What’s your job title?

So, in my experience with Corporate America, I’ve noticed that people have a lot of interesting job titles.  Some are confusing, some aren’t really true, and some just plain ol’ don’t make sense.  And, in case you were wondering, yes, this makes it very difficult to know what the people down the hall actually do for their careers. 

Experts in the field theorize that the reason for all of these BS titles is that Corporate America wants to confuse outsiders into taking it seriously, and wants to give its employees a false sense of ego inflation by doling out titles that sound impressive. 

In my experience, I’ve noticed that people’s BS titles typically fall into one of three categories, which I’ve outlined here for education purposes:

Um, could you explain what that means?

This is one of the most common buckets that BS job titles fall into.  Almost every day, either in e-mail signatures or in the company directory, I come across career titles that are basically meaningless to anyone outside the company. 

I won’t mention anyone’s actual title here, but it seem that some corporate titles are just a big bundle of ambiguity, like, “Initiatives Director,”  “Key Innovations Specialist,”  “Dynamic-Driven Consultant,” and “Manager of Directives.”  What does that actually mean?  Titles like this are so vague and convoluted that it’s almost always impossible to tell what the person does for a living. 

Note that you can make up your own BS, yet impressive-sounding job title simply by stringing a bunch of your fave corporate words together. 

How many vice presidents do we need?

This comprises yet another category of confusing job titles.  When I first started my job with Big Business, I was a bit perplexed.  It seemed that there were approximately 251 vice presidents for each area of the business.  This led me to think, “Why do we need that many?”  “Isn’t there usually only one?”  I mean, there aren’t multiple vice presidents of the United States.  There wasn’t more than one class vice president in school. 

This raises many a question in one’s mind.  Why are there so many vice presidents at work?  And if they’re all vice presidents, then who’s the president?  Is the CEO considered the president?  Is it the brand manager?  If something happens to the CEO, do all of the vice presidents assume his or her responsibilities?  And where exactly does the senior vice president come into play?  And why are there multiple SVP’s, too?  Can there be multiple CEO’s?  Can I be CEO?

Confusing, man.

But you’re not really a manager…

Here’s another confusing category of job titles.  I noticed when I first started in Corporate America that everybody has “manager” in his or her job description.  So, naturally, I assumed that these people were all manager-level employees, like my boss…aka, my manager.  So, come to find out, these people are managers only in the sense that they technically “manage” their own work , in that they complete it sometimes (and yes, in case you were wondering, I have the word “manager” in my job title :-P).

So does that mean I can call myself an executive because I “execute” my work projects?  Or am I a director because I can “direct” myself to work?

Hmm…

Corporate Word of the Week:

Choiceful (adj.) – This word appeared in a recent e-mail that I received about using the correct words in the branding of a new product release.  I believe the sentence was something like, “We need to be choiceful with our wording surrounding this launch.”  Um, I have news for you:  You need to be choiceful with your wording because choiceful isn’t a word.  Ha.

How to Make Your Own Marketing Phrases

Ever wonder how Big Business comes up with its marketing campaign names that are just bursting with buzzwords?  You know, the ones that they put at the end of TV commercials and in magazine advertisements that represent the latest corporate trends?  Ever wonder what the heck these phrases mean?

On the surface, these marketing phrases filled with strong action words and many-a-syllable seem very impressive.  However, when you step back and actually think about what these phrases mean, you don’t have a clue.  Well, I’ll let you in on a little inside secret:  it is widely theorized by researchers that these complex phrases mean absolutely nothing.  Top field researchers hypothesize that it’s something Corporate America does to sound intelligent, intimidate customers and competitors alike, and increase bottom line.  It is entirely within the realm of possibility that these phrases could possibly have a point, but Corporate America:  I’m on to you.

So now you might be wondering, “How does Big Business come up with these phrases?”  Well, there are a few widely accepted theories that I’ll share with the general public:

Method #1:

The first step is to get the dictionary of your choice.  Then, join a bunch of suit-clad colleagues in a big, overly air-conditioned grey conference room with lots of refreshments and big cushy leather executive-type chairs.  Then, simply go through the dictionary, point at random words, and string them together into a phrase.

Using this technique, and my trusty Scrabble dictionary, here’s what I came up with:

Randomly Chosen Words:  stable, fixture, organic, verbiage, grasp, linear, piddle, audit

Example Phrases:  Linear Verbiage, Organic Audit, Stable Fixture, Grasping Piddle

See, sounds like your company’s marketing campaign, right?  Maybe soon you’ll be working on advertising for the Organic Audit campaign.

Method #2:

This is a very popular method used by businesses everywhere, and has been widely used ever since the dawn of BS (note that the dawn of BS likely coincided with the birth of Big Business).   Companies often make use of this method on their corporate websites in really big letters on their home page. 

This method helps you make a simple, two-word marketing phrase that is lacking in any semblance of sense.  Just what corporate wants to see.  To make the first word of the phrase, take the comparative or superlative form of  an adjective.  For the second, pick your favorite corporate noun.

