Why am I doing your job?

Ever find yourself doing tasks that you’re pretty sure are not in your job description?  Ever feel like you’re doing someone else’s job for him or her?  Is there some annoying boss, leader or colleague at your company who keeps trying to pawn off work on you?  Does it seem like some people are doing any work at all, because they’re too busy dumping?

Yeah,  it’s all part of the life experience that is your job.  While this type of thing shouldn’t be happening at all, it seems like it occurs at almost every office.  There’s always that one person who likes to dump work on others, and then take the credit for it.  Sometimes, they’re so sneaky about it, you don’t even know when it’s happening.  In situations such as this, refer to this handy guide to get you out of what could be a day devoted to doing some monster project for your team leader while he puts his feet up on his desk and watches videos on YouTube all day.

Are you really busy right now?

This question begins the downward spiral.  Your colleague from down the hall pops her head in and asks what you’re up to.  Never say, “Not much,” or “Nothing” or “I’m not too busy at the moment.”  NEVER.  You’re always busy and don’t think you’ll have a free moment all week.  Even when you’re really not.  The second you indicate that you have even a second ‘s break in your workday, the Pawner will latch on and suck out all of your free time.  You’ll notice that the instant you say “Naw, not too much is happening right now,” the Pawner’s eyes will light up with a sort of twisted glee.  Visions of going on Facebook and long lunches go through their heads, as they prepare to dump piles and piles of work on you…

Could you do me a favor?

A classic move.  The Pawner will seemingly innocently pop her head through your office door and say, “Boy, I’m so swamped today.  Could you help me with something?”  Don’t be a martyr and say, “Sure,” or “What is it?”  You simply can’t let yourself get sucked into this vortex of utter annoyance.  Your response should be, “Oh, I know!  Mr. Bossdude is really loading it on this week!  I’m totally busy too, with my own workload!  My apologies that I can’t help out.”  Even if the only thing you have to do until lunch time is send one e-mail and twiddle your thumbs, you’re busy, got it?  About 99 percent of the time, the Pawner is crying wolf, and actually isn’t maxed out with work…so you have no reason to feel lazy or bad.  Now, the Pawner might also throw in, “If you help me out with this, I’ll definitely have to repay you when you’re bogged down.”  Note:  This will never happen.  Every time you go to the Pawner with the favor, she will say, “Oh, I’m really busy and can’t help today – maybe tomorrow.”

But you’re so good at this!

This is another common excuse used by the Pawner.  When the Pawner strikes with this tactic, he will use some form of flattery, such as “You’re really good at PowerPoint,” or “You’re so much better at this than I am,” to butter you up.  You’re thinking, “Wow, I’m glad people notice what I’m doing around here to contribute.”  But the Pawner is thinking, “Yay, someone to do my work!”  So, your response to this tactic should be, “But I think you’re really talented with this, too,” or “Well, this experience will really help you to gain proficiency.”  And just keep insisting on those points.  Ha, stumps ’em.

I think that’s part of your job, right?

Sometimes, the Pawner likes to play dumb.  The Pawner knows that the huge budget spreadsheet is not part of your job, but pretends not to know that.  If you ever hear someone utter this phrase in regard to offloading work, know that you’re dealing with a Pawner.  When someone says this to you, you simply respond, “No it’s not in my job description.”  Or, “I’m pretty sure that’s part of what you do – maybe you should check with the manager to be sure.”  The second you involve a higher authority in your retort, the Pawner will retreat back to his office in defeat.

The bosses really like to see this sort of thing!

So sometimes, the Pawner mosey on over to your cubicle with grunt work artfully disguised as an “opportunity.”  Always be wary of this wolf in sheep’s clothing.  The Pawner will say, “I have a really high-visibility project for you.  This will really make you look good to the boss!”  So your first thought should be, “If this project is so great and will impress the boss so much, why aren’t you doing it?”  Good question.  Sometimes people are actually nice and give you opportunities, but not a Pawner-type.  If the Pawner drops on by and says this to you, just reply, “Oh, well, you really deserve this opportunity, you’re such an asset to the company.”  Ha, in your face, Pawner.

Ending note:  Be ever vigilant and work defensively – you never know when a Pawner attack will occur!

Corporate Phrase of the Week:

“I feel like I’m giving birth to a new team” – I heard this on some organizational announcement call.  The new manager was just announced as handling both marketing and communications people, thus forming a new team.  Okay, fine.  But then, the new manager said, “I feel like I’m giving birth to a new team.”  Uhhh gross.  That’s really not the kind of visual you want on a conference call – you know, your manager in labor and all.  Especially if it’s a guy… 😛

The Different Types of Work Days: Vol. I

So over the past couple of years, I’ve been taking note of the various types of work days that I encounter.  And, after charting them carefully and making copious mental notes, I’ve developed a way to identify each kind of work day and its defining characteristics.  This is volume I of the Different Types of Work Days Handbook.  Volume I consists of the most annoying types of work days and their frequency in occurring at your workplace.  This section lets you know when you can expect these pain-in-the-butt days so that you can mentally prepare for them.  Or call in sick.

