’s Corporate America, but it still pops up in conversation at least biweekly.  People should really just say, “cooperation.”  Or, “working together.”  Or anything else.  Seriously.

Some tips for speaking / writing for the workplace:

Always make an acronym for something.  Even when it really isn’t applicable.  For example, a phrase such as “have a meeting after lunch” can be made into HML.  “Presenting in a meeting” can be PM.  You get the picture.

Use a lot of unnecessary adjectives.  The filler words mentioned earlier are great for this purpose.

Give really simple things complicated names in order to sound smarter.  “Actionable insight” is a prime example of this practice.  For instance, you can call “learning,” “key intelligence enhancement initiatives.”  “Making a spreadsheet” can be “compiling a centralized, aligned source of table-formatted information for ease of viewing.” 

Corporate Word of the week:

Auditability (n.) – In the spirit of tax season, I’ve decided to feature this word.  This is not actually a word – what this means is “something that can be audited,” or, “something that is likely to be audited.”  Like taxes.  Yay.

Example – The company’s tax returns were not done correctly, and have much auditability.

How to Make Your Own “Corporate Words”

Thanks to my fiance for this idea! 😉

Sometimes (okay, most of the time), when we’re at the office, it’s like we have to speak a different language as to efficiently communicate with bosses and colleagues.  If you’ve ever worked in an office or cubicle in the corporate environment, you know what I’m talking about, and are probably nodding your head and chuckling right about now.  It’s almost like, the second you put on your button down shirt and khakis in the morning, or the instant you slip on those pointy-toed high heels that make that satisfying, important-sounding click-click sound as you walk, you find yourself in an entirely different frame of mind.

At home, or with your friends, you might say, “That sounds great,” or, “What are we doing for lunch?”  But at work, the translation of these common phrases would be, “Why, that appears to be optimal,” or, “What is the official game plan for the designated lunch hour?”

However, sometimes, it seems as if work people get tired of using “dynamic,” “optimal,” “strategy,” “innovative,” “key plays” and “core efficiencies” ad nauseum in every meeting and conference call.  So people start getting creative.  That’s when you start to hear the ever-so-nonexistent words that I feature in my “Corporate Word of the Week” spot.  So how do work people go about making strange-sounding words to make themselves sound smart, and like they know what they’re talking about?  Well, I’m here to let you in on some secrets that will help you spew corporate jargon like no other, and that will make you the star at your next meeting.

Tip #1:

Turn existing nouns into nonexistent verbs.  Ever wonder where words like “incentivize” and “operationalizing” come from?  Do you want to sound really corporate on that next phone call with the boss’ boss?  Well, look no further; these words were spawned by a professional using Corporate Word Generator Tip #1. 

Let’s practice Tip #1 by trying this exercise together.

Step 1:  Write down a few nouns that you use in your everyday work life.  They can be programs you use, things on the corporate website, or nouns you hear on conference calls.  For example, you might write down “PowerPoint,” “reorganization,” “spreadsheet” and “coffee.” 

Step 2:  Take these words, and transform them into verbs.  This can be done by simply adding the suffix “-ing” to the end of these nouns.  Now that these words have been corporatized (See?  I just made up a word!), you have “PowerPointing,” “reorganizationing” (optionally, “reorganizationalizing”), “spreadsheeting” and “coffeeing.”

Step 3:  Practice using these words in sentences, so that you will be familiar with them, and ready to use them by the time your next meeting rolls around.   

PowerPointing – I’m busy PowerPointing the presentation for the budget meeting later this afternoon.

Reorganizationing – Since Ms. Bosslady is reorganizationing the team, I’ll be in a new job role next month. 

**Note that you could just say “reorganizing,” but that wouldn’t sound too corporate, now would it?

Spreadsheeting – Using Microsoft Excel, I’m spreadsheeting all of the press opportunities we have to offer our customers.

Coffeeing – If we arrive at the office at 8:30, that will allow for some coffeeing before the big meeting at 9.

Tip #2:

Turn existing nouns and verbs into nonexistent adjectives.  This is how common office words such as “organizationable” and “performant” are born.  Once you’ve mastered Tip #1, you’re ready to take this next challenge.

Let’s practice Corporate Word Generator Tip #2 together.

Step 1:  Think of a few nouns and verbs that you commonly use and overhear at the office.  Some words you use might include, but are not limited to, “brainstorm,” execution,” “synergy” and “innovation.”

Step 2:  Take this list of nouns and verbs, and turn them into adjectives by adding “-ant,”  “-able,” or “-izable.”  Brainstorm becomes “brainstormant.”  Execution becomes “executionable.”  Synergy becomes “synergizable.”  Innovation becomes “innovationalizable.” 

**Note that even if the noun or verb you’re converting already has an adjective version of itself that is, in fact, an acceptable word, you may not use the actual word.  To sound smart and businesslike at meetings, you must use the made-up, corporatized version of that word.

Step 3:  Now you’re ready to use your newly made, corporatized words!  Let’s practice putting them into sentences before your next meeting.