Examples:  Best Data, Newest Pipeline, Bigger Efficiencies, Cleaner Agenda

Hey, don’t be surprised if you see on some business site that Generic Company is about to announce its Cleaner Agenda marketing plan.

Method #3:

With this simple, surefire method, you can create a three-word phrase chock full of BS.  For the first word:  pick a coporatey-sounding noun.  The second word:  pick your favorite preposition.  The third word:  pick a businessy verb or noun.

Examples:  Innovation with Initiative,  Power in Action, Dynamics to Drive, Force through Assisting, Enterprise on Search

I could totally see Big Company X launching the Power in Action marketing campaign.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Thanks to one of my colleagues for sending this one over! 🙂

Quippocrite (n.) – This is a newly coined word used to refer to someone who sends an e-mail that is entirely contradictory to the inspirational quote that follows his or her signature.  A synonym for this is insigcere.

Example – You get an e-mail from Ms. Bosswoman where she’s going off on a rant about something inconsequential, and is essentially belittling people.  However, at the bottom of her e-mail, after her signature, you notice an inspirational quote that says something to the effect of “Kindness and respect are the foundations of a good business.”  This person would be a prime example of a quippocrite.

Why am I doing your job?

Ever find yourself doing tasks that you’re pretty sure are not in your job description?  Ever feel like you’re doing someone else’s job for him or her?  Is there some annoying boss, leader or colleague at your company who keeps trying to pawn off work on you?  Does it seem like some people are doing any work at all, because they’re too busy dumping?

Yeah,  it’s all part of the life experience that is your job.  While this type of thing shouldn’t be happening at all, it seems like it occurs at almost every office.  There’s always that one person who likes to dump work on others, and then take the credit for it.  Sometimes, they’re so sneaky about it, you don’t even know when it’s happening.  In situations such as this, refer to this handy guide to get you out of what could be a day devoted to doing some monster project for your team leader while he puts his feet up on his desk and watches videos on YouTube all day.

Are you really busy right now?

This question begins the downward spiral.  Your colleague from down the hall pops her head in and asks what you’re up to.  Never say, “Not much,” or “Nothing” or “I’m not too busy at the moment.”  NEVER.  You’re always busy and don’t think you’ll have a free moment all week.  Even when you’re really not.  The second you indicate that you have even a second ‘s break in your workday, the Pawner will latch on and suck out all of your free time.  You’ll notice that the instant you say “Naw, not too much is happening right now,” the Pawner’s eyes will light up with a sort of twisted glee.  Visions of going on Facebook and long lunches go through their heads, as they prepare to dump piles and piles of work on you…

Could you do me a favor?

A classic move.  The Pawner will seemingly innocently pop her head through your office door and say, “Boy, I’m so swamped today.  Could you help me with something?”  Don’t be a martyr and say, “Sure,” or “What is it?”  You simply can’t let yourself get sucked into this vortex of utter annoyance.  Your response should be, “Oh, I know!  Mr. Bossdude is really loading it on this week!  I’m totally busy too, with my own workload!  My apologies that I can’t help out.”  Even if the only thing you have to do until lunch time is send one e-mail and twiddle your thumbs, you’re busy, got it?  About 99 percent of the time, the Pawner is crying wolf, and actually isn’t maxed out with work…so you have no reason to feel lazy or bad.  Now, the Pawner might also throw in, “If you help me out with this, I’ll definitely have to repay you when you’re bogged down.”  Note:  This will never happen.  Every time you go to the Pawner with the favor, she will say, “Oh, I’m really busy and can’t help today – maybe tomorrow.”

But you’re so good at this!

This is another common excuse used by the Pawner.  When the Pawner strikes with this tactic, he will use some form of flattery, such as “You’re really good at PowerPoint,” or “You’re so much better at this than I am,” to butter you up.  You’re thinking, “Wow, I’m glad people notice what I’m doing around here to contribute.”  But the Pawner is thinking, “Yay, someone to do my work!”  So, your response to this tactic should be, “But I think you’re really talented with this, too,” or “Well, this experience will really help you to gain proficiency.”  And just keep insisting on those points.  Ha, stumps ’em.

I think that’s part of your job, right?

Sometimes, the Pawner likes to play dumb.  The Pawner knows that the huge budget spreadsheet is not part of your job, but pretends not to know that.  If you ever hear someone utter this phrase in regard to offloading work, know that you’re dealing with a Pawner.  When someone says this to you, you simply respond, “No it’s not in my job description.”  Or, “I’m pretty sure that’s part of what you do – maybe you should check with the manager to be sure.”  The second you involve a higher authority in your retort, the Pawner will retreat back to his office in defeat.

The bosses really like to see this sort of thing!

