My Status on Status Reporting

So amidst all of the tasks that I complete over the course of a workweek in Corporate America, I have to say that there is one thing that can at times be the bane of my existence:  status reporting.  Status reports can come in a variety of forms, and can sometimes be so well-disguised, that you aren’t even conscious of the fact that you’re reporting the status of anything.  They are often next to pointless, and are only thrust upon you so that you can report numbers to your boss who will then, in turn, show them to her boss, and so on and so forth.  Corporate researchers are still unable to find an actual purpose to this baffling practice.

Some types of status reports I’ve encountered in my work experience:

The Status Report Spreadsheet (SRS):

This is one of the more traditional forms of status reporting.  Mr. Bossguy tells you that he wants to see some numbers, letting him know how many new clients your team secured over the past month, versus last month, measured up to the yearly targets set by corporate.  Okay, so it makes sense that this info is good to know.  But the thing is, what should be a matter of plugging in some basic numbers turns into having the absolute exact number with no margin of error, put into this official impractical template designed by some dude in corporate who has never actually used the spreadsheet.  Typically, when you fill out this spreadsheet with your status numbers and send to the boss, he will not even focus on the numbers, but will complain that you used the wrong font size and color.  This, in essence, wastes the time that you could be using to actually do the thing that your boss wants you to report that status of.  This is, universally, regarded as one of the big OMG’s – Office Mysteries that are Great.

The Status Report Conference Call (SRCC):

After you fill out the SRS, you will likely be asked to present these numbers on a Status Report Conference Call (SRCC).  This call will likely last 1-2 hours, and will typically end with a bunch of angry executives complaining about how the yearly targets won’t be met, or how they aren’t “aggressive enough.”  Also, there will be that one nitpicker who complains that your template doesn’t exactly match the almighty corporate reporting guidelines.  After the SRCC, you will be left with more work to do on the status report, which will most likely keep you busy up until the interval when the next status report is due.  At that time, you will have nothing to report since you just spent all of your time reporting the status, rather than having an actual status to report.  Quite the paradox.

The Status of Status (SOS):

This is, perhaps, the most annoying type of status:  the infamous Status of Status, aptly known as the SOS.  Before you submit the status spreadsheet to the boss – the status spreadsheet that you’ve been tweaking and retweaking for about the past 2 weeks – your colleague decides that it would be a good idea to hold a call about the spreadsheet to discuss the numbers that you’re planning to plug in.  This is the dreaded SOS.  Just a thought – if status reporting is so complicated that you need another call to discuss the status of your status reporting, then this just might be a bit counterproductive.  The best is when another colleague wants to talk to you in advance of your call with the other colleague to discuss the report for the boss – this is the status of the status of the status, which is simply known as “stupidity.”

Corporate Word of the Week:

“Hold their feet to the fire” – I think I threw up a little when I heard this phrase uttered by Ms. Loudwoman across the hall.  She was talking to her boss about her colleagues who still needed to submit their work on a project, and said that, “I really need to hold their feet to the fire on this, and get those product launch slides from them.”  Ummm what?  What’s wrong with just saying some other less annoying cliche, like “they need to own up?”  Also, this sounds a bit twisted – like an ancient pagan ritual or something.  Corporations today – where do they get this stuff?

The Layoff Guide: Boss’ Edition

The economy is going all sorts of crazy, which means that more and more businesses are being forced to cut back on costs.  Unfortunately, sometimes “cutting costs” translates to laying off employees.  No one wants to deal with this ghastly business, but hey, it happens. 

So you’re a manager at Big Company X, and you have to lay off one person on the team you manage.  But everyone is good at what they do!  They all do a good job, they all show up on time, and no one really deserves to get the boot more than anyone else.  Whatever do you do?  Here’s what I propose:  make the layoffs fun, and turn it into a game!