Brainstormant – The meeting proved very brainstormant, since we came up with a lot of new marketing ideas.

Executionable – Mr. Bossdude likes when we come up with highly executionable key plays to sell our products.

Synergizable – If we all put our heads and collective strategies together, we’ll have a corporately synergizable team on our hands. 

Innovationalizable – This new technology is very innovationalizable, and allows for our customers to use it in new and different ways to grow business.

Bearing in mind these two simple tips, you’ll now be able to spew corporate B.S. with the utmost of ease!  In order to get to the highly advanced point of making up these words off the top of your head, I recommend practicing with the Corporate Word Generator Tips at least once or twice per week.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Umm, pretty much all of the ones I just made up in this post.  😛

The Layoff Guide: Boss’ Edition

The economy is going all sorts of crazy, which means that more and more businesses are being forced to cut back on costs.  Unfortunately, sometimes “cutting costs” translates to laying off employees.  No one wants to deal with this ghastly business, but hey, it happens. 

So you’re a manager at Big Company X, and you have to lay off one person on the team you manage.  But everyone is good at what they do!  They all do a good job, they all show up on time, and no one really deserves to get the boot more than anyone else.  Whatever do you do?  Here’s what I propose:  make the layoffs fun, and turn it into a game!

Layoff “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”:

This method of laying off employees can also be used to determine how much $ you get for a raise.  So you hold a conference call, or call everyone into the meeting room, letting them know that you’re going to discuss something serious.  But then, you put each of your employees in the “hot seat,” and ask them a series of questions in ascending difficulty, as per the game show, “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”.  You can change the title to “Who Doesn’t Want to Get Laid off?,” though.  You should definitely make the questions all relate to the company so you can assess who is the most loyal employee, and who has done the most company research.  Obviously, the person who gets the least amount of questions correct gets laid off.

When using this game to determine raises, change the scale.  You know that Big Company X isn’t giving anyone a million dollar raise.  Except for maybe Ms. Senior Vice President.  Make the highest questions worth $10,000, and make the lowest worth $1.  How funny would it be if one of your employees got a dollar raise?! 

Layoff “Jeopardy!”:

Use company-related questions for this, just as in the above-mentioned “Millionaire:  Layoff Edition. ”  Follow the general rules for this game show, using the traditional “you-give-the-answer-as-the-clue,-the-employee-has-to-word-the-response-as-a-question-format.”  Potential “Jeopardy!” categories could include:  “The  Boss’ Favorite Foods,”  “Name That Conference,”  “People Who Come in Late,” and “Whose Conference Call Number Is This?”  You can even add a twist to it:  Anyone who finishes in the negative numbers has to pay the company that much money, and get laid off.  Anyone who finishes in the positive numbers gets that money as a bonus.  Makes it more fun, huh?

Layoff “Monopoly”:

Make one of those personalized Monopoly boards to increase the excitement of this.  For example, I’d have “Monopoly:  IBM Edition.”  All of the properties around the board would be companies IBM has acquired / would like to acquire.  Houses and Hotels would become Labs and Office Buildings.  Board game pieces would include:  Dude in a Suit, Laptop, Briefcase, Data Sheet, and Cup of Coffee.

Follow your typical Monopoly rules for this, giving people “paychecks” whenever they pass Go, and sending them to jail (for some white collar crime).  This is a great game to use to decide layoffs, because it will tell you who the best performers are – who closes the most deals, who can make the company the most money, and who is the most shrewd businessperson.

Layoff “Scrabble”:

So you play a usual game of Scrabble, except there’s a catch:  you can only spell business-related words!  Acceptable words would include:  dynamic, data, info, incent, client, commute, coffee, lunch, meeting, etc.  When an employee doesn’t have a business word to put down, they have to put down something and then attempt to explain its relation to the land of Corporate America.  For instance, if someone spells “bull” – the person could say it refers to a bull market, and the bull people say at meetings.  This would allow them to remain in the game.  If the person spells something unrelated to work and can’t justify any relation, lay ’em off.

Layoff “American Idol:”

Have people “audition” for you, and make up songs about the company.  You, and a panel of other bosses, will then judge the contestants based on originality and creativity.  This method is both entertaining, and effective.  You can even use the company songs that people make up in advertising campaigns!  Sweet deal, huh?

Layoff “Survivor:”

Instead of sending people to a deserted island, you lock them in the conference room with limited coffee and donuts.  As the boss, you periodically go into the room and hold challenges for the employees.  These could include making a communications or marketing plan, or who can write a whitepaper the fastest, for example.  You then see who everybody wants to “vote off.”  This person then gets laid off.  This is a great way to do things because it encourages teamwork and healthy competition. 

Layoff “Sorry!”:

This one’s just plain funny.  Come on, how appropriate is this?  Whoever loses gets laid off, and you say “Sorry!”  Enough said.