So sometimes, the Pawner mosey on over to your cubicle with grunt work artfully disguised as an “opportunity.”  Always be wary of this wolf in sheep’s clothing.  The Pawner will say, “I have a really high-visibility project for you.  This will really make you look good to the boss!”  So your first thought should be, “If this project is so great and will impress the boss so much, why aren’t you doing it?”  Good question.  Sometimes people are actually nice and give you opportunities, but not a Pawner-type.  If the Pawner drops on by and says this to you, just reply, “Oh, well, you really deserve this opportunity, you’re such an asset to the company.”  Ha, in your face, Pawner.

Ending note:  Be ever vigilant and work defensively – you never know when a Pawner attack will occur!

Corporate Phrase of the Week:

“I feel like I’m giving birth to a new team” – I heard this on some organizational announcement call.  The new manager was just announced as handling both marketing and communications people, thus forming a new team.  Okay, fine.  But then, the new manager said, “I feel like I’m giving birth to a new team.”  Uhhh gross.  That’s really not the kind of visual you want on a conference call – you know, your manager in labor and all.  Especially if it’s a guy… 😛

My Status on Status Reporting

So amidst all of the tasks that I complete over the course of a workweek in Corporate America, I have to say that there is one thing that can at times be the bane of my existence:  status reporting.  Status reports can come in a variety of forms, and can sometimes be so well-disguised, that you aren’t even conscious of the fact that you’re reporting the status of anything.  They are often next to pointless, and are only thrust upon you so that you can report numbers to your boss who will then, in turn, show them to her boss, and so on and so forth.  Corporate researchers are still unable to find an actual purpose to this baffling practice.

Some types of status reports I’ve encountered in my work experience:

The Status Report Spreadsheet (SRS):

This is one of the more traditional forms of status reporting.  Mr. Bossguy tells you that he wants to see some numbers, letting him know how many new clients your team secured over the past month, versus last month, measured up to the yearly targets set by corporate.  Okay, so it makes sense that this info is good to know.  But the thing is, what should be a matter of plugging in some basic numbers turns into having the absolute exact number with no margin of error, put into this official impractical template designed by some dude in corporate who has never actually used the spreadsheet.  Typically, when you fill out this spreadsheet with your status numbers and send to the boss, he will not even focus on the numbers, but will complain that you used the wrong font size and color.  This, in essence, wastes the time that you could be using to actually do the thing that your boss wants you to report that status of.  This is, universally, regarded as one of the big OMG’s – Office Mysteries that are Great.

The Status Report Conference Call (SRCC):

After you fill out the SRS, you will likely be asked to present these numbers on a Status Report Conference Call (SRCC).  This call will likely last 1-2 hours, and will typically end with a bunch of angry executives complaining about how the yearly targets won’t be met, or how they aren’t “aggressive enough.”  Also, there will be that one nitpicker who complains that your template doesn’t exactly match the almighty corporate reporting guidelines.  After the SRCC, you will be left with more work to do on the status report, which will most likely keep you busy up until the interval when the next status report is due.  At that time, you will have nothing to report since you just spent all of your time reporting the status, rather than having an actual status to report.  Quite the paradox.

The Status of Status (SOS):

This is, perhaps, the most annoying type of status:  the infamous Status of Status, aptly known as the SOS.  Before you submit the status spreadsheet to the boss – the status spreadsheet that you’ve been tweaking and retweaking for about the past 2 weeks – your colleague decides that it would be a good idea to hold a call about the spreadsheet to discuss the numbers that you’re planning to plug in.  This is the dreaded SOS.  Just a thought – if status reporting is so complicated that you need another call to discuss the status of your status reporting, then this just might be a bit counterproductive.  The best is when another colleague wants to talk to you in advance of your call with the other colleague to discuss the report for the boss – this is the status of the status of the status, which is simply known as “stupidity.”

Corporate Word of the Week:

“Hold their feet to the fire” – I think I threw up a little when I heard this phrase uttered by Ms. Loudwoman across the hall.  She was talking to her boss about her colleagues who still needed to submit their work on a project, and said that, “I really need to hold their feet to the fire on this, and get those product launch slides from them.”  Ummm what?  What’s wrong with just saying some other less annoying cliche, like “they need to own up?”  Also, this sounds a bit twisted – like an ancient pagan ritual or something.  Corporations today – where do they get this stuff?

Is it 5:00 yet?

It’s 2:00 p.m. on a Tuesday – lunch is an hour behind you, and the end of the day is still 3 hours away.  You’ve just finished up all of your work, your boss is on vacation and your boss’ boss is at Some Company Conference.  Translation:  you’re bored, you’re out of work to do, and no one is around to give you more work to keep you entertained.  Of course, you can’t just leave – it would be awesome if you could, but that would come across as, well, lazy and unprofessional.  And you don’t want to give that impression.  So what do you do for the rest of the day?  How do you give off the illusion that you’re doing work to your colleagues in the surrounding cubicles, without actually doing any?