Layoff “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”:

This method of laying off employees can also be used to determine how much $ you get for a raise.  So you hold a conference call, or call everyone into the meeting room, letting them know that you’re going to discuss something serious.  But then, you put each of your employees in the “hot seat,” and ask them a series of questions in ascending difficulty, as per the game show, “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”.  You can change the title to “Who Doesn’t Want to Get Laid off?,” though.  You should definitely make the questions all relate to the company so you can assess who is the most loyal employee, and who has done the most company research.  Obviously, the person who gets the least amount of questions correct gets laid off.

When using this game to determine raises, change the scale.  You know that Big Company X isn’t giving anyone a million dollar raise.  Except for maybe Ms. Senior Vice President.  Make the highest questions worth $10,000, and make the lowest worth $1.  How funny would it be if one of your employees got a dollar raise?! 

Layoff “Jeopardy!”:

Use company-related questions for this, just as in the above-mentioned “Millionaire:  Layoff Edition. ”  Follow the general rules for this game show, using the traditional “you-give-the-answer-as-the-clue,-the-employee-has-to-word-the-response-as-a-question-format.”  Potential “Jeopardy!” categories could include:  “The  Boss’ Favorite Foods,”  “Name That Conference,”  “People Who Come in Late,” and “Whose Conference Call Number Is This?”  You can even add a twist to it:  Anyone who finishes in the negative numbers has to pay the company that much money, and get laid off.  Anyone who finishes in the positive numbers gets that money as a bonus.  Makes it more fun, huh?

Layoff “Monopoly”:

Make one of those personalized Monopoly boards to increase the excitement of this.  For example, I’d have “Monopoly:  IBM Edition.”  All of the properties around the board would be companies IBM has acquired / would like to acquire.  Houses and Hotels would become Labs and Office Buildings.  Board game pieces would include:  Dude in a Suit, Laptop, Briefcase, Data Sheet, and Cup of Coffee.

Follow your typical Monopoly rules for this, giving people “paychecks” whenever they pass Go, and sending them to jail (for some white collar crime).  This is a great game to use to decide layoffs, because it will tell you who the best performers are – who closes the most deals, who can make the company the most money, and who is the most shrewd businessperson.

Layoff “Scrabble”:

So you play a usual game of Scrabble, except there’s a catch:  you can only spell business-related words!  Acceptable words would include:  dynamic, data, info, incent, client, commute, coffee, lunch, meeting, etc.  When an employee doesn’t have a business word to put down, they have to put down something and then attempt to explain its relation to the land of Corporate America.  For instance, if someone spells “bull” – the person could say it refers to a bull market, and the bull people say at meetings.  This would allow them to remain in the game.  If the person spells something unrelated to work and can’t justify any relation, lay ’em off.

Layoff “American Idol:”

Have people “audition” for you, and make up songs about the company.  You, and a panel of other bosses, will then judge the contestants based on originality and creativity.  This method is both entertaining, and effective.  You can even use the company songs that people make up in advertising campaigns!  Sweet deal, huh?

Layoff “Survivor:”

Instead of sending people to a deserted island, you lock them in the conference room with limited coffee and donuts.  As the boss, you periodically go into the room and hold challenges for the employees.  These could include making a communications or marketing plan, or who can write a whitepaper the fastest, for example.  You then see who everybody wants to “vote off.”  This person then gets laid off.  This is a great way to do things because it encourages teamwork and healthy competition. 

Layoff “Sorry!”:

This one’s just plain funny.  Come on, how appropriate is this?  Whoever loses gets laid off, and you say “Sorry!”  Enough said.

And, when you’re done with layoffs, how to do the reorganization:

I’d like to thank my fiance for this idea. 😉

Rather than having meeting after meeting after meeting to decide the new reporting structure and everybody’s spot on the totem pole, just throw things into a hat.  Get two hats:  one for the slips of paper with job roles written on them, the other for the papers with salaries on them.  It just makes life that much easier, and avoids the stress that is induced from too many hours in meetings and the nausea you can get from looking at too many PowerPoints and hierarchal charts of managers and direct reports.  So you call Ted’s name, and pull a paper out of the Job Role Hat:  He’s going to be the CEO.  You then pull a slip of paper out of the Salary Hat:  He’s going to get the pay of the intern.  Next up is Sally.  She’s going to report to herself as manager, and will get entry-level pay.  See how fun this can make things?