And, when you’re done with layoffs, how to do the reorganization:

I’d like to thank my fiance for this idea. 😉

Rather than having meeting after meeting after meeting to decide the new reporting structure and everybody’s spot on the totem pole, just throw things into a hat.  Get two hats:  one for the slips of paper with job roles written on them, the other for the papers with salaries on them.  It just makes life that much easier, and avoids the stress that is induced from too many hours in meetings and the nausea you can get from looking at too many PowerPoints and hierarchal charts of managers and direct reports.  So you call Ted’s name, and pull a paper out of the Job Role Hat:  He’s going to be the CEO.  You then pull a slip of paper out of the Salary Hat:  He’s going to get the pay of the intern.  Next up is Sally.  She’s going to report to herself as manager, and will get entry-level pay.  See how fun this can make things?

Corporate Word/Phrase of the Week:

“…the most marketing-weary universe on the planet” – I heard this on some marketing webcast this past week.  The person was saying something like, “Older generations are the most-marketing-weary universe on the planet when it comes to social media.”  Looks like someone forgot his basic cosmology.  Universe = larger than a planet, therefore, the universe cannot be contained on a planet.  Nice try at a metaphor, bud.

The Different Types of Work Days: Vol. I

So over the past couple of years, I’ve been taking note of the various types of work days that I encounter.  And, after charting them carefully and making copious mental notes, I’ve developed a way to identify each kind of work day and its defining characteristics.  This is volume I of the Different Types of Work Days Handbook.  Volume I consists of the most annoying types of work days and their frequency in occurring at your workplace.  This section lets you know when you can expect these pain-in-the-butt days so that you can mentally prepare for them.  Or call in sick.

Basically an Average Day (BAD):

BAD’s are pretty standard.  You have a decent amount of work – not too much, not too little.  Maybe you have a conference call or two, but you’re definitely not booked in meetings for the day.  You actually have enough time to eat lunch – and don’t have to work through it.  You can probably even spare 15 minutes to take an afternoon break.  All in all, this makes for a pretty tolerable, uneventful, okay day. 

*Note that BAD’s don’t occur too often – when they do, they are most frequently seen occurring on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Slow, Torturous Day (STD):

STD’s are awful.  You come to the office in the morning, turn on your laptop, and check your e-mail, waiting for a barrage of notes to respond to.  Unfortunately, you have about three e-mails – two that you were cc’ed on but don’t have to respond to, and one telling you how someone wants to be in your professional network on LinkedIn.  10:30 rolls around, and you’ve totally finished all of your work for the day.  You can’t even get a head start on anything because getting a head start requires actually having work to do.  Which you don’t.  You go on non-work-related websites, check some news sites, take your turns on the Facebook Scrabble app, and find yourself wishing that someone would send you an invite to a two-hour meeting.  It’s that bad.  The high point of your day is lunch – when you actually have something to do (i.e., eat).  The rest of the afternoon pretty much consists of you going on Facebook, LinkedIn, and YouTube about 20 times an hour, just to find out that none of your friends has updated at anything, most likely because they actually have work to do at work.

*Note that these days don’t mean you’re lazy, because with STD’s, you legitimately have nothing to do.  STD’s occur once or twice a week, on average.  Tuesday-Thursday are the most likely times for you to have an STD.

Doing A lot of Meaningless Nothing (DAMN):

DAMN’s are the polar opposites of STD’s.  You come into the office expecting to have five e-mails from the night before, and realize that you have 30.  And lucky for you, about 28 of these e-mails have to-do items in them.  Most of your action items outlined in these e-mails are totally pointless and tedious, but still, you have to have all of them done by the end of the day.  You also have four or five meetings that you have to present in.  DAMN’s usually don’t leave you any time for lunch – if you’re lucky, you can eat while you’re sending e-mails, updating spreadsheets, and making slide decks.  The afternoon consists of you frantically trying to finish all of your to-do’s so that you might leave at a reasonable hour.  When you have a DAMN day, you usually don’t leave the office until at least 6:00.

*Note:  You are most likely to find yourself in a DAMN on Monday or Friday.

Conferences:  Obligatory, and Not Fun (CONF):

CONF days are usually hectic, just like a DAMN day.  When you come into work in the morning, you check your calendar, and noticed that you’re booked for the entire day!  Sometimes even double-booked for some slots.  You typically have to present some slides, or at least say something intelligent on every single meeting when a CONF day comes up.  Most likely, these are all calls pertaining to your job role and the teams and projects you work on, thus preventing you from weaseling out of at least one meeting just so you can run to the bathroom, or maybe even *gasp* have lunch.  If you’re really lucky, you have calls with people from different time zones, so your onslaught of conferences starts at 7 a.m. and goes until 6 p.m.

*CONF days usually occur in the Monday-Thursday range.

Stay tuned for Volume 2…

Corporate Word of the Week:

keynoting (v.) – This is actually a word, but it annoys me because you could never use this word outside of a business setting without someone looking at you like you’re a nut.  Why can’t you just say, “giving the keynote speech?”

ex. – The software executive guy is keynoting the Information Initiative Innovations Conference in May.