Here are a few pointers:  (*Disclaimer:  Note that this is only recommended if you have absolutely nothing to do, and have exhausted all other ways to possibly find more work for yourself.  In other words, I’m not condoning being a lazy bum.  Also note that I don’t personally do any of these things, but they’re funny in theory. :-P)

Go on some sort of social networking site:

So you probably have at least one social networking account, be it on Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, etc.  So if your company hasn’t blocked those pages, totally go on one of those sites.  Update your profile, change your picture, maybe play a little Scrabble on that Facebook app you downloaded.  You might be thinking, “What if Nosy Coworker walks by and sees what I’m doing?”  Never fear – you just tell them that you’re researching ways for your company to get involved in the Web 2.0 space.  What if you’re in the middle of playing a game, or taking a quiz on a Facebook or MySpace app?  Then you simply explain that you’re looking into creating a social marketing application for your company.  There’s no way to prove that you’re not doing that…it’s pure genius.

Go to the bathroom:

Okay, so you’re probably thinking that this doesn’t waste too much time.  There’s where you’re wrong – it has loads of time-killing potential.  So you saunter down the rows of offices to the bathroom, go in and just hang for a while.  Maybe pull out your phone and start texting some friends for happy hour plans.  Take out your iPod and listen to a few songs.  This can shave anywhere from 10-20 minutes off your work day.  You might wonder, “Will people get suspicious?”  Maybe if you do that all the time.  But if you take a Long Bathroom Visit about once or twice per week, no one will be the wiser.  And why?  Because no one ever wants to know about the business you were conducting in the bathroom.  Pun intended.

Make a trip to the vending machine:

This is one of the most classic ways to waste time.  Now when you do this, make sure you choose the vending machine that is furthest away from your office, preferably even in another building.  No one will catch on, because you merely state that the vending machine close to you never has the food/soda you like the best, and/or is broken.  So then you get to the vending machine, purposely not having brought enough change, or no bill lower than a $20.  So then you have to go to the change machine – which is near the cafeteria in that other building.  So you go there.  Then you finally get some sort of sustenance – whether or not you’re actually hungry.  This is guaranteed to take up about 15 minutes – not too little time, and not too much to make coworkers wonder.  And to waste even more time, and to be the most popular worker in your row of cubicles – ask everyone around you if they want you to get them a snack, too.

Get one of those tabletop games:

Go to any toy store, and you’re sure to find an assortment of mini tabletop games, including such classics as finger bowling, mini billiards, tiny golf sets, etc.  You should totally pick one of these up for the office.  When your coworkers think you’re wasting time by trying to get a 300 game in finger bowling, just explain to them that you’re merely relieving the stress caused by that 8:30 a.m. budget meeting.  They’ll understand.  Other related options include buying a Zen garden (you know, the little sandbox things with the bonsai trees and the little rake?) or a mini Etch-a-Sketch or something.

Count the tiles on your office ceiling:

This is a last resort, but it gets the job done.  Just lean way back in your chair, put your feet on your desk and look at the ceiling.  Again, when asked what you are doing, say that you are relieving stress.  Works every time.

So hopefully now, you’re a little less bored, and a little bit closer to the golden hour that is 5:00 p.m.  Glad I could be of service.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

Impactful (v.) – I recently heard this one on some long conference call with the obligatory 65 accompanying PowerPoint slides.  When I heard this, I totally didn’t think it was a word.  Thus, I went to Google to confirm.  And, as thought, impactful is not a word, but rather, a made-up word that people use in the corporate setting to sound more intelligent.  Gag.

ex. – Now, let’s discuss the key plays that are most impactful on the business’ bottom line.

The Corporate Word Translator

You’ve learned how to make your own Corporate Words, now, learn how to translate Corporate Speak to plain English!  Ever find yourself in meetings where practically every word that your bosses and coworkers utter is pure fluff?  Ever find youself staring at PowerPoint presentations, trying to make sense of all of the unnecessary flow charts and gibberish?  Well then, read on so you can finally crack the corporate code and know exactly what your colleagues are saying!  After reading this, you’ll be able to wow upper management with your awe-inspiring grasp of job jargon.

A list of common work words & phrases:

Actionable Insight – This seems to pop up a lot in corporate data sheets and white papers.  I guess it means, um, insight into your business?  Something like that?  Or maybe it doesn’t mean anything at all…hmm…

Business Benefits / Business Challenges – When marketing to other companies, corporations tend to specify types of challenges and benefits by using the modifier “business,” for some reason.  This just simply means “challenges” and “benefits.”  It really doesn’t make sense to include the word “business” in these phrases – I think customers realize that they are businesses without others telling them so.  Just a thought.

Core Competencies – This basically means “skills.”  Yup, just skills.

Driving a Cadence – You thought cadences just appeared in music, but not anymore!  Your manager might use this phrase when he or she actually means, “creating a schedule.”  Along those same lines, I’ve noticed that people are adapting non-work-related words to the workplace more and more.  For example, I’ve also heard of the “corporate ecosystem,” and the “pipeline of events,” and “starbursts of key priorities.”  Eww.