Basically an Average Day (BAD):

BAD’s are pretty standard.  You have a decent amount of work – not too much, not too little.  Maybe you have a conference call or two, but you’re definitely not booked in meetings for the day.  You actually have enough time to eat lunch – and don’t have to work through it.  You can probably even spare 15 minutes to take an afternoon break.  All in all, this makes for a pretty tolerable, uneventful, okay day. 

*Note that BAD’s don’t occur too often – when they do, they are most frequently seen occurring on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Slow, Torturous Day (STD):

STD’s are awful.  You come to the office in the morning, turn on your laptop, and check your e-mail, waiting for a barrage of notes to respond to.  Unfortunately, you have about three e-mails – two that you were cc’ed on but don’t have to respond to, and one telling you how someone wants to be in your professional network on LinkedIn.  10:30 rolls around, and you’ve totally finished all of your work for the day.  You can’t even get a head start on anything because getting a head start requires actually having work to do.  Which you don’t.  You go on non-work-related websites, check some news sites, take your turns on the Facebook Scrabble app, and find yourself wishing that someone would send you an invite to a two-hour meeting.  It’s that bad.  The high point of your day is lunch – when you actually have something to do (i.e., eat).  The rest of the afternoon pretty much consists of you going on Facebook, LinkedIn, and YouTube about 20 times an hour, just to find out that none of your friends has updated at anything, most likely because they actually have work to do at work.

*Note that these days don’t mean you’re lazy, because with STD’s, you legitimately have nothing to do.  STD’s occur once or twice a week, on average.  Tuesday-Thursday are the most likely times for you to have an STD.

Doing A lot of Meaningless Nothing (DAMN):

DAMN’s are the polar opposites of STD’s.  You come into the office expecting to have five e-mails from the night before, and realize that you have 30.  And lucky for you, about 28 of these e-mails have to-do items in them.  Most of your action items outlined in these e-mails are totally pointless and tedious, but still, you have to have all of them done by the end of the day.  You also have four or five meetings that you have to present in.  DAMN’s usually don’t leave you any time for lunch – if you’re lucky, you can eat while you’re sending e-mails, updating spreadsheets, and making slide decks.  The afternoon consists of you frantically trying to finish all of your to-do’s so that you might leave at a reasonable hour.  When you have a DAMN day, you usually don’t leave the office until at least 6:00.

*Note:  You are most likely to find yourself in a DAMN on Monday or Friday.

Conferences:  Obligatory, and Not Fun (CONF):

CONF days are usually hectic, just like a DAMN day.  When you come into work in the morning, you check your calendar, and noticed that you’re booked for the entire day!  Sometimes even double-booked for some slots.  You typically have to present some slides, or at least say something intelligent on every single meeting when a CONF day comes up.  Most likely, these are all calls pertaining to your job role and the teams and projects you work on, thus preventing you from weaseling out of at least one meeting just so you can run to the bathroom, or maybe even *gasp* have lunch.  If you’re really lucky, you have calls with people from different time zones, so your onslaught of conferences starts at 7 a.m. and goes until 6 p.m.

*CONF days usually occur in the Monday-Thursday range.

Stay tuned for Volume 2…

Corporate Word of the Week:

keynoting (v.) – This is actually a word, but it annoys me because you could never use this word outside of a business setting without someone looking at you like you’re a nut.  Why can’t you just say, “giving the keynote speech?”

ex. – The software executive guy is keynoting the Information Initiative Innovations Conference in May.

Getting to the Meat of Meetings

Ah, meetings – it seems no work week in Corporate America is quite complete without them.  Admittedly, sometimes I actually like having meetings – they kinda make me feel all important and professional and the such, and they’re a great way to kill time and make the work day go by faster.

However, attending at least one conference call on a daily basis for about the past year-and-a-half has led me to categorize them in a few ways.  Please refer to this as a handy guidebook to help you identify what type of meeting you are stuck in.  Also, make a note that hybrids of these meeting types have also been commonly sighted in the office habitat.

Meeting Type A: 

This kind of meeting is also known as a “Circular Meeting” (CM).  CM’s are characterized by people reiterating the same thing over and over again, and at the end, you realize you’re right back where you started, haven’t accomplished a thing, and need to schedule another meeting to attempt and accomplish the goal that the first meeting was intended to accomplish. 