Corporate Word/Phrase of the Week:

“…the most marketing-weary universe on the planet” – I heard this on some marketing webcast this past week.  The person was saying something like, “Older generations are the most-marketing-weary universe on the planet when it comes to social media.”  Looks like someone forgot his basic cosmology.  Universe = larger than a planet, therefore, the universe cannot be contained on a planet.  Nice try at a metaphor, bud.

The Coworker Identification Guide

So in my almost 2 years (has it been that long already?!) with IBM, I’ve met a few, um, characters, shall we say.  And, in speaking with my friends and family regarding their own jobs, it seems as if there are a few kinds of archetypal workfolk who seem to exist at every workplace.

A few varieties of people that I’ve observed in their native work habitats include:

That Loud Person:

There is at least one of these types everywhere.  You know – that guy / woman whose speaking volume is that of your average person with a megaphone cranked up to high.  They’re always on conference calls, always have the door wide open, and always seem oblivious to the fact that there are other people who can hear every word of their conersations.  Note that these people typically do not shut the door, lower their voices, or take their phones off speaker, even while talking about sensitive subjects such as personal relationships, layoffs, stock prices, and their children. 

If you find yourself on a conference call with these types of office dwellers, you typically have to hit the volume-lowering button on your phone approximately ten times in order to prevent severe and permanent damage to the eardrum.  In some cases, That Loud Person is also known to emit an unnatural-sounding, annoying laugh that sounds hyena-esque.

That Middle-Aged Person Who Refuses to Embrace New Ideas:

That Middle-Aged Person refuses to see why social networking is relevant to the corporate setting, despite your attempts to show them that businesses are increasingly utilizing social media.  For some strange reason, this person doesn’t seem to compute that social marketing follows the exact same principles as traditional marketing.  It’s just the whole newfangled “online” aspect of everything that seems to throw them off.  They also tend to assume that simple software, such as PowerPoint and Excel, is too difficult to use, and quickly dismiss these tools as useless.  This workperson might also be seen getting upset that younger people are getting promoted ahead of him or her.  Most times, simply learning about Facebook and PowerPoint slides could fix this problem.  Researchers are baffled as to why That Middle-Aged Person doesn’t do just that.

The Credit Stealer:

So someone on your team, maybe even the team leader, tells you that he or she is updating the boss on what the team is working on.  The person then asks you for a list of the things you’ve accomplished.  You jump at this opportunity to make yourself look good, and send the person all the important things you’ve done, all of the ideas you’ve had, and all of the projects you’ve headed, knowing that the boss, or maybe even the boss’ boss, is going to be looking at this report. 

Then, The Credit Stealer takes this information, as well as everyone else’s on the team, and sends it to management…and presents everything that the team has accomplished as his or her own work, rather than the team’s work.  The best is when the person doesn’t even bother to change your wording in the report.  Observations show that this person does this because (1) They’ll step on anybody to get to the top (2) They have absolutely no decent work to show for him / herself. 

That Dude Who Never Does Anything:

Even though you’re putting in extra hours, checking your e-mail at 11 p.m., and skipping lunch every other day, there’s always that person who comes in at 10 and leaves at 4:30.  That Dude Who Never Does Anything is typically seen walking from office to office with a cup of coffee in hand and making idle, and non-work-related chit-chat.  He or she also makes sure to take a 2 hour lunch, and always has a reason to leave work early.  This person also takes long vacations, and takes many a sick day without informing the higher-ups.  Experts are baffled as to why and how That Dude Who Never Does Anything doesn’t get fired.