*Dynamic – This word once meant “pertaining to or characterized by energy or effective action,” according to dictionary.com.  Now, however, it’s pretty much lost all meaning.  I’ve seen this word in so many presentations, and heard it on so many conference calls, that this word has been reduced to mere corporate filler.  If you see or hear this word, just pretend that it’s not there:  the odds are, it really offers nothing to the sentence or phrase, and it’s just there because your coworker wants to sound, how shall we say, “dynamic.”

*Here are some other work words that also appear as filler:  innovative, robust, key, core, driving, spearheading, strategic, programmatic, informational

Key Plays – So you just got an e-mail, and attached is a PowerPoint presentation with the new boss’ “key plays.”  Now, what the heck does that mean?  Well, key plays, put very simply, means “goals.”  Saying “key plays” just makes the goals sound more lofty and well-developed.

Strategic Initiatives – This just translates to “strategies.”  Remember how in middle school, you learned to be concise with your writing and speaking?  Well, just bear in mind that when writing or speaking at work, this principle goes out the door.  At work, the more unnecessary words, the better.

Synergy – This word is soooo 1990’s Corporate America, but it still pops up in conversation at least biweekly.  People should really just say, “cooperation.”  Or, “working together.”  Or anything else.  Seriously.

Some tips for speaking / writing for the workplace:

Always make an acronym for something.  Even when it really isn’t applicable.  For example, a phrase such as “have a meeting after lunch” can be made into HML.  “Presenting in a meeting” can be PM.  You get the picture.

Use a lot of unnecessary adjectives.  The filler words mentioned earlier are great for this purpose.

Give really simple things complicated names in order to sound smarter.  “Actionable insight” is a prime example of this practice.  For instance, you can call “learning,” “key intelligence enhancement initiatives.”  “Making a spreadsheet” can be “compiling a centralized, aligned source of table-formatted information for ease of viewing.” 

Corporate Word of the week:

Auditability (n.) – In the spirit of tax season, I’ve decided to feature this word.  This is not actually a word – what this means is “something that can be audited,” or, “something that is likely to be audited.”  Like taxes.  Yay.

Example – The company’s tax returns were not done correctly, and have much auditability.

How to Make Your Own “Corporate Words”

Thanks to my fiance for this idea! 😉

Sometimes (okay, most of the time), when we’re at the office, it’s like we have to speak a different language as to efficiently communicate with bosses and colleagues.  If you’ve ever worked in an office or cubicle in the corporate environment, you know what I’m talking about, and are probably nodding your head and chuckling right about now.  It’s almost like, the second you put on your button down shirt and khakis in the morning, or the instant you slip on those pointy-toed high heels that make that satisfying, important-sounding click-click sound as you walk, you find yourself in an entirely different frame of mind.

At home, or with your friends, you might say, “That sounds great,” or, “What are we doing for lunch?”  But at work, the translation of these common phrases would be, “Why, that appears to be optimal,” or, “What is the official game plan for the designated lunch hour?”

However, sometimes, it seems as if work people get tired of using “dynamic,” “optimal,” “strategy,” “innovative,” “key plays” and “core efficiencies” ad nauseum in every meeting and conference call.  So people start getting creative.  That’s when you start to hear the ever-so-nonexistent words that I feature in my “Corporate Word of the Week” spot.  So how do work people go about making strange-sounding words to make themselves sound smart, and like they know what they’re talking about?  Well, I’m here to let you in on some secrets that will help you spew corporate jargon like no other, and that will make you the star at your next meeting.

Tip #1:

Turn existing nouns into nonexistent verbs.  Ever wonder where words like “incentivize” and “operationalizing” come from?  Do you want to sound really corporate on that next phone call with the boss’ boss?  Well, look no further; these words were spawned by a professional using Corporate Word Generator Tip #1. 

Let’s practice Tip #1 by trying this exercise together.

Step 1:  Write down a few nouns that you use in your everyday work life.  They can be programs you use, things on the corporate website, or nouns you hear on conference calls.  For example, you might write down “PowerPoint,” “reorganization,” “spreadsheet” and “coffee.” 

Step 2:  Take these words, and transform them into verbs.  This can be done by simply adding the suffix “-ing” to the end of these nouns.  Now that these words have been corporatized (See?  I just made up a word!), you have “PowerPointing,” “reorganizationing” (optionally, “reorganizationalizing”), “spreadsheeting” and “coffeeing.”

Step 3:  Practice using these words in sentences, so that you will be familiar with them, and ready to use them by the time your next meeting rolls around.   

PowerPointing – I’m busy PowerPointing the presentation for the budget meeting later this afternoon.

Reorganizationing – Since Ms. Bosslady is reorganizationing the team, I’ll be in a new job role next month. 

**Note that you could just say “reorganizing,” but that wouldn’t sound too corporate, now would it?

Spreadsheeting – Using Microsoft Excel, I’m spreadsheeting all of the press opportunities we have to offer our customers.

Coffeeing – If we arrive at the office at 8:30, that will allow for some coffeeing before the big meeting at 9.