For example, a typical Circular Meeting might go in such a way: 

Corporate Dude #1:  We need to get more customer testimonials for the product.

Corporate Dude #2:  I’ve found that potential customers like to hear about what other customers enjoy about our products, and I know that others’ experiences optimize their buying potential and embody what they want to hear about our key product areas.  More customer testimonials are just what we need.

Corporate Dude #3:  We really need to drive a cadence here, and need to lay out our roadmap going forward into next quarter.  We want to back up our best-of-breed products with robust, rich, client experiences.  We need to have more customer testimonials.

*Note how each person uses big words and impressive corporate speech to reiterate the same point.  The excessive tangents and fluff might mask the fact that you’re in a Circular Meeting, so beware!

Meeting Type B:

This meeting is also known as a “Stalemate Meeting” (SM).   In this type of conference, there are stubborn, type-A people who have differing opinions on how to accomplish something.  They refuse to budge, argue for the duration of the meeting, and accomplish a bunch of zilch in the end.  This meeting thus ends in a stalemate, and all further discussion has to be postponed until another meeting, where the same scenario occurs again.

Example:

Corporate Dude #1:  We should move all of our internal communications online, so we don’t send out so many e-mails.

Corporate Dude #2:  We should continue to send e-mails, no one will go online to read our communications.

Corporate Dude #1:  No, I think we definitely need to move everything online.  It’s the way of the future, and we definitely can’t just compromise and have both an e-mail and online component, because I’m clearly right about this.

Corporate Dude #2:  No, we need to send e-mails because no one can find anything online.  This is what works, and we totally can’t compromise, since I’m obviously the one who’s correct.

*Note how a simple compromise could effectively meet both parties needs, but no one will ever realize that.

Meeting Type C:

This type of meeting is called a “Meeting about a Meeting” (MaaM).  These conferences are usually held in advance of a meeting with some sort of boss / bigwig.  On these calls, the lower people on the corporate totem pole meet to discuss what they think the boss wants to see / hear at the next meeting.  On these calls, lengthy discussions are had as to what type of PowerPoint presentation the boss would like to see, what types of distracting pictures to include, and how to word things so as to make it seem like the team is doing more than in actuality.

Example:

Corporate Dude #1:  I think we should have a 50-slide PowerPoint for the next meeting with Ms. Bosswoman. 

Corporate Dude #2:  Definitely.  We should use many acronyms, pictures, and multi-syllabic words so that she will be so confused, she can’t possibly ask us questions as to what we’re actually doing.

*Note that these meetings are held in desperate attempts to cover one’s butt.  Also note that a simple e-mail or quick phone call would usually be just as effective as scheduling a Meeting about a Meeting.

Meeting Type D:

This category of meeting is also called a “Deja vu Meeting” (DVM).   At these meetings, you get the feeling that you had the same exact conversation at last week’s meeting.  And at the week before last week’s meeting.  You remember mentioning the same points, and the same ideas.  You realize that none of your ideas have been executed.

Example:

Last week’s meeting:

Corporate Dude #1:  We should include more links on the website.  What do you think?

Corporate Dude #2:  Yes, we need to link to our social networking ventures, our new customer videos, and the new data sheet.

This week’s meeting:

Corporate Dude #1:  I wanted to run the idea by you of having more links on the site.

Corporate Dude #2:  Yes, we need to link to our social networking ventures, our new customer videos, and the new data sheet.

*Note that Corporate Dude #1 really needs to start taking better notes / listening.

Meeting Type E:

These meetings are also called “Blink Meetings” (BM).  These types of meetings take approximately one minute, whereupon you realize that you totally could’ve just sent an e-mail.  And, you wonder why you just scheduled a half hour for a meeting in which you blinked about twice.

Example:

Corporate Dude #1:  Let’s discuss what to write about in the next press release.

Corporate Dude #2:  Okay, let me send you an e-mail with the ideas from the press team.  E-mail me back with your thoughts.

*Note that Corporate Dude #2 could’ve just sent the e-mail before the meeting.

Meeting Type F:

This is called an “Actual Meeting” (AM).  In AM’s, things actually get accomplished.  People talk about ideas, come up with a plan of action, and know what needs to be done.

Example:

Well, there is no example, because very few of these meetings exist in nature.  Only a handful of cases have been documented.

*Note that these meetings are extremely rare.  Once one occurs, you should realize that another likely won’t happen for about six months or so.

At any rate, when you find yourself in any of these meetings, I recommend playing Buzzword Bingo, as captured in this Dilbert comic that my fiance sent me. 🙂

Happy Friday!