The Continuous Conference Call Person:

It seems like there are those people who are always on the phone.  They have meeting after meeting, every day, without fail. You might ask The Continuous Conference Call Person to go get lunch in the cafeteria, but he or she will always answer, “Can’t today, I’m booked with conference calls straight through ’til 5.”  When walking by this person’s office, he or she can be spotted with feet on the desk, twiddling a pencil, phone on speaker, using big business-type words.  One thing that is very puzzling about these people:  when do they find time to do all of the work that they discuss on these conference calls?

The Gloater:

 The Gloater is also known as “The I’m-Better-Than-You Person.”  This is the guy who always makes sure to respond to your e-mails with some sort of pompous, and usually irrelevant, comment.  This annoyingness might also take place on conference calls.  This person doesn’t cite any sources for the nitpicking, other than his or her own hot air.  The Gloater always makes sure to carbon copy the boss on these sorts of e-mails, or ensures that someone from management is on the conference call, as to make you look stupider.  The Gloater usually just wastes time, and never has an actual point to make.  Outside of work, this type of person is typically referred to as, “The Know-It-All.”

The Power-Hungry Annoying Person:

A staple in every office setting.  So long as work has existed, there has always been a person in every workplace who got a taste of power, wants more, and will do anything to get more.  This person steps on others, doesn’t care whom they hurt, and yet still gets promoted for some reason.  The hunger for power is likely the only reason why this person is usually seen in a management position of some sort.  It is still being researched as to whether or not this person is actually competent in what he or she does. 

The Butt Kisser:

So long as there’s a Power-Hungry Annoying Person, there’s always someone to kiss his or her rear-end.  This common office-type is also known as “The Brown Noser,” or, “The Yes Man.”  These invertebrates will go out of their way to compliment the boss, and will take on any project the boss hands them.  They always have a smile on their face, and never protest that they have too much work.  Because they never put up a fight, these people-pleasers usually find themselves getting stepped on, and are rarely promoted, despite the fact that they willingly do large amounts of work.

Hopefully this guide will help you to identify the many species of workers who dwell in your office building.  Note that there are still some unidentified types out there, and hybrids who possess characteristics of more than one species.  Also, be sure to keep a watchful eye out for the ever-so-rare “Normal Coworker.”  Count yourself lucky if you spot one of these breeds.

The politics of politics

So I assume that many a blog post is covering yesterday’s election, thus, I’m doing my civic duty and adding another one to the mix, haha. 

Yesterday was the first time that I exercised my right to vote – and honestly, being neither a die-hard Republican nor a die-hard Democrat, I found it to be a difficult decision, given the gravity of the issues at hand (you know the ones – the economy, the war, abortion, etc.).  However, I knew history would be made either way, which was somewhat comforting to me in my decision.  Which just makes me think about the politics of politics…

It really bothers me when people rigidly align themselves with a particular party and then refuse to budge…no matter what.  I’m talking about when people vote Democrat just to vote Democrat, and don’t even consider that a Republican could possibly be a better candidate, and have a better stance on the issues.  And vice versa.  I’m also talking about when the hardcore Republicans who are crazy about their party dislike the Democrats for being hardcore and crazy about their party.  And vice versa.  Are the parties even intended to stand for opposite ideals?  I should think not.  And newsflash:  we’ve had good presidents and bad presidents from either side.  And, it is truly both parties that have made America what it is.  I should remind a few hardcore Democrats I’m friends with that a Republican, Abraham Lincoln, ended slavery.  And I should remind a few hardcore Republicans that a Democrat, John F. Kennedy, helped put a man on the moon.  You get the point.

And what the heck is with the stereotyping?  I’ve had a number of people assume that, because I have a religion, I must be a conservative Republican.  Others think that because I’m a young north-easterner, that I must be a liberal Democrat.

Ummm why?