Tip #2:

Turn existing nouns and verbs into nonexistent adjectives.  This is how common office words such as “organizationable” and “performant” are born.  Once you’ve mastered Tip #1, you’re ready to take this next challenge.

Let’s practice Corporate Word Generator Tip #2 together.

Step 1:  Think of a few nouns and verbs that you commonly use and overhear at the office.  Some words you use might include, but are not limited to, “brainstorm,” execution,” “synergy” and “innovation.”

Step 2:  Take this list of nouns and verbs, and turn them into adjectives by adding “-ant,”  “-able,” or “-izable.”  Brainstorm becomes “brainstormant.”  Execution becomes “executionable.”  Synergy becomes “synergizable.”  Innovation becomes “innovationalizable.” 

**Note that even if the noun or verb you’re converting already has an adjective version of itself that is, in fact, an acceptable word, you may not use the actual word.  To sound smart and businesslike at meetings, you must use the made-up, corporatized version of that word.

Step 3:  Now you’re ready to use your newly made, corporatized words!  Let’s practice putting them into sentences before your next meeting.

Brainstormant – The meeting proved very brainstormant, since we came up with a lot of new marketing ideas.

Executionable – Mr. Bossdude likes when we come up with highly executionable key plays to sell our products.

Synergizable – If we all put our heads and collective strategies together, we’ll have a corporately synergizable team on our hands. 

Innovationalizable – This new technology is very innovationalizable, and allows for our customers to use it in new and different ways to grow business.

Bearing in mind these two simple tips, you’ll now be able to spew corporate B.S. with the utmost of ease!  In order to get to the highly advanced point of making up these words off the top of your head, I recommend practicing with the Corporate Word Generator Tips at least once or twice per week.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Umm, pretty much all of the ones I just made up in this post.  😛

The Layoff Guide: Boss’ Edition

The economy is going all sorts of crazy, which means that more and more businesses are being forced to cut back on costs.  Unfortunately, sometimes “cutting costs” translates to laying off employees.  No one wants to deal with this ghastly business, but hey, it happens. 

So you’re a manager at Big Company X, and you have to lay off one person on the team you manage.  But everyone is good at what they do!  They all do a good job, they all show up on time, and no one really deserves to get the boot more than anyone else.  Whatever do you do?  Here’s what I propose:  make the layoffs fun, and turn it into a game!

Layoff “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”:

This method of laying off employees can also be used to determine how much $ you get for a raise.  So you hold a conference call, or call everyone into the meeting room, letting them know that you’re going to discuss something serious.  But then, you put each of your employees in the “hot seat,” and ask them a series of questions in ascending difficulty, as per the game show, “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”.  You can change the title to “Who Doesn’t Want to Get Laid off?,” though.  You should definitely make the questions all relate to the company so you can assess who is the most loyal employee, and who has done the most company research.  Obviously, the person who gets the least amount of questions correct gets laid off.

When using this game to determine raises, change the scale.  You know that Big Company X isn’t giving anyone a million dollar raise.  Except for maybe Ms. Senior Vice President.  Make the highest questions worth $10,000, and make the lowest worth $1.  How funny would it be if one of your employees got a dollar raise?! 

Layoff “Jeopardy!”:

Use company-related questions for this, just as in the above-mentioned “Millionaire:  Layoff Edition. ”  Follow the general rules for this game show, using the traditional “you-give-the-answer-as-the-clue,-the-employee-has-to-word-the-response-as-a-question-format.”  Potential “Jeopardy!” categories could include:  “The  Boss’ Favorite Foods,”  “Name That Conference,”  “People Who Come in Late,” and “Whose Conference Call Number Is This?”  You can even add a twist to it:  Anyone who finishes in the negative numbers has to pay the company that much money, and get laid off.  Anyone who finishes in the positive numbers gets that money as a bonus.  Makes it more fun, huh?

Layoff “Monopoly”:

Make one of those personalized Monopoly boards to increase the excitement of this.  For example, I’d have “Monopoly:  IBM Edition.”  All of the properties around the board would be companies IBM has acquired / would like to acquire.  Houses and Hotels would become Labs and Office Buildings.  Board game pieces would include:  Dude in a Suit, Laptop, Briefcase, Data Sheet, and Cup of Coffee.

Follow your typical Monopoly rules for this, giving people “paychecks” whenever they pass Go, and sending them to jail (for some white collar crime).  This is a great game to use to decide layoffs, because it will tell you who the best performers are – who closes the most deals, who can make the company the most money, and who is the most shrewd businessperson.

Layoff “Scrabble”:

So you play a usual game of Scrabble, except there’s a catch:  you can only spell business-related words!  Acceptable words would include:  dynamic, data, info, incent, client, commute, coffee, lunch, meeting, etc.  When an employee doesn’t have a business word to put down, they have to put down something and then attempt to explain its relation to the land of Corporate America.  For instance, if someone spells “bull” – the person could say it refers to a bull market, and the bull people say at meetings.  This would allow them to remain in the game.  If the person spells something unrelated to work and can’t justify any relation, lay ’em off.

Layoff “American Idol:”

Have people “audition” for you, and make up songs about the company.  You, and a panel of other bosses, will then judge the contestants based on originality and creativity.  This method is both entertaining, and effective.  You can even use the company songs that people make up in advertising campaigns!  Sweet deal, huh?

Layoff “Survivor:”

Instead of sending people to a deserted island, you lock them in the conference room with limited coffee and donuts.  As the boss, you periodically go into the room and hold challenges for the employees.  These could include making a communications or marketing plan, or who can write a whitepaper the fastest, for example.  You then see who everybody wants to “vote off.”  This person then gets laid off.  This is a great way to do things because it encourages teamwork and healthy competition. 

Layoff “Sorry!”:

This one’s just plain funny.  Come on, how appropriate is this?  Whoever loses gets laid off, and you say “Sorry!”  Enough said.

And, when you’re done with layoffs, how to do the reorganization:

I’d like to thank my fiance for this idea. 😉

Rather than having meeting after meeting after meeting to decide the new reporting structure and everybody’s spot on the totem pole, just throw things into a hat.  Get two hats:  one for the slips of paper with job roles written on them, the other for the papers with salaries on them.  It just makes life that much easier, and avoids the stress that is induced from too many hours in meetings and the nausea you can get from looking at too many PowerPoints and hierarchal charts of managers and direct reports.  So you call Ted’s name, and pull a paper out of the Job Role Hat:  He’s going to be the CEO.  You then pull a slip of paper out of the Salary Hat:  He’s going to get the pay of the intern.  Next up is Sally.  She’s going to report to herself as manager, and will get entry-level pay.  See how fun this can make things?

Corporate Word/Phrase of the Week:

“…the most marketing-weary universe on the planet” – I heard this on some marketing webcast this past week.  The person was saying something like, “Older generations are the most-marketing-weary universe on the planet when it comes to social media.”  Looks like someone forgot his basic cosmology.  Universe = larger than a planet, therefore, the universe cannot be contained on a planet.  Nice try at a metaphor, bud.

The Different Types of Work Days: Vol. I

So over the past couple of years, I’ve been taking note of the various types of work days that I encounter.  And, after charting them carefully and making copious mental notes, I’ve developed a way to identify each kind of work day and its defining characteristics.  This is volume I of the Different Types of Work Days Handbook.  Volume I consists of the most annoying types of work days and their frequency in occurring at your workplace.  This section lets you know when you can expect these pain-in-the-butt days so that you can mentally prepare for them.  Or call in sick.

Basically an Average Day (BAD):

BAD’s are pretty standard.  You have a decent amount of work – not too much, not too little.  Maybe you have a conference call or two, but you’re definitely not booked in meetings for the day.  You actually have enough time to eat lunch – and don’t have to work through it.  You can probably even spare 15 minutes to take an afternoon break.  All in all, this makes for a pretty tolerable, uneventful, okay day. 

*Note that BAD’s don’t occur too often – when they do, they are most frequently seen occurring on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Slow, Torturous Day (STD):

STD’s are awful.  You come to the office in the morning, turn on your laptop, and check your e-mail, waiting for a barrage of notes to respond to.  Unfortunately, you have about three e-mails – two that you were cc’ed on but don’t have to respond to, and one telling you how someone wants to be in your professional network on LinkedIn.  10:30 rolls around, and you’ve totally finished all of your work for the day.  You can’t even get a head start on anything because getting a head start requires actually having work to do.  Which you don’t.  You go on non-work-related websites, check some news sites, take your turns on the Facebook Scrabble app, and find yourself wishing that someone would send you an invite to a two-hour meeting.  It’s that bad.  The high point of your day is lunch – when you actually have something to do (i.e., eat).  The rest of the afternoon pretty much consists of you going on Facebook, LinkedIn, and YouTube about 20 times an hour, just to find out that none of your friends has updated at anything, most likely because they actually have work to do at work.

*Note that these days don’t mean you’re lazy, because with STD’s, you legitimately have nothing to do.  STD’s occur once or twice a week, on average.  Tuesday-Thursday are the most likely times for you to have an STD.

Doing A lot of Meaningless Nothing (DAMN):

DAMN’s are the polar opposites of STD’s.  You come into the office expecting to have five e-mails from the night before, and realize that you have 30.  And lucky for you, about 28 of these e-mails have to-do items in them.  Most of your action items outlined in these e-mails are totally pointless and tedious, but still, you have to have all of them done by the end of the day.  You also have four or five meetings that you have to present in.  DAMN’s usually don’t leave you any time for lunch – if you’re lucky, you can eat while you’re sending e-mails, updating spreadsheets, and making slide decks.  The afternoon consists of you frantically trying to finish all of your to-do’s so that you might leave at a reasonable hour.  When you have a DAMN day, you usually don’t leave the office until at least 6:00.