Honestly, I’m neither party.  I’m usually indifferent to both sides until a candidate convinces me – through their dedication to the issues that matter in America, and through their morals, hard work, and values – that I should consider voting for them.  That being said, it would be nice if people didn’t put me into a box…

We should theoretically just do a blind election – no parties, just people.  Maybe then there wouldn’t be so much separation, and so much assumption.  Maybe then, we could focus on issues, and not red or blue.

But, at any rate…congrats to Obama!  I’m glad we’ve made history.

Corporate Political Word of the Week:

Democratical (adj.) – A non-existent word uttered by some guy on NBC.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think he meant “Democratic?”

ex. – New England often votes Democratical.

Publications: Which Is Better – Online or Print?

Today, it seems as if publications are split between appearing online, and in print.  But which is better?  Should a company embrace both of these options?

Online-only publications seems to work best when there is a short amount of information to read and digest – only a few paragraphs and some links, at most.  Computers are breeding grounds for distractions and almost seem to encourage all of us to develop ADD-like behavior, so less is certainly more in this case.

However, If your company publishes a full-length magazine complete with ads and photos, as a consumer of information, I’d caution against having an online-only version of your publication.  It’s hard to digest text-heavy pieces when reading them on a computer – it strains your eyes, and I often find myself visiting about five other websites while I’m reading.  If it’s feasible and affordable for your company to have an online publication in addition to a print version, then that’s awesome – this will maximize the number of places where readers can access information.  Having the publication both online and in print also works out well when you want to access past issues of a magazine – going through online archives is much easier than sifting through hard copies.

I personally find that full-length magazines with longer articles and a good number of pages are much more enjoyable in print version.  I like flipping through a magazine while sitting on the couch, at work, or on a trip.  One thing I especially like is when companies offer an online supplement to their print publications.  For example, my Martha Stewart Weddings magazine (don’t laugh at me) directs readers to go online for more pictures and ideas for flowers, cakes, favors, etc.  This doesn’t take the place of the print version, but rather, enhances it, and offers readers more info should they want it.  This actually makes me want to go online and see what they’re talking about (and, I actually do just that).

Corporate Word of the Week:

Siloed (adj.) – A fake word that people use to refer to data that isn’t stored in one place, but rather, in many locations.  Note that the word “silo” really can’t be used as anything other than a noun.

ex. – The company’s information was siloed, making it difficult to access.

I work for Corporate America?!

I just graduated from college in May 2007, with a degree in Journalism.  That was but a year ago.  Now, I find myself saddled with this thing called a “career,” at this incomprehensibly huge IT company.  Uh, wow.

I’ll be honest when I say that I never quite saw myself as a Marketing Communications Specialist for IBM.  When thinking of my future job, I always had visions of newspapers, magazines and publishing.  But IBM?  Nah.  I had always thought of it as a place for tech people – you know the type – that guy in the shirt and tie with the thick glasses (the kind with the tape in the middle), the overgrown hair and pens in his shirt pocket.  It also struck me as a place for business-suit-wearing guys who speak in all acronyms and perpetually have their Bluetooth headsets on and constantly check their Blackberries.  But, being neither a techie nor a staid businessy person nor a man, alas, here I am, complete with a fancy e-mail signature and my own conference call line and a vague knowledge of databases. 

And, I’ve come to find out, it ain’t half bad.  I’m getting into my own groove here, realizing that, “hey, maybe I can actually contribute something.”  I have a lot to learn about this whole corporate thing, but I also have a fresh perspective to give IBM.  And thus, a blog is born.

I’ll leave you with this, a little segment I like to call “Corporate Word of the Week.”  In case you were wondering, a ‘corporate word’ is something that particularly strikes me as being, well, fluff.  Fodder for this segment is pulled from meetings, e-mails and the conversations I overhear while sitting in my office.

Corporate Word of the Week:

Organizationable (adj.) – An adjective meaning, ‘like an organization.’  Perhaps people who use this word actually mean, ‘organizational?’  Or ‘organized?’  Or something that’s actually a word?

ex. – The tiers of management within the company are very organizationable.