*Note:  You are most likely to find yourself in a DAMN on Monday or Friday.

Conferences:  Obligatory, and Not Fun (CONF):

CONF days are usually hectic, just like a DAMN day.  When you come into work in the morning, you check your calendar, and noticed that you’re booked for the entire day!  Sometimes even double-booked for some slots.  You typically have to present some slides, or at least say something intelligent on every single meeting when a CONF day comes up.  Most likely, these are all calls pertaining to your job role and the teams and projects you work on, thus preventing you from weaseling out of at least one meeting just so you can run to the bathroom, or maybe even *gasp* have lunch.  If you’re really lucky, you have calls with people from different time zones, so your onslaught of conferences starts at 7 a.m. and goes until 6 p.m.

*CONF days usually occur in the Monday-Thursday range.

Stay tuned for Volume 2…

Corporate Word of the Week:

keynoting (v.) – This is actually a word, but it annoys me because you could never use this word outside of a business setting without someone looking at you like you’re a nut.  Why can’t you just say, “giving the keynote speech?”

ex. – The software executive guy is keynoting the Information Initiative Innovations Conference in May.

How to Get Your Boss to Lay off the Layoffs

We’ve got some seriously trying economic times upon us right now, and it seems that all of Corporate America is  atwitter talking about layoffs and reorganizations of management and all of that fun stuff that translates into you not having a job.  Even here at IBM.  Eek.

You think your job is secure – you’re a great contributor, you’re always on time, and you get your work done quickly and efficiently.  However, one day, your boss makes a trip down to your office and gives you the gut-wrenching news that you’ve been laid off.  In the case of such an event occurring, I give you a number of options for what you can do.  Note that I tend to lay on the sarcasm and dry humor quite thickly… 😉

Blame:

Blame your performance on the project leader, or on one of your coworkers.  Mention that the team leader hasn’t been effective enough, or encouraging enough.  Say that if your coworkers were more productive, then you wouldn’t be in this position.  Get your boss to focus on someone else.  Hopefully he or she will be so busy thinking about all these people responsible for your getting fired, that the boss won’t even remember to fire you.

Rat out Others:

Another option is to suggest other people on your team to be fired instead of you.  You know that Joe on the team called in sick last week when he wasn’t really sick.  Cindy always comes in late, and leaves early.  You’re pretty sure that Jack hasn’t done jack to help boost company sales.  So, why should you get fired when there are at least a dozen more worthy candidates than you?  Suggest these other fireable people to the boss.  Maybe supplement your ideas with a PowerPoint presentation (with many fun pictures and clip-art graphics), and perhaps with a handy color-coded spreadsheet.  This should help your boss to see the error in his/her decision to fire you.

Playing the Guilt Card:

Your boss is telling you that you’re about to be fired.  You feel helpless, demeaned, useless, and afraid.  but don’t worry:  you still have the guilt card to play!  Tug on the boss’ heartstrings:  ask him if he remembers the time you covered for him when he wasn’t at that budget meeting because he wanted to spend an extra day on vacation in the Bahamas.  Ask her if she remembers that time you made that amazing slide deck for the Q1 marketing plans when she didn’t feel like doing it.  Mention how the company is your life, and how you’d absolutely die if you couldn’t come to the office every day and contribute to Company X’s year-to-year growth.  By the time you’re done, the boss will probably be teary-eyed, and will offer to be laid off instead of you.  Or, your boss will at least send a severance gift basket of sorts.

Throw in Some Personal Info:

Don’t be afraid to throw in some personal problems to build your case.  Mention that you just found out that your son needs braces.  Express your fears that your house will be a victim of foreclosure.  Show your grief that you don’t know how you’ll take care of your old, ailing mother.  Feel free to stretch the truth a bit.  Embellish by throwing in the fact that a family member might have some disease, and by freaking out at the fact that you could soon be living on the streets.  This will help to cement how truly un-fireable you are.

Threaten to Sue:

This option is truly a classic.  When talking with your boss, throw in some frightening, ominous words and phrases like “discrimination,” “favoritism,” and “unequal pay.”  Say that you’re pretty sure that your coworker of the opposite sex has been approached for more important assignments than you’ve been asked to do.  Mention that you’re pretty sure that Bob on the team gets more pay than you for doing the same work with the same experience.  Again, add in some fluff.  Speculate.  Nothing scares Big Business more than the word “lawsuit.”  After all, let’s not forget that suing is the American Way.

Of course, if none of this works, then your final option is to apply for other jobs, try your best to cut back on personal expenses, and to hope for the best.  Hopefully being laid off is a predicament that both you and I won’t be facing personally.  But, if you find yourself in that situation, remember that you have my “expert” help here in this blog post, as well as your own marketable skills and talent.  Moreso the latter.  😛

Corporate Word of the Week:

performant (adj.) – A business word typically used when one means “high-performance,” or “top-performing.”  Note that this word does not actually exist.

ex. – These software products are the performant technologies for the overarching brand.